Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[HalfTangible]

Empire game:

P1: "...you vassalized to the Sycorax because you're terrified of being wedding planners."
P2: "What an absurd accusation! How dare you, but also, more specifically matchmakers, and, yes, essentially, yes."

[DigoDragon]

Viridia: “Why would River want to start a business here if it sucks and has thieves?”
Doc: “Because NPCs are good at making bad decisions?”
GM: “They're surprisingly also bad at making good decisions.”

Andante: “Otherwise, act like you are back in Manehattan and do not view this as civilized territory.”
Doc: “So assume I’m in the Bronx. Can do.”

GM: “Also, stuff like Abbas summoning a council of the heads of continent-spanning criminal enterprises at the local nightclub is fine, too.”

Moonshadow: “Can I be in a quantum state of story telling so that I’ll just show up in whatever interesting scene arises?”

Viridia: “How long would it take? 'Cause I learned how to do lightnig ninjutsu in, like, one afternoon, and that's been really helpful so far.”

GM: “Crunchmunch happened so the party could get a cute morally ambiguous sparkplug.”

[NRSASD]

A character accidentally contracted lycanthropy after seducing her wereraven boyfriend in a fade-to-black scene.
"Is that how these things are passed on? I thought it was bites... oh"

[Kardwill]

Filthy Rich Prometheus Scion (player 1) : "So I'll assemble a mercenary renegade wizard, some old bookworm occultists, the 3 local magic students that botched a ritual last year, and a punkrocker werecoyote playing the role of Anubis, and pay them to bind the soul of a 3000 years old egyptian mummy in kitchen fridge to turn it into a copy of the necromantic artefact we destroyed last week. And then I'll give it back to the mad scientist we stole the artefact from, so that he can experiment again on the patients of his hospital. What could possibly go wrong?"
Wizard (player 2) : "... Why?"
Player 1 : "Hey, I'm the great, great, great, etc grandson of old Prometheus. Taking fire back from mortals because it's dangerous is not my thing. They're so cute when they burn themselves."

[NRSASD]

"Man, I regret pooping in my own coffin"

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Gerdek: I'll have you know, I'm the height of subtlety.
Bhintar: What, because you're a midget?
Gerdek: ... **** off.

DM: Gerdek Grimforge has gained the "Bloody Mess" perk.

[Guizonde]

Gerdek: I'll have you know, I'm the height of subtlety.
Bhintar: What, because you're a midget?
Gerdek: ... **** off.

anybody have any marshmallows? hell called and wants its burning flames back.

DM: Gerdek Grimforge has gained the "Bloody Mess" perk.

oh, how i wish that my dm's would allow that...

[DigoDragon]

Viridia: “So, uh, how are we securing our sky carriage? I hear people like to steal these things.”
Doc: “Put a sign over the door that says ‘Amway distributor’?

Viridia: “Who's Madeline?”
Moonshadow: “A likely unstable AI in a cyberpony who wants to bang Viridia.”
Viridia: “Oh, her.”

Doc: “Oh, so that's her enjoying the job face? Well... um, okay then.”

[braveheart]

Lizard folk are Nazis

Treents are panzers


Me: I casually toss my dagger at the last nazi as I start analyzing the controls for the cannon. 24 damage...
Cleric: the fish dagger?
Me:no the dragon dagger


Everyone make a con sa e against tinitus

[Rater202]

"How are we supposed to find out where the bombs are? He's resisting normal interrogation methods and we all know that torture doesn't work."
"And the chief's on our ass about breaking the rules."
"That too."
"Don't worry, I got this." *sits down in front of the suspect.* "Hey there. Would you like to talk about Homestuck?"

[OmSwaOperations]

[Party spots their ex-employer wizard, who they're not actually enemies with. He's severely injured]

The Bard: "I say we kill him whilst he's weakened!"

Me, The GM: *gulp*

[Guizonde]

during dying light, but so stupid i had to post it here.

me: dude! don't drop kick my corpse! find your own!

me: ok, lockpicking. cover me.
VB: don't take too long, i gotta go pee.
me: hold on, this one's givin' me trouble.
VB: ok, i'll just go to the ba-
me: done.
VB: 7 seconds, and you struggled?!

several lockpick speed-openings later, with VB getting more and more stunned by the speed of the skill.

*lockpick click*
VB: *laughs*
dahrzull: what's so funny?

dahrzull: found some chests here!
me: *click* *click* ok, 2 down! how ya doin' dahrzull?
dahrzull: *chuckles* i get it now.

dahrzull: ok, let's go in stealthily. camouflage up, here's some nightvision potions. remember, bows and stealth. this is a volatile hive!
*...* *first encounter with a volatile
me and VB: BWAAAAAAH!! *grenades and shotgun blasts*
dahrzull: that works too! BWAAAAAH!!

me: cool! found a chest!
*click*
dahrzull: beat you to it.

me: cover me, i'm going in!
*huge explosions, my team icon goes dead*
VB: he did say cover him, right?
dahrzull: yeah, you probably shouldn't have thrown bombs on top of him.
VB: hey, there's no zombies near his corpse!

dahrzull: dude, we can't loot children in this game?!
me: nah, we can only dismember them. guess too much is too much, you know?

VB: i should be shocked this is the godfather of my soon-to-be-born daughter talking about dismembering toddlers, but i know him too well.

dahrzull: i wouldn't mind some assistance, the hulk is playing pinball with my gonads over here.

VB: gui! i was breaking his neck and you cut off his head at the same time!
gui: just making sure he was very deceased.

me: *drop kicks zombie*
VB: *drop kicks same zombie in flight in another direction*
dahrzull: *shoots zombie in midair* i don't do sports. i waste ammo.

me: i drive better when i'm drunk!
VB: he really does, dahrzull.
dahrzull: does he have a bottle of hooch laying around, then? because this is pathetic.

dahrzull: is friendly fire activated? *shoots a barrel of explosives through VB*
VB, obviously dead: i think so, yeah.

*click*
me: VB?!
VB: FINALLY!

[Reltzik]

Great Wyrm Red Dragon NPC: "A moment, then. You were in the halls of an ancient manor of an incredibly potent archmage. One left as a neutral meeting ground, in addition to a site of learning and housing multiple magic items and some lesser artifacts.... And you, whose formal education on magicks and spellwork amounts, I assume, to "saw it in a book your master read once".... Decided to meddle with a focusing device for the enchantments of the entire gods-forsaken place.... During a pitched battle that had, as I understood it, involved the Queen of Cheliax, her Pit Fiend Advisor, and another artifact's recent destruction through a Disjunction spell."

Wizard's Cohort: "Oh, no. She read it three times at least."


(Edited for less context)

[Cheesegear]

"Can I search his orifice?"

"I call it...'Shar's Secret Sausage'. Dig in."

[Personification]

(Edited for less context)

I know it's early, but I propose this for the next thread title.

[Rater202]

"...Is anyone else hungry now?"

Spoiler: Heresy

Show

Said by a fourteen-year-old girl who just watched her surrogate mother eat her own severed arm raw, bones and all.

[LastCenturion]

Spoiler: Heresy

Show

[REDACTED]

My my, is this context? How scandalous.

[Rater202]

It labled Heresy for a reason.

[DigoDragon]

Viridia: “Anyone know where I can get some cheap and dirty lightning?”

[CrazyPenguin]

DM: "The town of Tumbleweed is basically your stereotypical one-street Western town."
Cujo: "I try to turn my cloak into a poncho."

Anwar: "Why is y'all's reaction to a ghost town always 'loot it!' and not 'I wonder what happened here?'"
Cujo: "Free stuff."
O'Reilly: "Free booze."
Anwar: "And absolutely no concern for human life or your own safety."

DM: "O'Reilly, you feel the cold of metal touch the side of your head."
O'Reilly: "Meh."
Anwar: "[Stan]'s a bit short for that, isn't he?"
DM: "True. You feel the cold of metal touch your crotch."
O'Reilly: "I look down! I look down!"

DM: "The general store explodes in a shower of timbers. For a moment, you catch a flash of purple before the creature sinks back below the earth."
Anwar: "Bet y'all wish you'd focused on the main quest now, huh? You'd have pass without trace active and not be with Karak!"

Stan: "They call me 'Big Man' Stan."
DM: "How tall are you, again?"
Stan: "Like 3'6"."
Anwar: "So it's ironic?"
Stan: "Nah, that's f***ing gigantic for a halfling."

Karak: "I'd like to stop running and just stand there. The worm won't sense me if I don't move."
DM: "Roll Stealth?"
Karak: "Just take your attack. No need to bother."

DM: "Those of you already inside the M.A.K. watch in horror as the worm bursts from beneath Karak, swallowing him whol- Why is he smiling?"
Karak: "You hit me! You finally managed to hit me! I F***ING EXPLODE!"

Anwar: "Let's get this crab mech in motion, people!"
DM: "You can't. Your pilot just jumped into the mouth of a purple worm."

Karak: "We're already in melee. There's not much more I can do."
Cronnwier: "You could heal or buff?"
Karak: "Oh, I know! I cast spiritual weapon and send it down the elevator to fight the worm!"
Cronnwier: "Can we get a new Cleric? I think this one is broken."

DM: "Anwar, as a monstrosity specialist, you know it's not uncommon for purple worms to eat entire adventuring parties whole. It's possible that their magic items could survive the acid in its stomach, for a while."
O'Reilly: "I'll cut it open after I harvest the hide."
Karak: "That'll take too long. I climb into it's mouth! I know my way around the inside of a purple worm, I'll be fine."

Anwar: "Why did y'all let the two 7 Charisma characters compose our letter to an interdimensional empire?"

[Guizonde]

DM: "The town of Tumbleweed is basically your stereotypical one-street Western town."
Cujo: "I try to turn my cloak into a poncho."

Anwar: "Why is y'all's reaction to a ghost town always 'loot it!' and not 'I wonder what happened here?'"
Cujo: "Free stuff."
O'Reilly: "Free booze."
Anwar: "And absolutely no concern for human life or your own safety."

Karak: "I'd like to stop running and just stand there. The worm won't sense me if I don't move."
DM: "Roll Stealth?"
Karak: "Just take your attack. No need to bother."

your party basically amounts to what my universe calls the "scavengers' guild". to wit: single-mindedly pursuing riches, shenanigans, and violence (in that order) with no sense of fashion or self-preservation. reckless enthusiasm keeps them from considering the routine tpk's that happen to about 70% of the scavenger teams. think 40k space orks, but doing it for the lulz. so think freebootaz instead. i love your party.

Stan: "They call me 'Big Man' Stan."
DM: "How tall are you, again?"
Stan: "Like 3'6"."
Anwar: "So it's ironic?"
Stan: "Nah, that's f***ing gigantic for a halfling."

i laughed, i like my halflings gigantic as well, although mine rarely top 3'2".

[LordCdrMilitant]

Spezzal-Furs Privat: You almost got technique. Trick to climbing is complete trust in partner, and strong armor.


Mull-9673: Take one of my hand cannons and shoot him!
Fattus: I refuse to use things that don't explode. I'll throw it at him!


Mull: We should spend a day on the ship and make some medicae tests. I've got medicae 80, can somebody operate on me?
Ra's Arwendul: I can heal you [with psychic powers]!
Mull: I'll just operate on myself.


Spezzal-Furs: I know. We take moon, and crash into planet. No moon, no chaos on planet. Good plan?
Inquisitor Volkasta: This planet is a strategically vital position. Neutralization of the daemon moon is a operational objective to facilitate the greater strategic objective of maintaining this world as part of the Sentinel World network.
Spezzal-Furs: What about if we take other moon, and crash moons together, like billiard balls?


Spezzal-Furs: We are Ordo Malleus. We go to Forge World, wave badge, they build us Moon Engines.

[The Kool]

"Man, I never thought I'd feel bad for a mimic."

[Recherché]

"I am not eating undead goblin!"
"Who knows maybe they taste good"
"I'm sure we can cook the bad out."

[CrazyPenguin]

Spoiler: Responses

Show

your party basically amounts to what my universe calls the "scavengers' guild". to wit: single-mindedly pursuing riches, shenanigans, and violence (in that order) with no sense of fashion or self-preservation. reckless enthusiasm keeps them from considering the routine tpk's that happen to about 70% of the scavenger teams. think 40k space orks, but doing it for the lulz. so think freebootaz instead. i love your party.

The truly hilarious moments come when half the party wants to do this, and the other half wants to be good, upstanding citizens on a noble quest.
The noble moments are less funny, though

Spezzal-Furs Privat

Felinid?

Bugbear: "I will make a throne out of your bones!"
Fishnet: "He seems like husband material."

DM: "Be aware that if [NPC] ever dies, it's because I got sick of doing his accent.

Fishnet: "Hey there, handsome. You staying in this inn tonight?"
NPC: "Nope. Stayin' down at th' boarding house, 's cheaper."
Fishnet: "Alright then. Have a nice day!"
DM: "You are the worst. Bard. Ever."
Fishnet: "Well I don't want to go somewhere else, and Goochie is sharing my room!"
DM: "I know. I was really looking forward to asking him to make that Stealth check."

Fishnet: "Just gonna do a little midnight flute playing, y'know?" *nat one*
DM: "There's a horrible shrieking noise. Lights go on all around the town square."
Limerick: "I disappear into the darkness."
Fishnet: "Thanks for the support, man."

Goochie: "Why are all the NPCs so much cooler than us?"
Limerick: "Because we're all dumbasses."

DM: "Stop making DC 15 climb checks with Strength 6, you reptilian menace."

Fishnet: "I can't believe you defiled the altar!"
Goochie: "I improved it by rededicating it to a superior god! My god!"
Fishnet: "IT WAS ALREADY DEDICATED TO MY GOD!"

Ella: "We're doing too much talking, let's go kill some people."
Limerick: *takes Ella's sheet and writes "I like to kill" in both the Personality Traits and Flaws boxes*

Goochie: "I'm interested in doing the right thing!"
DM: "If that were true it'd be harder to provoke you into indiscriminate murder."

Goochie: "I'm down! Heal me!"
Fishnet: "I cast cure wounds on Goochie."
DM: "Oh, my turn! One of the ruffians stabs Goochie again."
Goochie: "I go down. Heal me!"
Fishnet: "Y'know what? No."

Goochie: "This sucks. Somebody heal meeee."
DM: "If you don't want to be unconscious, get your wizardly ass off the frontline."

Goochie: "I cast create bonfire in the doorway and walk away."
DM: "It's an old wooden bar. It practically explodes.
Goochie: "Remember not to look at the explosion, everyone."

Fishnet: "Hey, uh, you guys think the priestess is trustworthy?"
DM: "That probably would've been a good question to ask before you killed four people and burned down a bar on her advice."

Goochie: "I'm a good person! I do good deeds!"
DM: "If 'good deeds' means 'war crimes and defiling sacred sites,' then yes."

Goochie: "Guys, I have an idea. We need to start a militia."

Fishnet: "Comrades! It is time for REVOLUTION!"

DM: "So a drum-playing kobold, a half-naked tiefling, and dancing elf prance through town, calling for armed revolution."

Halia (NPC): "Last time one of them got rowdy in my shop, I cut off his hand."
Limerick: "That's hot."
Goochie: "Stop making all the NPCS cooler than us!"

DM: "Ah, yes, the classic D&D solution to problems: community organizing."

Goochie: "All phones are just a Pokédex for memes.

Goochie: "I'm gonna go ask homeless people for quests."

[LordCdrMilitant]

Spoiler: Responses

Show

The truly hilarious moments come when half the party wants to do this, and the other half wants to be good, upstanding citizens on a noble quest.
The noble moments are less funny, though

Felinid?

Spezzal-Furs Privat is not a Felinid. He is a guardsman from a feral world, though. He has a bow and arrow, and has the highest fellowship in the party despite being a caveman guardsman.

The rest of my party are:
Tua Morte: Guardsman [warrior, death world, guard], with Power Armor, a long las, and still a stealth over 100. Also the highest INT in the party.
Fattus Mannus: Guardsman [warrior, prison world, guard] with a missile launcher and 2x grenade launchers.
Mishka Heevee: Guardsman [warrior, frontier world, guard] with a heavy bolter.
Mull-9673: Skitarii [ace, forgeworld, admech], with 11 hand cannons and a Ironstrider Ballistarius. He and Morte both have over 80 medicae.
Ra's Arwendul: Psyker [warrior, knight world, telepathica], with plate armor, a force sword, Biomancy, and a habit of getting possessed and/or causing more harm to the party than the enemy with Perils. Also, almost always casts psychic powers on full overchannel, in stark contrast to my Black Crusade party's psyker, who always casts on minimum power. We joke that they're on the wrong teams.

They are very good at blowing things up and administering medicae to themselves afterwords. They collectively have 0 ranks in charm or deceive.

[DigoDragon]

Darwin: "We're going to rainbow hell."

Samuel: "Do you believe in the UFOs, astral-space projections, free jump gate market, salvage rights, legalized privateering, honor among thieves, private exploration venture, the moon landing, and the theory of Atlantis?"
Doc: "Ah, if there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say."

GM: "The stats are your classic D&D staples."
Doc: "Okay, so my array is 18, 15, 15, 14, 13, 13."
GM: "You can probably imagine what they're good for."
Doc: ...*puts the 18 in swag*

[Guizonde]

Spezzal-Furs Privat is not a Felinid. He is a guardsman from a feral world, though. He has a bow and arrow, and has the highest fellowship in the party despite being a caveman guardsman.

The rest of my party are:
Tua Morte: Guardsman [warrior, death world, guard], with Power Armor, a long las, and still a stealth over 100. Also the highest INT in the party.
Fattus Mannus: Guardsman [warrior, prison world, guard] with a missile launcher and 2x grenade launchers.
Mishka Heevee: Guardsman [warrior, frontier world, guard] with a heavy bolter.
Mull-9673: Skitarii [ace, forgeworld, admech], with 11 hand cannons and a Ironstrider Ballistarius. He and Morte both have over 80 medicae.
Ra's Arwendul: Psyker [warrior, knight world, telepathica], with plate armor, a force sword, Biomancy, and a habit of getting possessed and/or causing more harm to the party than the enemy with Perils. Also, almost always casts psychic powers on full overchannel, in stark contrast to my Black Crusade party's psyker, who always casts on minimum power. We joke that they're on the wrong teams.

They are very good at blowing things up and administering medicae to themselves afterwords. They collectively have 0 ranks in charm or deceive.

i love your team. just the right balance between subtlety and critical thinking.

[Guizonde]

alright! new campaign, new people, same old lunacy! here we go:

Spoiler: the crew

Show

zbeb uchischwartz: take a mall ninja and give him actual knives and an in-character voiceover monologue.
belsunce gonzalez: 6 feet tall, 200 lbs of muscle, wearing a bowl haircut. the kind of lady you call "sir". the tank of the band.
louka bornunderex: a techie, yes, but a cowboy techie with a bloody jetpack (blood may or may not be his).
darole van nuked. VN's older cousin. think darryl from the walking dead, but with explosive arrows, because why not be a badass girl and related to the hitler of the universe?
lucii lichtmann: your merchant yes, but wearing more money than most honest commerces could ever spend.

dm: you get all your vertebrae rearranged and get sent flying through the room.
zbeb: it was at this moment that this ninja knew the meaning of f***ing up.

louka: oh, finally! a problem i don't have to solve with violence! *shoots the problem with a large pistol*

lucii: look, i get it. we'll just sell the corpses to the butchers', and we'll never have to pay to eat ever again. it's not immoral, it's just mercantilism.
darole: do i have to remind you that you ain't doin' none of tha killin'?

belsunce: this problem requires fine motor skills, a cool head, and a careful hand. too bad for it, all i got is a crowbar.

lucii: ok, here goes! *flamethrower fires in approximately the right direction*
darole: not on me, numbnuts!!
zbeb: zbeb tried not to judge his compagnons on their martial art forms to hastily, but judge them he did.

[Scrollreader]

"So then we'll get together, and work with [Villain]. We'll be seen at his soiree, and I'll see if I can find an eligible bachelor."

OOC: Please stop listening to me! This Is A Terrible Plan.