Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vice versa.

[Castaras]

My second boyfriend was 11 years older than me. It didn't work due to other reasons. The age difference may be an issue, if both or one of you think its an issue. Otherwise, you'll have to weather other people being suspicious of it.

Can be done. Your issue is you're 17. 18 it'll become a lot easier straight off.

[Dvil]

I done goofed.

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Long story short today is my birthday. "Yay!" I don't particularly like celebrating me, as it makes me feel squirmy. Last weekend girlfriend planned going down from college to our hometown, which is about a two hour drive, and from their to the Renaissance Fair, which is another hour or so. Thursday I realized I was going to have a lot of home work this weekend and I thought we decided to not go to the Fair but instead just hang out and do homework for most of the day then go have a nice dinner followed by hanging out with friends.

Today on the drive down, we realized there had been a miscommunication. I said I didn't want to go to the Fair because I had too much to do while it was going on, which lead into girlfriend crying because "I don't want to be with her." Which I then made clear is not the case--I want to be with her in the evening, when I have the time. She ended up too upset to really want to be around so I'm at my dad's house doing my art history homework and she's down at the Fair with friends.

I asked if she still wanted to get dinner/hang out when she got back, and she said yes, but that's she's going to have to do homework, so she's not sure she can. Which is really annoying because what we seemed to have communicated boiled down to "Work in the afternoon, play in the evening."

I don't even know what I'm feeling. I'm angry and I'm upset and I just want to be with her. It's very annoying.

You probably already know what I'm about to say but goshdarnit, I'll say it anyway. Basically, neither of you did anything wrong here. There was a breakdown of communication, resulting in mismatched ideas of what plans you had. I reckon she (and possibly you as well) probably felt a little stood-up on the day (a perfectly natural reaction) and is now feeling a little foolish for overreacting in such a way. Only thing I can suggest is the next time you both get the opportunity, sit down over a drink of choice (I recommend milkshakes) and talk out what happened. Just make sure everyone's on the same page.

Feel free to take all this with a pinch of salt mind; I'm no expert.

[grimbold]

My second boyfriend was 11 years older than me. It didn't work due to other reasons. The age difference may be an issue, if both or one of you think its an issue. Otherwise, you'll have to weather other people being suspicious of it.

Can be done. Your issue is you're 17. 18 it'll become a lot easier straight off.

thanks for the advice castaras
i should probably note
most people think i'm 22-23
and being 18 in france doesn't change much from being 17... i've been going to bars since i was like 15 its just a cultural thing

[Aedilred]

My sister's first boyfriend was about nine years older than her, when she was 18. My parents weren't impressed, although they didn't raise any formal objection, and they were together for a few years. Eventually she left him for someone nearer her own age. Nobody was really surprised; the only surprise was that it had lasted as long as it did. I don't know what lesson can be learned from that.

Grimbold: To clarify, does she know how old you are?

[grimbold]

Grimbold: To clarify, does she know how old you are?

she does know how old I am
and she still pulled me into a game of footsie the first time we met... (And she knew then too)
so i mean... i think its okay? you guys tend to be wiser than I though

[Serpentine]

It is okay. It will be, for some reason or other, more okay when you're 18.
I would be careful of yourself, make sure you know what you want and remember that you can get out any time you want - and, in turn, remember that she could do the same.
Other than that, do what you like, and the rest comes down to the usual relationship stuff: communicate, compromise, be self-aware and empathetic.

[Iruka]

other than that she was kicked out of her home country because they think she's SATAN (Which i think is kickass)

Wait, what?

For the age difference, yeah, what the others said. Be aware that you will have to weather some criticism and that the different stages of life you are in are an additional possible source for problems. For the rest, the usual stuff for a successful relationship applies. Good luck!

[Serpentine]

Baaaaasically, there are lots of reasons why very large age differences in a relationship are frowned upon or looked askance at, especially when one of the people is a teenager. Some of these are very good reasons, others not so much. It's up to you how much they apply to you.

[grimbold]

Baaaaasically, there are lots of reasons why very large age differences in a relationship are frowned upon or looked askance at, especially when one of the people is a teenager. Some of these are very good reasons, others not so much. It's up to you how much they apply to you.

that sums it up nicely, thank you serps!
you are my true love

[Serpentine]

Any time
:D <3

[Lissou]

Yeah, under 18 isn't illegal in France, you're already several years older than sexual majority, but that doesn't mean nobody will give you (and her) weird looks if they hear your age. There is just something about being both adults that makes it seem more "okay". It might make her less hesitant as well, and every year added to that does help. People care a lot less about 20-30 for instance.

[sktarq]

On the age difference thing.

It can cause issues but it is not a deal breaker. I know when my parents got together my mom was 19 and my dad was 45. They were brilliant together till the day he died three years ago at 78.
I've had relationships with girls 6 (when I was about a year older than you) and 4 years older. One a few months one a bit over a year and they both worked out fine. Only broke up due to one of us moving to other states or continents.
My gf now i about a decade my junior-working fine 2 years on.
It is not that age is just a number - there is a point to the fact that different ages can have more trouble.
But just be aware of those issues.
Similar ages often implies certain similarities-in what people assume about others and the world, what people are looking for in a relationship, etc but that doesn't mean that person X at age a and person Y at a+10 won't work. Take things as they come and realize that she may well not share assumptions that you expect her to.
You hear to listen allot in a relationship. This situation calls for extra of that.
Communication- congrats you pulled double duty. You may well need to lay things out between you more obviously. (Maybe you won't and you just click but the chances of you both making mistakes thinking you are "clicking" when you are not are higher than a same age relationship)
People will give you funny looks. If the relationship is healthy they generally don't last long and every year they grow less.

[Milo v3]

Umm.... Wondering if anyone has any advice on getting over a girl without stopping being her friend or staying away from her and stuff. I've liked her for a few years, asked her out a few months ago and she said no, mainly because of my appearance. So I tried to get over her, and a few weeks later ended up telling her that I couldn't keep being her friend because I needed to get over here. We talked a fair amount and she convinced me to keep being her friend and that I'm allowed to keep liking her.

So months have passed and we're still friends and I sorta love her more now then ever. I buy her stuff, we text each other every night, basically every night I tell her she's beautiful and stuff, she flirts with me alot, and she's shared a lot of personal stuff.

It's always been complicated but recently it's gotten more confusing. Every couple of months I say or do something really romantic which makes her really like me to the extent it hurts her that she can't love me and that I'm being too perfect and amazing. It's confusing when that happens, because I don't really understand but it hasn't been too much of an issue in the long run before.

In recent weeks she's said that I'm perfect and that her not being able to love me hurts a lot more often. Even going to the extent that the day after one of the times she was abit depressed and thinking about the idea of "what are the chances of finding another guy in the modern day who would treat her like I do".

So... umm... yeah... I think really need to get over her, because I don't want her to keep hurting.

[Aedilred]

Ugh. Just get out. I'm not going to pass judgment on her behaviour, but it's not doing you any good at all. So long as you're seeing her, it's going to stop you getting over her. She doesn't get to determine whether you stay friends, so you need to act on what the best thing for you is, rather than what she'd prefer, even if that hurts her. At the very least, take a break from her for a few months until you've got a better hold of yourself and then resume the friendship on a more honest footing. It sounds like at the moment it's just unhealthy.

[Serpentine]

I don't think you necessarily need to "get out" or cut her off or anything - and I don't think she's doing anything wrong either, you people who are about to jump on her - but for your own sake you definitely need to shift the focus of your life away from her. Get other friends, and foster your relationships with the other ones you already have. Let her find connections with other people. Buy things for yourself, not her. Work on making yourself the person you want to be, and stretch your social legs.
Basically, neither of you are getting what you really want from the other, and you both need to stop depending on one another for the things you are getting. You both need your own independence, space, and room to develop. Your relationship will be healthier for it.

So, what's wrong with the way you look, anyway? Is it just a taste thing (personally, I likes 'em pretty, though I may be developing a bit of a thing for beards)? Or is there something you can work on - for your own sake, mind you?

[Milo v3]

Ugh. Just get out. I'm not going to pass judgment on her behaviour, but it's not doing you any good at all. So long as you're seeing her, it's going to stop you getting over her. She doesn't get to determine whether you stay friends, so you need to act on what the best thing for you is, rather than what she'd prefer, even if that hurts her. At the very least, take a break from her for a few months until you've got a better hold of yourself and then resume the friendship on a more honest footing. It sounds like at the moment it's just unhealthy.

I have tried taking a break from her before. A several year gap after we dated a bit several years ago, I got over her during that gap, but after only a few minutes around her I liked her again. Her "convincing me" can basically be summed up as her saying "What if it doesn't work. And you start liking me again once the break is over." Which just reminded me about the previous gap thing, and she didn't even know about that didn't work when she said it.

I don't think you necessarily need to "get out" or cut her off or anything - and I don't think she's doing anything wrong either, you people who are about to jump on her - but for your own sake you definitely need to shift the focus of your life away from her. Get other friends, and foster your relationships with the other ones you already have. Let her find connections with other people. Buy things for yourself, not her. Work on making yourself the person you want to be, and stretch your social legs.
Basically, neither of you are getting what you really want from the other, and you both need to stop depending on one another for the things you are getting. You both need your own independence, space, and room to develop. Your relationship will be healthier for it.

So, what's wrong with the way you look, anyway? Is it just a taste thing (personally, I likes 'em pretty, though I may be developing a bit of a thing for beards)? Or is there something you can work on - for your own sake, mind you?

She doesn't really depend on me... I think. She just texts me when she's bored, let her talk when she's depressed, and I tell her she's not a bitch and stuff. She doesn't rely on me, I'm just a friend.

Though your right... I probably should be abit more social, since aside from her I only have two friends. Don't exactly know what I'd buy for myself, the whole buying stuff for her came from me having money that I never spend on anything.

As for my look... I'm not exactly attractive and my look isn't punky or emo or skater.... The whole made her feel rather guilty, shallow, and bitchy but it's fine to me. Can't fit everyones taste and stuff.

[Dallas-Dakota]

In a completely random note: Pfft, who needs romance when you've got unlimited spareribs for a tenner and good friends.

[Holocron Coder]

So, kinda figuring that the girl from the Con was only interested in hanging out at the Con and is only passingly interested in keeping contact. Barely hear from her at all, etc.

I'm kinda disheartened I've been working hard to improve upon my social skills the last two years and meet new people, but feels like I'm not even getting a flicker of interest from the girls I'm into.

I don't mean to complain overmuch, but, damn, it's depressing some days.

EDIT: Apparently my luck has turned around About 2 hours after that post, a friend's roommate that I met last night accepted my FB friend invite, and just immediately messaged me, saying I was cool and cute, and that we should hang out. So, I have a date Saturday What just happened?

[Nameless Ghost]

I have no idea what's possessing me to do this. Depression manifests itself in crazy ways. I guess I just need to vent somewhere and know somebody will see it. That's what this thread is for right? This is about a relationship of a kind.

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I gave up my entire world to one person. I mean that both metaphorically and literally. I gave to her my heart and soul, everything that makes up me. I would give to her all I own if she had ever needed it, though she'd never ask. All the devotion and focus in my life is about her and while we are good friends, that is all I am to her, perhaps all I will ever be. Well, I'm not sure. I don't know what I am to her.

I'd say I need more from her, but I don't know what that would mean. I'm not in love with her, though I love her; but I am addicted to her. I absolutely need her presence in my life to function.

I'm in such a state tonight, it gradually building over the past few nights, because she's been appearing invisible in the programs we'd usually talk on for about a week now after she just stopped replying to me last week (not that this is anything strange in itself, she frequently goes offline or away without warning mid-conversation).

And while this is unusual - it's very rare she isn't signed in and we tend to talk quite often - and it's not like she has to talk to me if she's busy, talking to or seeing other friends, etc (though she frequently does). She has no real obligation to me above anyone else and it's unreasonable of me to expect such, I tell myself. I don't even know if that's true.

I'm sure this is nothing really, a combination of mundane factors that when explained will make perfect sense. In the meantime paranoia and anxiety will have free reign of my mind to instigate complex and unrealistic scenarios in which I'm unimportant to her or she's befallen some tragedy.

I honestly have no idea where we stand with one another, nor do I know how to ask her about it. I've before emailed such a question, though she never replied. I've asked, but she's been unable to really answer. Ironic that it's times like right now when I'm not feeling entirely sane that I would just blurt out such a thing to her, but I'm only this way because I can't talk to her.

I keep wondering if I was right in giving somebody my devotion in this way, in giving up every other facet of life for this simulacra of overpowering love, for choosing that loving her is more important than wealth or fame or career prospects. If it was right to follow my heart into its turbulent fantasy rather than buying into the perpetually shallow artificial world everyone keeps trying to sell me.

But then I find my thoughts back there and know I could never give up on her.


(I'm so going to regret this post in the morning.)

[Milo v3]

As if to prove what I was saying about her not relying on me... Today she decided that she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore because of confusing circumstances that I don't exactly understand myself...

This whole thing is made even worse by the fact that because of timing, theres likely only one occasion where I'll ever be able to talk to her again....

To make it even worse again, she's spent a fair amount of time today sayings she's a horrible person and that I should hate her and stuff....

EDIT: As for the above person. I don't know what to say. My views would be severally biased by my past circumstances.

[Arcanist]

As if to prove what I was saying about her not relying on me... Today she decided that she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore because of confusing circumstances that I don't exactly understand myself...

This whole thing is made even worse by the fact that because of timing, theres likely only one occasion where I'll ever be able to talk to her again....

To make it even worse again, she's spent a fair amount of time today sayings she's a horrible person and that I should hate her and stuff....

EDIT: As for the above person. I don't know what to say. My views would be severally biased by my past circumstances.

I used to know a girl like this. She was... Complicated. She didn't need me for anything else than to make her feel good. This isn't always bad, but to me? It felt like I was just a convenience in her life. I could be replaced like a broken toy and I was.

You're better off moving on, picking up a hobby, and developing yourself as an individual. Sorry for your pain Milo

[Milo v3]

I used to know a girl like this. She was... Complicated. She didn't need me for anything else than to make her feel good. This isn't always bad, but to me? It felt like I was just a convenience in her life. I could be replaced like a broken toy and I was.

You're better off moving on, picking up a hobby, and developing yourself as an individual. Sorry for your pain Milo

.... Thanks. And complicated would be the right word....
I wasn't even like I could be replaced sort of thing though... Which sorta makes it worse to me... The role I fill isn't even necessary in the first place... Which confuses me soo much....

A week ago she was saying that I was being amazing and perfect and no one had ever dealt with her for as long as I had before and that while she can't love me back that I'm not Nothing to her, that I'm a good friend and she trusts me with a lot of stuff she doesn't tell other people... And today she says that the entire friendship was just the fact that we were both best friends with the same person and that she enjoyed teasing me (friendly flirtly style teasing, nothing cruel or mean or anything. Just thought I should clarify)... Idk, how can it go from one extreme to the other so quickly....

[The Succubus]

Sounds to me like something said in the middle of a depressive episode. My advice would be to say something like you will give her some space for a bit but you will be ready to pick up the phone if she changes her mind. I suspect she probably will. If it's something she struggles with often, try to gently nudge in the direction of a GP or a counselor. It might help. =)

[Milo v3]

Sounds to me like something said in the middle of a depressive episode. My advice would be to say something like you will give her some space for a bit but you will be ready to pick up the phone if she changes her mind. I suspect she probably will. If it's something she struggles with often, try to gently nudge in the direction of a GP or a counselor. It might help. =)

Luckily I made sure she knows that despite her thinking I should hate her and stuff that I don't hate her, I'm not angry, and that I still love her. So... She knows that I'd pick up the phone.

As for counselling, she already sees a psychiatrist so that's already covered.

[Stadge]

Ok guys, a quick Stadge-update,
Sorryit’s been a while, the reason why will become clear shortly.

Anyway, a few weeks back you might recall me saying that I liked J, an ex of one of my best friends, got along very well, and had decided to take a risk and ask her out after they all got back from being away. I’m afraid I didn’t. She was manic with work after they got back, then I became horribly ill (well, not horribly, just very contagious and feeling awful) for about two weeks. We got to see each other once, then she flew to Turkey for a week.

I should have said something then, but I didn’t. Partly out of normal fear of rejection, but also due to the circumstances of that day. I know there’s never going to be a perefect time to do this kind of thing, but a day when I was put in a meloncholy mood for a whole raft of different reasons and when she was being accosted by the friends of another of her exes didn’t seem like the best time.

Whilst we’ve not had the chance to see each other much, we have spoken online an awful lot and for hours at a time, so I wouldn’t normally be too fazed. However, whilst J and the others were away (the first non-Turkey trip) I got a job offer I couldn’t turn down (it’s in the field I’ve been trying to get into since graduating (having spent the last year in various retail roles).
So yes, a few days into J’s Turkey trip, I had to move from the loevly, lovely north, down south to London. She’s back now, and true to form we’ve been chatting a lot (well, as much as my very shaky internet connection allows), but I’m ot sure what to do now.

I’ve been advised by my friends down here, who haven’t met her, to just forget about her, but I really feel like I should say something. But do I wait til the next time I head north to say something, then if things go well, only really be able to follow it up on my next visit, or do I go against my desire to do these things face to face and mention it online, or do some weird comprimise with an audio file.

The idea of the distance itself doesn’t faze me, the last ten months of my last relationship were long-distance, but that was very long-distance, with hideously expensive travel options and a lack of phone and internet signal at her location, but the relationship existed for a few years beforehand. This, if anything acme to it, would on paper be easier, due to much better/quicker travel, no time difference and the ability to use normal lines of communication like phone, internet and skype. But it would be starting it from that position of distance, and I don’t know if that’s possible.

Sorry for not taking a look at the woes of others, like I said, my connection is very poor and I wanted to get this sent. Should be more normal in a few days.

Did any of that make sense?

[Serpentine]

To be clear, you're now living at opposite ends of the UK?* So any relationship would be long distance? You picked up and left quite suddenly from the sound of it, is there any chance she could end up doing the same, and ending up in London too?

Myyyyy suggestion would be... broach the subject at some point, online or over the phone if you're not gonna be able to do it in person anytime soon. It doesn't have to be "wanna be my girlfriend?" or anything like that either, if you're not really sure about it. It could be more like "You know, I was gonna ask you out before we were dragged to opposite ends of the country..." or "We should go on a date when I visit [town]! You up for it?" or something like that, if you know what I mean. If nothing else, it'll give you closure. And you never know, she might be considering a move down south, and that could be the last straw that makes her decision.



*Also: you live in the UK?! a;lkejrakjhdsa;lkfjlk Why didn't you tell me when I was there and we could meet up?! D:

[Stadge]

Pretty much, yes. Though logistically it’s not actually too awkward, probably about 3 hours on the train, tops. Ok, not ideal, but for long distance, not too bad :p

And yeah, it was a pretty quick move. The whole job thing happened quite quickly actually, as I didn’t actively apply for it. There is the chance of that, more in that she knows she doesn’t want to keep doing what she’s doing for the long haul anyway (and her contract ends in January I think, unless it gets extended) so on the she-has-expressed-interest-in-looking-for-a-new/different-job and the London-seems-to-have-the-most-opportunities-at-the-moment front, it’s a possibility. To be honest, she’d probably get along with this place better than I do, she often calls me ‘farm boy’ and true to form, I do find city life a bit odd.

Yeah, hopefully I’ll be back up north soon to get the rest of my stuff when I get a place sorted down here, otherwise I’ve some training coming up that’s about halfway in distance, so I might head in that direction on that weekend. But otherwise, it might have to be phone/online though I’d rather be in person.
But yes, those’d be the kind of ways I was thinking of broaching the subject really. As light as possible whilst not being vague.

Sorry… I’m terrible at informing folk of these kind of things. When we’re you around again though, sorry I can’t remember? Just thinking there’s a good chance I was up to my neck in uni work or in Africa, which could be valid excuses.

Thanks Serps, you’re always good with the advice.

[Serpentine]

Pffft, three hours, weaksauce

Well then. All the more reason to broach the subject with her, so she can make her decisions better informed of her options.

How soon are we talking? I'd say that if it's not within a month, do it another way instead. And if you chicken out/don't get the chance when you're up there, do it the other way - or you're just gonna keep on going "oh dang, well I'll just do it next time..." for months on end.

Last year, January - September. Western Scotland, Yorkshire, Newcastle, and then various places in the south over a few weeks.

Ta ^_^

[rogueboy]

Alright, I need suggestions... and since it's how I do things, prepare for rambling.

Background: I've been talking to someone on OKC for about 10 days now (well, a week, then a few days gap, and then resumed this morning as she had an "insane" week). Typically a message each direction daily, covering the expected range of things. I sort of half-asked her out (well, it could have been read either way, I was a bit vague), but she ignored/misunderstood it.

So now, I'm trying to figure out when/where/how to ask her out. At least in the messages, we get along fine, and have plenty of similar interests; current leading options are asking her out for drinks* or a local concert (she mentioned a few places she likes after I asked her for recommendations). Either way, it will probably have to wait until after this weekend, since she just mentioned that she's probably abandoning all potential plans in favor of sleep (same time she mentioned her crazy week), and weeknights aren't ideal since she teaches middle school (though I suppose dinner-ish timing might be doable).

*I don't drink coffee or anything else you'd get at a coffee shop, so that's less than ideal, but she's mentioned drinking beers, so I'd probably go with a low-key bar of some sort. Then I just need to decide on a good option, without knowing any of the local bars...

[Dr. Bath]

Well you can always go with asking if she would be available sometime in the next week? That's a) pretty obviously asking her out and b) lets her set out a schedule that works for her. HOWEVER if she does make an excuse or push back the meetup again remember this is online dating, there are sketchy types out there that many people are wary of, so if she's still being a bit evasive it might just be natural caution (no slight on you).

In this vein a coffee-style meet up might be a better bet (even if you don't like coffee there must be something you find palatable on the menu? Who hates tea? Crazies that's who) as it is a nice safe busy place in daylight(ish).

If you do want to go down the bar route maybe try one that neither you nor she knows, so if it really does suck you can at least get a laugh out of the experience and if it doesn't BOOM new bar that you like. I wouldn't really over-think it though, just find somewhere that'll have lots of other people about so no one is at risk of being kidnapped by the other.

Feel free to completely ignore my advice however, or at least take it with a pinch of salt. I'm not exactly successful in my own endeavours ever.