Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

[Alair Koraius]

@Arguskos - I've never yet had to deal with the bills, but I can imagine that it's a fairly trying process, with school and all on top of that. I agree that that's unfair and not right, if you were told there were no other charges, and there were... Yeah. My advice, although I've never had to deal with such a thing personally, demand to speak to someone who can help you. I know it sounds like being a jerk, using the word demand, but that might jsut be what you have to do. Explain the problem, and if they can't help, you say "Please connect me to someone who can." Do it as many times as you need to. If they hang up, there's always both of the mail options. Usually companies listen to someone, especially if they come in in person OR write a letter. It means to them, that this person is a serious customer, they pay my salary. One of the best lines I've ever heard from a fellow customer service employee was "It takes ten good customers' experiences to bring in a new one, but one bad customer's to lose ten frequenters." It's true in a lot of cases you find. If I have a really bad experience, I'll tell my friends about it, and they probably won't want to go there based on what they've heard. It's worth a shot, anyhow.

Also, because you're all prolly sick of this by now; I'll just say the one update on the continuing issue, and that is... Today is the first time I've cried so hard I bled.

[arguskos]

You know, the sad part is that I already did that. Three times even. I asked to speak with a manager and the call cut during the transfer. I just want it to be over with, so they'll stop calling me and leaving me automated messages saying "we need you to call us back".

[Zeb The Troll]

I've found that, although black is the preferred color, anything with a blazer and tie is acceptable.

It's not important exactly what you wear, just that you show respect for the solemnity of the ceremony.

I agree with this. At both my great grandfather's and my grandmother's funerals there were immediate family members who wore jeans (though not blue) and a polo shirt and no one thought ill of them. In fact it wasn't mentioned at all. Unless you're high society, most people would rather an unfortunate wardrobe not be the reason someone didn't come. Be as respectful as possible (clearly shorts and a Jimmy Buffet shirt would be inappropriate unless that's ALL you owned) but don't sweat the wardrobe over much.

[Dracomorph]

Also, because you're all prolly sick of this by now; I'll just say the one update on the continuing issue, and that is... Today is the first time I've cried so hard I bled.

I for one am not sick of hearing about this. Hearing other peoples' problems makes me feel better about my own personal shortcomings (they are many and horrible). Tell me more. PM if you want privacy, here if you don't.

Also, if you cried so hard you bled, you should see your GP in addition to any psych people. That really can't be good for you.

EDIT: If you haven't finished that critter for your 4e game yet, and you didn't run the session, you should stat it out. Just to get it done. Sometimes things feel better if you can actually finish a project.

[SMEE]

Oh well...

So, I woke up this morning and upon doing the daily checking of my moles, I noticed that one in my left arm that has slowly changing now almost doubled in size, changed shape and colour.

So, I scheduled an appointment with my dermatologist for this Tuesday to check, excise and send it to biopsy, as it's quite likely melanoma. Stage 1 melanoma, at least...
Now to keep an eye at my other hundreds of moles.

Focusing on work is being quite tough today.

[V'icternus]

Ouch, Melanoma... (I really, really wish school didn't teach me about Melanoma...)

That sounds bad, but you've probably caught it as early as could be hoped, which is always a good sign. And you have the support of the Playground behind you, so it can't be too bad.

Come to us if you need to rant, or if things take a turn for the worse (or the better, good news is good, too), and we'll always be here to lend a hand and support you as best we can.

(And my PM box is personally availiable to you 24/7 if you just need to chat or rant or anything else that you'd rather not do here)

[Dracomorph]

If it's any comfort, my Great-Uncle, who is in his seventies, has gotten at least 3 skin cancers excised, and is still going strong. Since you caught it early, there's no reason to panic yet.

[SMEE]

Thanks guys.
My dermatologist was quite clear about the fact that skin cancer wasn't a matter of "if", but a matter of "when" for me. I'm in the top of the skin cancer risk pyramid.

It's just bothersome see it happen so soon.

[V'icternus]

Damn...

Well, I'm sure you'll pull through. You're one tough customer. No Cancer can take you. And what I said before still stands, so yeah.

Any way we can help?

[Manoftyr]

Hey all, for those who may have been following my posts on this thread I've been going through a period of sharp ups and downs, experiencing mood swings, random panic attacks and many other issues. I'd also been experiencing odd sensations throughout my body, tinglings, chest pains, dizzy spells and many other troublesome things that I thought were stress or anxiety related.

Well yesterday, I found out the culprit behind it all.

Quite simply...I am in the early stages of type 2 diabetes, my swift changes in mood and dizzy sensations have been the result of spikes and drops in my blood sugar.

I made the discovery yesterday when I almost feinted after I ate lunch, then I received the results of a blood test I had some weeks ago; my insulin and uric acid levels were elevated above normal. My doctor has already started me on the finger-stick machine and the testing strips; I'm going to be needing to monitor my blood sugar and paying very close attention to what I eat.

I'm...pretty bummed out about this to be honest; I'm going to have to seriously overhaul my life in the preservation of my health and I'm worried that things will never be the same for me again, that I won't be able to take the simple pleasures I used to find in life, that now I'm going to be a slave to monitoring the rise and fall of my blood sugar.

Not much else to say about it really...just; heh, wow...kind of been a real slap in the face...

*sigh* I need a hug

Edit-SMEE, wow; that's really rough...heh, now I feel like a jerk for complaining about this; as this pales in comparison to what you must be going through right now and I'm terribly sorry to hear it; I wish you well and hope for the best in your trying circumstances.

I really don't know what to say except that my mother's a cancer survivor so even if things do take a turn for the worst I believe that it still isn't the end, you can still fight it and you can live on, even in the most trying and desperate of circumstances there is always a fighting chance...never give up hope.

I wish you well-being, health and happiness in these trying times.

[UserClone]

*hugs*

What are you nuts?! This is GRAND news! Now that you know what the problem is, it's only a question of your effort as to how good you feel. How many people can say that? Congratulations!

[Jacklu]

@ Smee: *hugs tight* Best of luck Smee, you know I am online whenever you need to talk.

@ Manoftyr: On one hand, being diagnosed with diabetes is never a good thing. It will mean having to change the way you live, and some changes might be harder than others to handle. But on the other hand, now you have a culprit behind all the problems you have been having lately. It might not be the best of things to find are behind what has been happening to you, but now those symptoms have been moved into your realm of control. For now, you know that we are here when you need support, which is more than some people have when facing stuff like this. My PM box is always open if you need to talk. *hugs*

[Zeb The Troll]

Hey all, for those who may have been following my posts on this thread I've been going through a period of sharp ups and downs, experiencing mood swings, random panic attacks and many other issues. I'd also been experiencing odd sensations throughout my body, tinglings, chest pains, dizzy spells and many other troublesome things that I thought were stress or anxiety related.

Well yesterday, I found out the culprit behind it all.

Quite simply...I am in the early stages of type 2 diabetes, my swift changes in mood and dizzy sensations have been the result of spikes and drops in my blood sugar.

I made the discovery yesterday when I almost feinted after I ate lunch, then I received the results of a blood test I had some weeks ago; my insulin and uric acid levels were elevated above normal. My doctor has already started me on the finger-stick machine and the testing strips; I'm going to be needing to monitor my blood sugar and paying very close attention to what I eat.

I'm...pretty bummed out about this to be honest; I'm going to have to seriously overhaul my life in the preservation of my health and I'm worried that things will never be the same for me again, that I won't be able to take the simple pleasures I used to find in life, that now I'm going to be a slave to monitoring the rise and fall of my blood sugar.

Not much else to say about it really...just; heh, wow...kind of been a real slap in the face...

*sigh* I need a hug

I would say talk to Supagoof about living a mostly normal life with diabetes. (I'm sure there are others, but he's the only other one that I KNOW of.)

The disease comes with many degrees of "wow, this is serious". Bor clearly has it something bad, but most adults with diabetes don't live like he does because of it. His is an extreme case. Goof, on the other hand, is a fully functional adult with no outward indications (except that time when he suffered from catastrophic equipment failure, which was a fluke when it happened).

[smellie_hippie]

(except that time when he suffered from catastrophic equipment failure, which was a fluke when it happened).

Can I just go on record as saying that it was scary as hell?

I'm amazed at how well we came together as a group, both in person for Goof and online to help Bor see his brother. But all that being said... the experience was scary as hell....

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Manoftyr: My life as a diabetic is a cautionary tale. I'm a Type 1 diabetic for almost 35 years. (This month marks my anniversary.) I abused my illness fiercely when I was younger, and was hospitalized for diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA) more times than I can remember. (I lost count after 50.) By the time I decided to start carrying for myself, it was too late. The complications were setting in, and the best I could hope for was to remain status quo.

So...I am the living, breathing warning to TAKE CARE OF YOUR DIABETES! That is, unless you think the complications might be fun. Like going blind. Sure, it's 18 years since I was diagnosed with retinopathy, and I can still see as well as my nearsightedness will allow, but it gets scary when blood vessels burst and there are HUGE black spots in my vision. I have yet to have any "stable symptoms" of nephropathy, but kidney failure seems to loom like an evil shadow over them. Last, but far from least, is neuropathy. This is the "fun" one. Chronic pain as the nerves scream that something is wrong...losing surface sensation so that you can't feel cuts and burns on your extremities...muscles dying because they don;t know they should be working...and then, as if that wasn't enough "enjoyment," a complication of a complication of diabetes, Charcot's joint. The bones and joints, most in my feet, aren't lining up properly, and risk breaking or becoming dislocated without my knowledge until it's too late. I already broke my left "pinky" toe without ever knowing it happened.

LET THERE BE NO PITY FOR ME! (If you must, you can toss in a, "Wow, Bor...that sucks.") Distressing as all of this is, I'm still getting by, and have a view of my medical issues as being a kind of backward blessing. It helps me appreciate what I still have all the more, and allows me to tell others, "You think you have it bad? Sit a moment and hear my story." And once they come away from hearing my tales, many people are more aware that they could have it much worse.

Would I rather not have these problems? Well, to be prefectly honest, I don't know. I mean, I'd rather be working, healthy and whole...but would I be the same person I am today if not for coming to know the bad side of life so closely?

So...You're a diabetic? Welcome to the club! (Your jacket and club card are on their way! ) But take care of it properly, or there will be a terrible price to pay.

*reactivates lurker mode*

[KataraAltinaII]

Manoftyr: My life as a diabetic is a cautionary tale. I'm a Type 1 diabetic for almost 35 years. (This month marks my anniversary.) I abused my illness fiercely when I was younger, and was hospitalized for diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA) more times than I can remember. (I lost count after 50.) By the time I decided to start carrying for myself, it was too late. The complications were setting in, and the best I could hope for was to remain status quo.

So...I am the living, breathing warning to TAKE CARE OF YOUR DIABETES! That is, unless you think the complications might be fun. Like going blind. Sure, it's 18 years since I was diagnosed with retinopathy, and I can still see as well as my nearsightedness will allow, but it gets scary when blood vessels burst and there are HUGE black spots in my vision. I have yet to have any "stable symptoms" of nephropathy, but kidney failure seems to loom like an evil shadow over them. Last, but far from least, is neuropathy. This is the "fun" one. Chronic pain as the nerves scream that something is wrong...losing surface sensation so that you can't feel cuts and burns on your extremities...muscles dying because they don;t know they should be working...and then, as if that wasn't enough "enjoyment," a complication of a complication of diabetes, Charcot's joint. The bones and joints, most in my feet, aren't lining up properly, and risk breaking or becoming dislocated without my knowledge until it's too late. I already broke my left "pinky" toe without ever knowing it happened.

LET THERE BE NO PITY FOR ME! (If you must, you can toss in a, "Wow, Bor...that sucks.") Distressing as all of this is, I'm still getting by, and have a view of my medical issues as being a kind of backward blessing. It helps me appreciate what I still have all the more, and allows me to tell others, "You think you have it bad? Sit a moment and hear my story." And once they come away from hearing my tales, many people are more aware that they could have it much worse.

Would I rather not have these problems? Well, to be prefectly honest, I don't know. I mean, I'd rather be working, healthy and whole...but would I be the same person I am today if not for coming to know the bad side of life so closely?

So...You're a diabetic? Welcome to the club! (Your jacket and club card are on their way! ) But take care of it properly, or there will be a terrible price to pay.

*reactivates lurker mode*

*actually read said post*

wow Bor... that sucks.

but you said spare the pity, so I'll step down now.

[Alair Koraius]

So, today was Panic Attack 3. That's 3rd day in a row, not 3rd ever.

I'm sorry to be posting here so frequently, bugging you all with the same problem over and over, but this is the only vent I have until I get my Canadian insurance in 2 months, and then I can go bug a doctor. Again, I'm sorry, but ask that you just let me rant, as I have nowhere else to turn.

Agenda:

Spoiler

Show

• Friends
• School
• Parents
• Mental State
• Glossary

I. Friends

So, one of the continuing problems I'm having here is I have no friends. And even when I do find people who are the types I'd want to associate with (drugs--; similar_interests++;) I still need to convince anyone I find that I'm worth being around, and won't just whine like an emo 12-year-old, so I need to act fine around them until their sense of better judgment goes away and they think that I'm not just some brat.
Like today, while I finally made some friends (The three of them that I came to know were all girls, and really nice), Adam decided to play surgeon with my emotions, and decided to pull my "boys and girls have an infinitely harder time being friends that boys alone."- and "They don't wanna be your friend for real, even so, you'd just screw it up by developing feelings for one anyways."-cards
Jacob was trying to be helpful with "But aren't you looking for that, eventually, too?" to which Adam got the last word in with "And HE has a chance even if he did?! -insert maniacal laughter here- GTFO, noob! Jacob was banned from the server."

Possibly one of the reasons people don't wanna associate themselves with me, is that I will open right up to you and act like we've been frinds for more than two seconds. In fact, I usually follow the ally until proven enemy tactic, where I just don't mind getting right into the introductions, and further along into the background stories. >.>


II. School

So, I'm learning a lot about school in Canada. Namely that the 5,000 Nuyen dollar deposit for international students, and the form that you need on top of a student visa to take classes, that you get at the border, making the student visa a useless sticker in a useless book from a pointless process. Seriously, if you need that paper to be a student AT ALL, why do they give you a student visa anyhow? Oi.

Anyhow, I went to the mandatory International Student Orientation today. Yes. "International". I'm a 30-minute drive from my home country. It's not that big of a gap, and the language barrier is virtually nonexistant. There I made a complete ass of myself twice, felt like crap more than once, but made some friends who Adam tells me are actually there to hate me.

III. Parents

I can't get into this now. But, rest assured, my mom and I fight. Daily. It usually ends with me in tears, losing fine motor control rapidly on the floor, and her storming off into another room.

IV. (IIII.) Mental State

Deteriorating. And Rapidly. Suggest emotional transplant immediately, but we don't have the required IRL hugs. Need donors. Fast.


V. (IIII.)Glossary:

Adam: Self-hate, total jerk who hates Alair as a whole. A tough guy who likes to abuse Jacob.
Jacob: The only bit of my mind that cares about me, likes to try and mend things, but a bit of a weakling.
Sora: The part of Alair that makes his mind more similar to a girl's that a boy's. She acts more than she speaks, and likes to silently hand fuel to Adam, which Jacob would rather refute.

[thestarvingpoet]

I thought I'd maybe give an update. I kind of stopped coming for a while when the comic wasn't updating. If you don't want to read about girly-illness related things then don't click the spoiler.

Spoiler

Show

So I had my colposcopy (what a funny word) 3 days before my birthday. It was embarassing and unpleasant, but could have been worse. The doctor took 4 biopsies of affected cells. I wasn't really that worreid coming out of the appointment, because 90% of the people in the clinic were my age or younger. Lots of people I've talked to have had the abnormal cells and had to have colposcopies, but nothing else, so I figured I'd be the same.

Got my results on Monday - there are high grade changes (pre-cancerous cells) and they need to do surgery on them. I'm booked in for the 16th. I'm slightly nervous about the procedure (although nothing can be worse than eye surgery).

I've been kind of mentally checked out all week. I'm not really upset, because the optimistic side of me keeps saying 'at least it's not cancer, and if these things are caught early it's almost a 100% cure rate', but I still haven't been myself. Part of me is frustrated that I'm only 26 and having all these medical problems (I have gastro issues as well). On the other hand I know it could be worse, and there are people who do in fact have it worse.

Anyway, all in all just feeling a little down. Keep on wishing everything would just stop. Wish I had more people I could talk to about these things, but really I don't. Alas.

[Dracomorph]

So, today was Panic Attack 3. That's 3rd day in a row, not 3rd ever.

I'm sorry to be posting here so frequently, bugging you all with the same problem over and over, but this is the only vent I have until I get my Canadian insurance in 2 months, and then I can go bug a doctor. Again, I'm sorry, but ask that you just let me rant, as I have nowhere else to turn.

Agenda:

Spoiler

Show

• Friends
• School
• Parents
• Mental State
• Glossary

I. Friends

So, one of the continuing problems I'm having here is I have no friends. And even when I do find people who are the types I'd want to associate with (drugs--; similar_interests++;) I still need to convince anyone I find that I'm worth being around, and won't just whine like an emo 12-year-old, so I need to act fine around them until their sense of better judgment goes away and they think that I'm not just some brat.
Like today, while I finally made some friends (The three of them that I came to know were all girls, and really nice), Adam decided to play surgeon with my emotions, and decided to pull my "boys and girls have an infinitely harder time being friends that boys alone."- and "They don't wanna be your friend for real, even so, you'd just screw it up by developing feelings for one anyways."-cards
Jacob was trying to be helpful with "But aren't you looking for that, eventually, too?" to which Adam got the last word in with "And HE has a chance even if he did?! -insert maniacal laughter here- GTFO, noob! Jacob was banned from the server."

Possibly one of the reasons people don't wanna associate themselves with me, is that I will open right up to you and act like we've been frinds for more than two seconds. In fact, I usually follow the ally until proven enemy tactic, where I just don't mind getting right into the introductions, and further along into the background stories. >.>


II. School

So, I'm learning a lot about school in Canada. Namely that the 5,000 Nuyen dollar deposit for international students, and the form that you need on top of a student visa to take classes, that you get at the border, making the student visa a useless sticker in a useless book from a pointless process. Seriously, if you need that paper to be a student AT ALL, why do they give you a student visa anyhow? Oi.

Anyhow, I went to the mandatory International Student Orientation today. Yes. "International". I'm a 30-minute drive from my home country. It's not that big of a gap, and the language barrier is virtually nonexistant. There I made a complete ass of myself twice, felt like crap more than once, but made some friends who Adam tells me are actually there to hate me.

III. Parents

I can't get into this now. But, rest assured, my mom and I fight. Daily. It usually ends with me in tears, losing fine motor control rapidly on the floor, and her storming off into another room.

IV. (IIII.) Mental State

Deteriorating. And Rapidly. Suggest emotional transplant immediately, but we don't have the required IRL hugs. Need donors. Fast.


V. (IIII.)Glossary:

Adam: Self-hate, total jerk who hates Alair as a whole. A tough guy who likes to abuse Jacob.
Jacob: The only bit of my mind that cares about me, likes to try and mend things, but a bit of a weakling.
Sora: The part of Alair that makes his mind more similar to a girl's that a boy's. She acts more than she speaks, and likes to silently hand fuel to Adam, which Jacob would rather refute.

I'm asking this to clarify for myself; do you have Dissociative Identity Disorder, or are you just naming your mental processes for ease of reference?

It will probably help to remember that Adam is a liar, and wants to hurt you.

Also, while it's better to discuss mental health with people you know very well, sometimes anyone is okay. I've got a close friend at McGill, and I've heard him lament the difficulty of being away from home before. I'm afraid there are no easy fixes for this problem; time and therapy, plus new friends, is pretty much all you'll get.

We are here to listen, so don't worry about how much you are complaining. It makes me feel at home, or at least like I've met another person who doesn't mind sharing problems rather than letting them build up.

[Raewyn]

*hugs Manoftyr* I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I was always terrified of having diabetes when I was a kid (not that I had (m)any risk factors, I just inherited my parents' neuroses). It always sucks to face these kinds of things initially, but later on you'll be glad you did.

New query: Any advice for someone who finds the mild inebriation of a single alcoholic beverage to be a million times more effective at dealing with my issues than actual medication? Aside from 'find a psychiatrist that will prescribe you an appletini a day'?

(I'm not seriously considering/advocating self-medicating with alcohol, just wondering if it's possible that other people have experienced a similar phenomenon and how they dealt with it.)

[Pyrian]

I guess that depends a lot on what your issues are. Alcohol is a remarkably effective anxiety medication for some people, but most jobs, for example, won't put up with even mild intoxication in their employees. Work in a bar, maybe? Kidding aside, alcohol is an addicting substance and I'd be very worried about the side effects of long term treatment.

[ThatVoice]

@Raewyn:

I've not personally experienced that, but it's possible that your problems are stress-related. I was wound up with stress a while back when, and found that my (terrible) hand-eye co-ordination improved after a drink or two. Why? After a drink or two, I was far less stressed. Less stress meant more normal functioning.

Definately don't use alcohol to cope, though. I know you're not intending to, but dependencies are insidious in their development.

[Manoftyr]

Bor, trust me, your warning does not fall on deaf ears. I'm already taking every precaution and preventative measure I can including changing my diet and cutting out all sugars and other simple carbohydrates, testing before and two hours after meals and getting on a regular exercise regimen...as of now I seem to have nipped this right in the bud, fortunately it got caught early, and my levels have been consistently within a healthy range. The lightheadedness, dizzy spells and sudden bouts of vertigo have stopped with my change in diet and my mood swings have been more under control as well; I intend to keep things that way.

And everyone else, thanks for the E-hugs; I think I'm gonna be fine

[Ninja Chocobo]

Kidding aside, alcohol is an addicting substance and I'd be very worried about the side effects of long term treatment.

..
So uh what exactly would constitute "long term treatment"?

[Jacklu]

Great to hear that, Manoftyr. Here's hoping things continue going up for you.

[Raewyn]

Manotyr: *hugs again* Glad you're gonna be okay.

Basically to clarify what the heck Iwas talking about earlier, I had a drink for the first time in a long while (it being my 21st birfday and all) and found myself being more talkative (since I usually am so terrified of saying something dumb that I just say nothing at all). As a result of this, I was a lot happier than usual. My boyfriend said it was a remarkable difference compared to even me in a normal happy mood. So I'm starting to think that my inhibitions/anxiety are a considerably bigger problem than I previously gave them credit. Now I've just gotta figure out whether it's a chemical imbalance issue or a 'you had a sucky childhood' issue. Oh well, I get to see my shrinky again in 10 days, I can talk to her then (though she might be ticked at me for drinking; I may not technically be supposed to ).

[Jacklu]

I'm a stupid stupid idiot who poisons everything I touch. No matter what I do, I end up hurting people. I complain about feeling invisible, but the world would probably be better off if that was the case. Just getting this out there.

[UserClone]

*Hugs*

It's okay, I'm immune to poison.

[Alair Koraius]

I'm asking this to clarify for myself; do you have Dissociative Identity Disorder, or are you just naming your mental processes for ease of reference?

It will probably help to remember that Adam is a liar, and wants to hurt you.

Also, while it's better to discuss mental health with people you know very well, sometimes anyone is okay. I've got a close friend at McGill, and I've heard him lament the difficulty of being away from home before. I'm afraid there are no easy fixes for this problem; time and therapy, plus new friends, is pretty much all you'll get.

We are here to listen, so don't worry about how much you are complaining. It makes me feel at home, or at least like I've met another person who doesn't mind sharing problems rather than letting them build up.

I just named the different parts of my thought process. Mostly for fun.

Also, today was a good day. Has the potential for god tier. Here's hoping I don't feel down once during my weekend hopefully filled with epic.

[arguskos]

Spoiler

Show

So, I'm not depressed as much as very very confused.

See, I have this really strong desire to play around, even though I'm in a relationship I couldn't be happier in. I love my gf of two years, more than anything. She's a great person, and I'm truly blessed to have her. However, I do find that I have the desire to play about more than a little bit. I chalk most of this up to my innate desire to experience as much as I can in my lifetime, but it's still something I worry about.

I don't think it's because I don't love her, I just want to try different flavors, if you understand what I mean.

Am I just an immoral hedonist, or is this something that others have grappled with as well?

And, more importantly, what ways would you suggest to alleviate this desire of mine to play around and experience how other people deal with intimacy.

Ugh, finding ways to say what I ACTUALLY want while keeping it somewhat PG is pretty damn hard. >_>