Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

[Dallas-Dakota]

Just a little update for anyone who might care:
For the past three days, I have been really, really happy. I feel much better about myself and I'm generally content. I went from two or three depressions a day to none. I really, really, want it to stay this way.

Thats good to hear.

[arguskos]

Just a little update for anyone who might care:
For the past three days, I have been really, really happy. I feel much better about myself and I'm generally content. I went from two or three depressions a day to none. I really, really, want it to stay this way.

Good to hear Gem. Stay that way, or we might have to give you hugs again.

[Anuan]

Just a little update for anyone who might care:
For the past three days, I have been really, really happy. I feel much better about myself and I'm generally content. I went from two or three depressions a day to none. I really, really, want it to stay this way.

Hurrah! *hands out lemonade*

[MountainKing]

I haven't dared to show my face about these parts in quite a while; mostly a self perception thing, nothing against you folks. Unnerving as it might sound, I do skim about, and you're all (pretty much, from what I can tell) wonderful people... so, I thought, maybe this once, I'd see if somebody would be able to, at the least, relate.

For reasons that would make this more related to the "Relationship Woes" thread (which, I won't go into), tonight I found myself kind of... emotionally spiraling out of control. It hasn't been anything serious feeling, and I don't anticipate it doing so, but... who can say?

Over the course of the evening, I've listened to a pair of songs by, of all crazy seeming things, Motorhead (yes, the iconic speed metal band). Thus far, though, they're the only two emotional, heartfelt, and meaningful songs that Motorhead has ever released. For reference, the songs are "I Ain't No Nice Guy" and "One More F***ing Time"; they don't *sound* like what I've described, but, if you've got a tolerance for metal or rock, and you don't believe me, pull up YouTube and check them both out.

Those two songs, and the thoughts and feelings they evoke, paired with the aforementioned unmentioned (paradox?) events, have left me realizing rather keenly that... I feel empty. My brain knows that if something is "empty", it has nothing in it, and therefore, weighs less. It knows that "empty" isn't exactly tangible (it's the absence of something; you can't really touch what isn't there). Yet... All I can think about is just how *heavy* "empty" feels.

Has anyone ever figured out why that is? Why "empty" feels so heavy?

[Dallas-Dakota]

Because of the longing for something.

[arguskos]

Has anyone ever figured out why that is? Why "empty" feels so heavy?

*sigh* Because emptiness weighs upon a man as nothing else in the universe does. I speak from experience here. Meh, venting time (spoilered for great justice).

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I am depressed. Not really a real reason, I just sorta am. At this point, I figure I've got clinical depression that was never diagnosed. I don't really say anything to anyone, because it's not their damn business, and because most people I call friend or family don't care. My parents sure as hell didn't when I tried to tell them I needed help in high school. Dad pushed me away (like usual) and Mom didn't get it (as usual). So, I've gotten good at dealing with the emptiness and the loneliness.

And here's the thing about those feelings: after awhile, they aren't so bad really. I've found that the feeling of being alone is something that I can deal with. It's like an old familiar enemy, someone you don't really like, but whose presence makes you feel a touch better even though you don't know why. I love being around my two true friends in the world, though one lives 1000 miles away, but at the end of the day, I'm always alone in my head, and that's comforting somehow.

Emptiness though, that one I can't deal with yet. You're right, MountainKing. It's a real question, why empty hurts so bad. I guess it's because one can be used to being lonely, to hurting all the time, to anything really, just so long as there's SOMETHING to feel. But, if you feel nothing? If you are empty inside? It's the worst feeling I can imagine. It's worse than anything at all. I'd rather die than live life that way, and almost have because of it. I've walked myself to the edge of the Abyss and stared into it. I barely walked away last time, and that was through guilt. Since then, I've fought that feeling with anything I can.

Emptiness is something we all must face eventually. How we deal with it defines who we are as human beings. My advice, if you wish it, is this: find something to drive it back with. Use humor, pain, exhaustion, love, anything you can. Don't let it eat at you. If you do, you'll find yourself where I did: at the Abyss, wanting to end it all, and that's not a fate I wish for anyone.

That was... far more philosophical than I wanted. Sorry, it's likely not what you wanted, but I guess it's what I needed to write. Hope no one minds.

[Dogmantra]

Wow.
Just... wow.
My confidence has been completely undermined now.

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I hang about on t'internet because I can be whoever I want. I can act like my view of a good person, because I don't really like myself in real life. This is doubly good, because not only does it mean that I get accepted, but that I am reassured that the real me is a good person too, since the internet me has basis in real me. It's also quite good because in Real Life (TM) you can't only hang about with people who share the exact same interests, and there are always going to be idiots about. Fora are a bit different, because the idiots get banned.

Except for one.

There is another forum I frequent, and there is one member, who I'm sure (she denies it, apparently) left some time ago. She posts now, purely to tell everyone off, and lament how things used to be so much better. She did her monthly "this isn't appropriate", and I called her out on it. She basically went on to flame me (albeit mildly) and generally make me feel like a terrible person. I actually cried. Someone on the internet has never made me do that before.

This has really shaken my confidence, twofold, actually. One because I feel like a terrible person again, and I don't want that, two, because the internet used to be my safe haven for when I was feeling bad about myself, and now, well, now I can't be sure...

[smellie_hippie]

Dogmantra: Don't blame yourself for another person's expectations. It's impossible to find a way to satisfy absoluetly everyone, all the time, without sacrificing everything you think might be important.

It sounds like this person has continue to undergo her personal crusade of 'pointing out what's wrong' which is quite a bit less useful than 'this might help make things better'. Don't let one rotten apple (granted she apparently has multiple episodes of being rotten) shake your confidence in the rest of what has been a safe and liberating place to express your thoughts and ideas.

*hugs*

[Last_resort_33]

Every Forum Ever Always used to be so much better. No forum has ever been the same since such and such left, such and such joined, the software was updated and since X became a mod/stopped being a mod. It was better before and everyone was so much more polite, wittier and more fun and the In Jokes we had back then were funnier than the ones now.

This is always the case and this woman is stupid if she tries to argue that your forum is different.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Attempt #4 at posting. Don't open the spoiler if you don't want to know the aweful truth about me.

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The depression is winning, folks. This month has proved to be infinitely more stressful than I thought, and I'm increasingly sick and tired of being sick and tired. For all the advice I dispense on these forums, I seem incapable of following any of it. The foundation of my greatest stressor is that which doesn't grow on trees, and I am so thoroughly filled with self-loathing and shame that if find it more and more difficult to face each day. When I go to sleep each night, I find myself praying I won't wake the next morning.

If not for the great disappointment others would experience, it would be over now. And I fear it's only a matter of time before that level of concern dissipates, and I make my final choices. As it is, I am perpetually fighting tears, and the fight against my emotions is physically exhausting me.

Why am I not running for the help that I would tell others to seek? Two reasons immediately come to mind. The first is that I have no one to care for Nike. The other is that a psych ward would do nothing to address my physical pain. They would cease the steady flow of painkillers that I need to move without experiencing agony, and I would likely find myself in the nightmarish grip of withdrawals.

I am being overwhelmed by dread, shame, physical pain, a sense of worthlessness and abandonment by those who SHOULD be caring: my family. In just over two weeks, I will be 43...a 43-year-old burden to those whom I should never have become a burden.

Note: the three posts before this basically said the same things. I just lacked the courage to click "submit reply." Why I did it now, I have no idea.

[arguskos]

Attempt #4 at posting. Don't open the spoiler if you don't want to know the aweful truth about me.

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The depression is winning, folks. This month has proved to be infinitely more stressful than I thought, and I'm increasingly sick and tired of being sick and tired. For all the advice I dispense on these forums, I seem incapable of following any of it. The foundation of my greatest stressor is that which doesn't grow on trees, and I am so thoroughly filled with self-loathing and shame that if find it more and more difficult to face each day. When I go to sleep each night, I find myself praying I won't wake the next morning.

If not for the great disappointment others would experience, it would be over now. And I fear it's only a matter of time before that level of concern dissipates, and I make my final choices. As it is, I am perpetually fighting tears, and the fight against my emotions is physically exhausting me.

Why am I not running for the help that I would tell others to seek? Two reasons immediately come to mind. The first is that I have no one to care for Nike. The other is that a psych ward would do nothing to address my physical pain. They would cease the steady flow of painkillers that I need to move without experiencing agony, and I would likely find myself in the nightmarish grip of withdrawals.

I am being overwhelmed by dread, shame, physical pain, a sense of worthlessness and abandonment by those who SHOULD be caring: my family. In just over two weeks, I will be 43...a 43-year-old burden to those whom I should never have become a burden.

Note: the three posts before this basically said the same things. I just lacked the courage to click "submit reply." Why I did it now, I have no idea.

Bor, I wish I had something deep and important to tell you, you know that. I can't say much though. There's little I can tell you, save that you are never a burden. As a friend, it's my responsibility to be there for you when you need help. That's what being a friend means. Never think you are a burden. You give back to us with your friendship, your advice, and your humor, and that's enough.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Okay...as soon as I posted that last...post, I picked up the phone and called my mental health case management. In turn, they sent three people to assess my level of crisis. While all three are extremely concerned, they felt confident that I would make it through tonight, and want me to follow up with another call tomorrow.

They clearly recognize what's causing me this unbearable level of stress. In fact, I basically told them that the way I was reared made money the end all, be all of that which equates to comfort. In that regard, there's nothing they can do. They don't give money to those who don't have any...they just offer a ride to the hospital. But they felt a hospital is not what I need at the moment, so they were on their way.

So the good news is that I did the right thing, in that I made a call for help instead of doing something I couldn't reverse. The bad news is that a lot of nothing seems to be available in the way of help from them.

And Arguskos...Thanks for the kind words. I read them while the crisis team was here, and they were glad that someone out there cares.

[Cheesegear]

Bor, as I've said multiple times; This thread whole forum wouldn't be the same without you, simply because I second Arguskos' opinions. The fact that you're willing to post your thoughts, mean that you're thinking about it, and, since you're writing it down, and due to the person that I know you are; You've thought about it clearly.

The one thing I do know is this; You're thinking, which, ultimately means that you're not sure. Which is good. Like you've said before; when you are sure is when we should worry - or be happy, if the case warrants.

There's a lot I wish I could say, but, I can't. Since I'm deadly (and I do mean fatally, evidently) sure that there's nothing I can say that isn't something you've heard before. So, I offer you my not-very-helpful support, because that's all I can give. There are only a very select few in this world that are a burden in my life, and you, Sir Bor the Awesome, are not one of them.

[Neko Toast]

Another post after being unable to sleep at night. My thoughts have been turning towards certain things when I'm trying to sleep these days, and it gets me worked up and upset so that I can't fall asleep until much later in the night. Therefore, I end up waking a lot later in the morning.

Unfortunately, I don't have the option of sleeping in this morning, because I have to babysit at 9:45. So I'll be losing some sleep tonight.

I think it's time that I invest in some sleep aids. Does anyone know of any brands that are available over-the-counter?

[Cheesegear]

I think it's time that I invest in some sleep aids. Does anyone know of any brands that are available over-the-counter?

I'm very wary of over-the-counter products that actually do things, or at least say they do. I do not suggest that you do this; But there are plenty of Night-Time Cold Medications that can make you drowzy. But, since sleep is important; I've always gone to my doctor for a prescription.
It's safer and that way and I know what I'm getting.

Another (suggested/approved by Cheesegear) option, is to ask the pharmacist. They're almost as good as doctors when it comes to what they're selling and is in their shop. After all, it's their job.

[Neko Toast]

I'm very wary of over-the-counter products that actually do things, or at least say they do. I do not suggest that you do this; But there are plenty of Night-Time Cold Medications that can make you drowzy. But, since sleep is important; I've always gone to my doctor for a prescription.
It's safer and that way and I know what I'm getting.

Another (suggested/approved by Cheesegear) option, is to ask the pharmacist. They're almost as good as doctors when it comes to what they're selling and is in their shop. After all, it's their job.

Not sure if I want to get a prescription just yet. But asking the pharmacist sounds like a good idea. I actually know one personally, which is an advantage.

[Tequila Sunrise]

Hey Bor, thanks for the advice. I wish I could send you something more than moral support; I'm not sure whether diabetes or chronic depression sucks more. I was diagnosed with diabetes about five years ago, and I know it's a pain. I'm sorry to hear about your friend; until very recently, CF was usually a death sentence.

Cystic Fibrosis, for anyone who doesn't know, is a genetic disorder that was 99% terminal fifty years ago. Basically, my body cells can't effectively pass salt between them. As a result, all my bodily fluids are thick and viscous. And as every single tube and canal in the human body has some kind of fluid coating, the smaller ones get completely blocked which causes a bunch of problems.

I need daily medication and physical therapy to cough up mucous from my lungs, I swallow 6-12 pills every time I eat a meal that contains fat and/or protein because my pancreas can't get its enzymes to my intestines, I can't drink and will likely need a liver transplant sometime in the future because it's all blocked up. One of the symptoms of CF is very salty sweat. There's a saying from Europe, where the CF gene originates, that goes something like "Sweat on the brow, no more than a month to live." Thanks to modern medicine though, my odds are good for a relatively normal life. If this country's ****ed up healthcare system doesn't get me chronically depressed and cause me to kill myself first.

The only good things about CF are 1) I'm completely immune to cholera [or was it malaria?], should we ever have an epidemic and 2) I can eat whatever I want so long as I take enough pills and insulin, because my doctors are always afraid of me losing weight.

[KilltheToy]

I really need to get this out:

My 13 year old brother is being a serious pain. He has ODD and ADHD and has medication for the ADHD (Daytrana, if you're curious), but it really doesn't do much. He has a habit of overreacting to the smallest things. He also uses very colorful language and routinely calls me a word starting with "b" meaning "a female canine" or other fun words of that type.

Now that you know all this, let me get into why I'm posting here:

Earlier today (meaning no more than an hour, probably just over half an hour ago), I took his hat and ran with it, in an attempt to get him off the computer so I could go about my daily websites like GITP. I threw it into a particulary neglected corner of the living room, and when he went to get it, he complained there were cobwebs all over it. This, from his point of veiw, ruined the hat forever and made in unsuitable for him to wear. He came over to me and started yelling about how his hat had cobwebs all over it and to make a long story short, things got physical. Not that I really helped there, so it was kinda my fault, but I still didn't see the need for things to go that far. Things came to a head and he took his anger out on the punching bag in the garage (thankfully), followed by messing up his room even more than it already is. Then he came to me and started yelling about how horrible his life was and that took up about 5 minutes, followed by him demanding that we make up and declare peace. I know for a fact that this is at best a temporary peace and won't make it to Friday unless I'm beyond lucky. Then again, this is all me speaking from my point of veiw which is mostly against him.

I really don't think that posting here should drive you to tears, but somehow it has. I'm just glad to get this off my chest.

[Pyrian]

I'm very wary of over-the-counter products that actually do things, or at least say they do. I do not suggest that you do this; But there are plenty of Night-Time Cold Medications that can make you drowzy.

Heh! In some cases, you're getting the exact same drug either way. IIRC it's Sominex and Benadryl that are the same substance packaged for two different treatments.

[Neko Toast]

I really need to get this out:

My 13 year old brother is being a serious pain. He has ODD and ADHD and has medication for the ADHD (Daytrana, if you're curious), but it really doesn't do much. He has a habit of overreacting to the smallest things. He also uses very colorful language and routinely calls me a word starting with "b" meaning "a female canine" or other fun words of that type.

Now that you know all this, let me get into why I'm posting here:

Earlier today (meaning no more than an hour, probably just over half an hour ago), I took his hat and ran with it, in an attempt to get him off the computer so I could go about my daily websites like GITP. I threw it into a particulary neglected corner of the living room, and when he went to get it, he complained there were cobwebs all over it. This, from his point of veiw, ruined the hat forever and made in unsuitable for him to wear. He came over to me and started yelling about how his hat had cobwebs all over it and to make a long story short, things got physical. Not that I really helped there, so it was kinda my fault, but I still didn't see the need for things to go that far. Things came to a head and he took his anger out on the punching bag in the garage (thankfully), followed by messing up his room even more than it already is. Then he came to me and started yelling about how horrible his life was and that took up about 5 minutes, followed by him demanding that we make up and declare peace. I know for a fact that this is at best a temporary peace and won't make it to Friday unless I'm beyond lucky. Then again, this is all me speaking from my point of veiw which is mostly against him.

I really don't think that posting here should drive you to tears, but somehow it has. I'm just glad to get this off my chest.

First off, I like the play on words in your signature. *took French for 7 years*

To get to the topic at hand, I've dealt with similar situations with my own little brother. He's a bit older than yours (16), but he sounds quite alike. Only difference is that my parents realized that meds = not working, so he doesn't take anything. But yeah, he calls me a b**** as well (which is even worse considering I'm female), and overreacts to the stupidest things. I constantly have to clean up after him because he's a slob, he's a spoiled brat because my parents don't seem to punish him at all, he gets into yelling matches with my father, etc. We're in the same boat.

Not that this will help you in any way, but these are some things that made life more bearable around him:

- I got a laptop (ie my parents bought it) before I went to college. A few months after that, we got a router. Those two things combined means that you never have to share a computer with him again.
-College. You end up seeing him a lot less if you go away for school.

Again, these may not apply to you, but they could in the future. Otherwise, just try to avoid contact and communication with him as best you can. Can't say that he'll grow out of it just yet, because my brother's 16 and still hasn't done so.

[MountainKing]

Slayer Draco: Have you tried taking melatonin suppliments? They're not the end all be all, but when I tried them, they definitely helped.

Bor: *hug* Though I'm not a frequent face here in Friendly Banter, every time I see that you've posted, I've thought nothing less than that you sir, are in fact a very good man. I don't know you very well, and I won't lie and say that I'm intimately familiar with what you're feeling, but... I want you to know that, I wish you my best. If you happen to use MSN, and need someone to talk to, I've always got a shoulder to lean on. I've yet to figure out how to listen to myself, but listening to others... that, I can do.

Agrus: "And here's the thing about those feelings: after awhile, they aren't so bad really." That sir, is one of the things that worries me the most, I think. The sheer level of familiarity I have with all the negativity in my head almost makes it a comfort, sometimes. Feeling that comfort, though, is disconcerting to me, especially on nights where I've come home from a large social gathering (it's rare, but it does happen)... I step into my empty apartment, and all I can hear is silence. Something I actually noticed last night, whenever I open my door, I actually hold my breath for just a second as I step inside.

Out of everything, I think the silence can be the loudest on some days... but again, it's familiar.

[KilltheToy]

First off, I like the play on words in your signature. *took French for 7 years*

To get to the topic at hand, I've dealt with similar situations with my own little brother. He's a bit older than yours (16), but he sounds quite alike. Only difference is that my parents realized that meds = not working, so he doesn't take anything. But yeah, he calls me a b**** as well (which is even worse considering I'm female), and overreacts to the stupidest things. I constantly have to clean up after him because he's a slob, he's a spoiled brat because my parents don't seem to punish him at all, he gets into yelling matches with my father, etc. We're in the same boat.

Not that this will help you in any way, but these are some things that made life more bearable around him:

- I got a laptop (ie my parents bought it) before I went to college. A few months after that, we got a router. Those two things combined means that you never have to share a computer with him again.
-College. You end up seeing him a lot less if you go away for school.

Again, these may not apply to you, but they could in the future. Otherwise, just try to avoid contact and communication with him as best you can. Can't say that he'll grow out of it just yet, because my brother's 16 and still hasn't done so.

1. Thanks. Everyone seems to like it. I'm working on how to get the German "Gift" in there, since it's got some potential to be made into a pun.

2. Wow. We really are in the same boat. Edit a few details here and there and you have my little brother. Granted, I'm a slob too, but he's really that much worse about it. Tell me, is your brother amazingly hypocritical?

3. I have a laptop, but most of what I do on it is on the internet (the laptop is a netbook anyways) and we have a broadband connection. (I also have my own desktop computer, but it's a second-hand piece of crap, so I just don't use that thing at all.) I really need to get around to setting up that wireless router .....

As for collage, trust me, I plan on it.

[MountainKing]

Self depricating mini-rant. Don't read it if you don't want to hear someone beating themselves up.

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A few years ago, my first girlfriend broke up with me, for a handful of reasons that really, didn't make any sense. That didn't matter to me at the time; I broke down over it. Blinded myself with anger and frustration, turned the pain I felt into fuel for my own inner demons, I forced everything about the relationship away from myself. I didn't know I was making a horrible mistake, but I did it anyway. It was the only thing that seemed to make the crushing feeling in my chest lighten up, if not stop altogether. I grabbed a hold of my pain, turned into anger, redirected it, forced it out of myself... after what felt like an eternity, I ran out. All of the feeling burned out of me... so, naturally, I thought I'd give it another go.

Ended up with another girlfriend, we were steady for a few months, and then I met somebody else... a girl at work, in fact. We became friends, started hanging out a lot, but I never thought anything of it. In fact, I was almost dead set on the girlfriend I had... I was sure that nothing would come of my friendship with the girl at work... until I found out she was attracted to me. The knowledge set me on my ear; my girlfriend at the time, lived in New York, more than seven hundred miles away... and here was someone, right in front of me, who wanted to give me the same chance.

Ultimately, what I did next became second in a long line of mistakes. I broke things off with my girlfriend, saying that I couldn't handle the distance, and that I'd met somebody who lived in the same town as I did... the phonecall lasted for an hour, and it was the most painful phone call I've ever made. She was crying... I still cared about her, so I was upset... but I didn't know what I was doing then. Hindsight has little to do with it; I know now exactly (as exactly as one can get, anyway) how emotion works, how love is meant to work... but then, I had no idea the kind of pain I was causing. I should have had an idea, having had my own heart broken (and badly, at that), not even four months prior... but I didn't think about that. I was excited by the prospect of being with someone who not only understood me, and whom I really did like, but whom was also within five minutes drive of my apartment.

That was the big difference. She was *here*... that's what I focused on... and I couldn't have been more stupid about it.

I broke her heart to be with somebody who would break up with me after just over a month. Somebody that I fell for, and fell for hard... so hard that I actually gave her my virginity, even when she had the decency to stop me, and make me think about what I was about to do. I did it anyway. Another stupid mistake... I was blinded by how I felt; surely, I thought, nothing could go wrong.

All of that happened back during the end of '05, beginning of '06. Late in '06, I tried to apologize to the girl who's heart I'd broken. I'd seen that I'd been wrong... but she refused to speak to me. Now, here in '09, I've been talking steadily with my now friend... the woman who'd broken my heart in the first place. We've been friends again since early last year... and today, it came up that she still talks to the other girl.

Are you ready for another stupid mistake? Two nights ago, I poured my heart out to her, telling her that after all of this time, and everything that's happened, I still love her... and I do. I always have... I just couldn't see it, I couldn't tell... Today, it came up that she still talks to the other girl, the one who practically put me back together after the woman I still love had destroyed me... and I asked her if she would tell her that I'm sorry... for everything I did.

The way I handled everything was wrong; I know that. I've been sorry, and wishing I could just tell her that, for years... but... I haven't had much chance to talk things out with my friend, but from what I can tell, she was not happy that I asked her.

All these years, and I've done nothing but destroy everything I try to build. I can't identify what it is in me that makes it happen... all I have is the crystal clear memory of the aftermaths. The mental scenes of destroyed hopes and chances.

All I want to know is this: when will my sincerity finally equal the wrong I've done? When can I stop paying for my mistakes?

I don't know what feedback can be given for this... it's mostly rhetorical, directed at myself... but I have nowhere else to put it...

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

With my mind running on autopilot the last few days, and with a crisis team keeping in touch with me to make sure I don't do something stupid, I'm obviously having problems being helpful.

With TS's reply and her explanation of CF, I found myself in dire need to write a letter to an old friend. Here it is, for those willing to read it.

[smellie_hippie]

With my mind running on autopilot the last few days, and with a crisis team keeping in touch with me to make sure I don't do something stupid, I'm obviously having problems being helpful.

You're always being helpful my friend... by taking care of you the best you can. Now just make sure you keep the rest of us posted as to your situation, so we can continue being helpful to you.

Talk to you soon...

[Pyrian]

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All I want to know is this: when will my sincerity finally equal the wrong I've done? When can I stop paying for my mistakes?

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I'm not sure what you did when you were angry about being dumped, but otherwise most of what you've written I would not regard as being egregiously out of line. It didn't work out to break up with one girl and try out a different one. You can't have known that at the time, and in fact you'll never know if staying would have worked any better, the girl you dumped might have dumped you a few weeks later anyway. You got laid within a committed relationship. If that's wrong I don't want to be right. You asked someone to be an intermediary when you more properly should have either not said anything or said it yourself; kind of immature, but hardly unforgiveable.

So, what's the big deal? You've had some relationships, made some mistakes, had your heart broken, broke someone else's. Good. This is called practice, and you should be better at the whole thing in the future. So, don't obsess about those past, failed relationships and look towards a bright future with an altogether new one.

[Matticus]

I start, I keep going, I don't stop. I don't want advice; I just want to vent, to put down something of my problems, the ones that bother me right now, and maybe doing that will be helpful enough. It all boils down to me being unable to think things through properly.

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Okay. So this is how it is. I'm a student, just turned 16. I don't have many friends; I'm not unintelligent but I'm lazy and apathetic toward my studies; I'm not the most social person around, but I can be. I don't think that's a weakness: Some days I am able to talk to people I don't know, to be funny, to be almost cool, almost acceptable. Usually, not.
I used to blame my sleep (or lack thereof) for this. I'm beginning to realize that's not responsible, that the problem is something else. Something inherently wrong with myself, that means I'm not capable of being the best I can be, every day - even some days. I feel good about myself maybe two or three days a week and not for the whole days, ever. Normally, I just feel...ugly, stupid, weird, like I don't fit. I try, very hard, to not judge other people; to accept and overlook their flaws and see the good points, perhaps, but recently my pool of friends or acquaintances has stagnated. The description for this that I use is the "get a life" kind of thing - I have no life as that insult defines it, and I have extreme difficulty making one or regaining one. So I sit here and I obsess, over nothing, and I know it's nothing, and it shouldn't matter, whatever it is, but it DOES, it DOES matter, but only to me, not to anyone else. I've managed to make myself matter to a few people; just a few, just a few, one off the top of my head, just one for sure, but I think if I were to leave at least three would miss me.
isn't that lovely? Maybe more than three.
The particular issue here, the reason I'm thinking about these things, things I ignore in my happier moments, is a girl. Most of my issues come down to a girl; the girl changes, the situation doesn't. I'm a stupid person who struggles to interact, to make and maintain connections with people, and so I'm unable to satisfy any of the little hormonal urges pushing at my mind all the time.
This girl, in particular, is going. Far away, for a month, right across the holidays, when I wouldn't see her anyway. I see her at school; in one class, when she talks to me because I'm the only person she knows there. I'm her entertainment in one twenty-minute sub-class! The esteem boost of this! /sarcasm
So she talks to me when she's really bored. At least that's how I saw it, until about three weeks ago, when someone else in that little class asks if we're an item. Confusion. They then say they sense sexual tension and a week later ask if I'm still not interested again and repeat they believe she's interested. They're not friends with her much, and wouldn't be privy to a secret, so their intuition isn't really important.
Except I kinda started believing, hoping, thinking, maybe somehow, someone cared. This put me off-balance for about a week or so. I was in pretty bad shape. I think I posted something in the depression thread 3 on that. My mind wasn't working very neatly; I was angry and not calm, I got distracted and went off on a tangent about some stuff that made me pretty angry. This doesn't make me angry, except maybe at myself, because I'm unable to remain in control of my imagination, my dreams, and they overtake me. Then when reality doesn't meet up to what I hoped it might, I get pretty down about it. And when I get down I can't interact with people well...and being antisocial hurts my mind. So that spirals downward, and only getting away from people saves me.
Finally, on Tuesday, I managed to have a conversation (ish) with the girl that I'd been aiming for for a long time, just a kind of conversation I envisioned I could have and run properly, because usually I can't converse properly with people. Any good it did was lost today when I got annoyed at her and she was fairly indifferent to me the rest of the day...so from this I read she isn't really interested in me at all. Sigh. Ah, my teen angst.
So after school today I hang around slightly longer than I would to talk to a good friend of mine, the one who cares lots, but I can't bring myself to explain anything or give any inclination that I feel pointless and worthless in public, particularly with some other acquaintances around. I don't want to cry at school.
They don't log on for another three hours at least, and internet-hugs just don't compare to the real thing.
You might notice or realize or think, I hope at least, that I'm fairly fickle in my words. At this point I don't FEEL anything, other than a slight moistening of the eyes that indicates my problems bring me close to tears right now, but my mind is comparable to a huge square block. It feels like a big cube that doesn't do anything. I'm really hoping that somehow this is going to help me. Aahhhh...What else preys upon my mind? Very little. Very little I can remember; the block stops me from remembering what else bothers me. Now I'm called to dinner, which will wipe from me the ability to type more.

That is all...

[smellie_hippie]

Matticus. Good venting! I hope it helped a little like you mentioned. If you want to talk about these things, we're here...

I've got a bit of an issue as well. I hate house hunting! I've been in a rental house with my family, and my wife and I have been looking to purchase our first home. How long have I been looking you ask? Months you say? Sure, okay... we can go with months... about 64 of them!! Yeah, that's right... 64 months (4 years and 4 months who are pre-coffee and unable to do maths).

So almost 4 1/2 years that I have been trying to find a house... and nothing. It's not like we have incredible standards that nothing on the planet would meet. We're also not looking for the "paradise mansion that happens to be selling for fifty bucks"... just a house.

We've put offers on a house now on five different occasions. Two of those made me very upset when they refused our offer. Now if you think about this... it means I have offered over a hundred thousand dollars on something that I was *meh* about. How ridiculous is that!?!?

So the search continues... and we are looking at more of them next week. I hate this... but I hate where I live now as well. I just really hope that I'm not building up the dreamy existence of actually owning a house as making life so much happier. Or settling for just not having to look for one anymore.

Thanks for listening playground.

[Anuan]

Bor: You're absolutely amazing, look after yourself. You've earned the right to focus on helping yourself.

I want to ask if anyone's seen Bluewind recently...

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I've got a bit of an issue as well. I hate house hunting! I've been in a rental house with my family, and my wife and I have been looking to purchase our first home. How long have I been looking you ask? Months you say? Sure, okay... we can go with months... about 64 of them!! Yeah, that's right... 64 months (4 years and 4 months who are pre-coffee and unable to do maths).

Ummm...Hippie? Before my pain meds kick in and I agree that 64 months equates to four and a half years, I...well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's five and a half years. Perhaps you need to wait until the coffee is properly digested before doing math.

Anuan: Odd that you should say what you did, because I spoke on the phone with Smellie Hippie last night, and we discussed how those who have such issues as myself need to learn to care for ourselves without feeling "selfish."

The problem is that it's hard. It seems as though ever mentally ill person I've met manages to feel guilty the moment they turn around and say, "I need time for me." It's what stops so many of the psychologicalled distressed from seeking help; we, as a whole, don't want to be a burden to anyone we know.

And that brought us to Bluewind. There have been times when she's gone silent, only to pop up again.

That being said, I have my fears. Many of us tried like mad to keep her from harming herself. Despite my fears, I have hope that the worst she's done is make her attempt, failed, and landed in a hospital. Thus, the reason she's not in touch with us is either that she's gone silent for a while, or she's in a hospital and unable to get in touch with us.

For everyone who tried so hard to keep her with us, I sincerely suggest you pray for the best, but prepare for the worst.