Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

[Xallace]

I actually feel really bad for skipping the majority of this thread to make my own post. I'm sorry, everyone above me! My PM box is always open for you if you need it!

Anyway...

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I don't know where to begin. I think there should be a flow to the story, but I'm more prone to jumping around.

OK, I guess we should start with something that has always seemed to affect me. I don't keep friends long. It's almost never a big fight or a falling out, it just seems like there's a lot more drift with me than anyone else around. Ever since I was still aged in the single digits, I was sorta the "go to" guy for people without cliques. Then when they found cliques, I was filtered out of their lives. It hurt, a lot, but I let it happen since, well, these people I had been friends with were happy.

Now I just started college, and it's been a while since I was the "go-to" guy. Which was nice, y'know? I had a group of friends that stuck together, stuck by me even through my worst (a separate story altogether, and one I've stopped dwelling on finally). But now... my best friend left for college two years ago, my other best friend left a week ago.

I have my girlfriend, I have friends who are still around. I love them, I appreciate them. But there's just something about having someone who you could honestly say was among your best friends- not good. but best- leaving that just hits me all over again.

Anyway.

Heh, I keep writing and deleting and writing and deleting... There's so much I want to say but I don't want to say it here, y'know? I want to tell the people I'm having problems with that I'm having problems with them. But it's late, and the problems are old. I'd have to wait until morning at least.

Hm. OK, here's a weird one.

I'm told I'm a pretty good guy. No, no that's wrong. You know what my friends have called me? A saint. A hero. Superman. Those are direct quotes. I'm told... I'm told a lot of things about myself, most- if not all- of them good. I'm put up on some kind of pedestal.

And I don't deserve any of it.

I'm a coward, history has proven this. I've never done a heroic thing in my life. I have terrible trouble relating to people, I'm not strong, I'm not gifted in anyway- I don't have any outstanding talents! I'm self-centered, lazy, got no self-esteem... I'm not even good looking! But WAIT, there's MORE!

I want to be my friends' hero. I want to be the strong one, who'll never let them fall, who'll always be the rock and shield and the sword if necessary. I want to be what it is that my friends think I am but I'm not and it terrifies and depresses me that I'm letting them down with every second of my life!

AND I FEEL SO FREAKING SELF-CENTERED FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.


.....I just, I don't know. I don't. You know one of the reasons I like it here? No expectations. I post here and there, put up a homebrew, crack a joke. Nobody goes, "Aw yeah, that Xallace guy! Best guy ever I bet he'll be president someday!" I mean, I like to think I'm a semi-respected face around here, certainly not a big-league, it's just...

I don't know. I'm tired. Good on you if you read through all that without thinking less of me. Go grab yourself a sandwich.

[Raewyn]

Omigosh, poor Nike.

Also, poor Bor, but I just started fostering my third cat, so I sort of have kittehs on the brain. *many much hugs for Bor and also Nike*

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I'm not in the mood for venting - though I really should be. I've been without therapy for a few months now and while the Boyfriend is all well and good for a shoulder to lean on, it's not really the same thing. Hopefully, I get to see someone on Wednesday and get a few things off my chest

*hugs everyone in the thread*

[ArlEammon]

I love you Rob. . . Rob has been nice to me for quite a whiel

[reorith]

i've been watching my neighbors house since they moved in almost six years ago. for the first time since then, all the lights in their house are out at the same time. there is power in the rest of the neighborhood and their security system is still active. i don't know if i should tell someone, not care, or call them. they went to the shore for the weekend, but even then they usually leave the light on in the master bedroom's bathroom and the study i'm sort of creeped out by this, but i'm sure they'd be creeped out if the found out i'd been keeping logs of when and how frequently they left certain rooms at night. it just seems so alien to look out my window and see the house unilluminated.

[Meirnon]

****EDIT****
Forget I said anything... I should have deleted my post earlier. I was tired and I realize now I came off as self-glorified, as I usually do when I don't consider my speech.

[Dogmantra]

Anyway...
<snipped>
Hm. OK, here's a weird one.

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I'm told I'm a pretty good guy. No, no that's wrong. You know what my friends have called me? A saint. A hero. Superman. Those are direct quotes. I'm told... I'm told a lot of things about myself, most- if not all- of them good. I'm put up on some kind of pedestal.

And I don't deserve any of it.

I'm a coward, history has proven this. I've never done a heroic thing in my life. I have terrible trouble relating to people, I'm not strong, I'm not gifted in anyway- I don't have any outstanding talents! I'm self-centered, lazy, got no self-esteem... I'm not even good looking! But WAIT, there's MORE!

I want to be my friends' hero. I want to be the strong one, who'll never let them fall, who'll always be the rock and shield and the sword if necessary. I want to be what it is that my friends think I am but I'm not and it terrifies and depresses me that I'm letting them down with every second of my life!

AND I FEEL SO FREAKING SELF-CENTERED FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.


.....I just, I don't know. I don't. You know one of the reasons I like it here? No expectations. I post here and there, put up a homebrew, crack a joke. Nobody goes, "Aw yeah, that Xallace guy! Best guy ever I bet he'll be president someday!" I mean, I like to think I'm a semi-respected face around here, certainly not a big-league, it's just...

I don't know. I'm tired. Good on you if you read through all that without thinking less of me. Go grab yourself a sandwich.

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Having low self esteem myself, I completely sympathise. It can feel like when people are telling you that you're great that they're actually pushing expectations on you. This article is quite interesting, and almost completely on this subject. Apparently, people with low self esteem who tell themselves, or are told that they are great often feel worse than if they're not. You have to really try hard to take things as compliments, as opposed to expectations. I find it tough myself, which is why I do things like keep my exam results at school secret, in case I feel I haven't reached people's level of expectation, when really, they were just congratulating me on getting good marks last time.

Though what's apparent from the entire thing is that you are not a bad person at all. You are definitely deserving of the praise that you're getting. Why?

I want to be my friends' hero.

is why.
You're trying and that's what matters the most. People would rather be friends with someone who tries to be a good person than someone who's completely perfect. To paraphrase a quote that I've only heard second-hand: "Sometimes when you do something right, people don't realise you've done anything at all".

I don't have any outstanding talents!

You're likable, regardless of your flaws, that much is apparent from your post. That's one of the most important talents you can have. Much more useful than being good at running, or drawing.

And my sandwich was delicious, thanks

[Xallace]

This article

...is quite interesting indeed. Hm. Alrighty, confidence building. I can work with that. You know, now that I think about it there are a bunch of martial arts programs in my community that claim to build confidence. Perhaps I ought to start there.

And my sandwich was delicious, thanks

Wonderful! Mutual benefits achieved!

And Dogmantra: thanks. I was in a sour mood last night... a nice long sleep definitely helped, but waking up to find your post was awesome.

[loopy]

Okay... Don't really want to alarm anyone particularly, but what do you do when that one situation happens that drives you over the edge and starts making you seriously consider methods of suicide?

Cos thats happening, and I feel like throwing up and crying.

[loopy]

Hm. OK, here's a weird one.

I'm told I'm a pretty good guy. No, no that's wrong. You know what my friends have called me? A saint. A hero. Superman. Those are direct quotes. I'm told... I'm told a lot of things about myself, most- if not all- of them good. I'm put up on some kind of pedestal.

And I don't deserve any of it.

I'm a coward, history has proven this. I've never done a heroic thing in my life. I have terrible trouble relating to people, I'm not strong, I'm not gifted in anyway- I don't have any outstanding talents! I'm self-centered, lazy, got no self-esteem... I'm not even good looking! But WAIT, there's MORE!

I want to be my friends' hero. I want to be the strong one, who'll never let them fall, who'll always be the rock and shield and the sword if necessary. I want to be what it is that my friends think I am but I'm not and it terrifies and depresses me that I'm letting them down with every second of my life!

AND I FEEL SO FREAKING SELF-CENTERED FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.


.....I just, I don't know. I don't. You know one of the reasons I like it here? No expectations. I post here and there, put up a homebrew, crack a joke.

Also... thats me. I just haven't been able to say that in this thread yet. Xallace, its a horrible feeling sometimes, but I definitely know what its like.

[dish]

Okay... Don't really want to alarm anyone particularly, but what do you do when that one situation happens that drives you over the edge and starts making you seriously consider methods of suicide?

Cos thats happening, and I feel like throwing up and crying.

You go to befrienders.org, find the hotline for your particular country, and talk to them. They listen to people in distress and provide support - not judgement or anything - just the support needed. They'll take it seriously. They won't disregard anything. They won't force anything. They'll just listen.

If you don't want to talk to a stranger, you can talk to a friend or relative, but I think it is often much easier to talk to a stranger who is outside of your particular situation and who has been trained to help and to know what to do.

Whatever you do, you should talk to someone. Don't keep it all inside your head.

[raitalin]

Alright, I figure this is a good place to air it all without judgment, or at least judgment that I give a crap about.

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I had problems with depression and focusing in the past, this was basically solved when I started smoking pot and discovered the works of Kurt Vonnegut my sophomore (10th grade) year in HS. I'm intellectually gifted (IQ 130+, an extraordinary ability to absorb information, etc.) and have an uncanny sense of patterns in human behavior (I'm a historian and political scientist, but I could just as easily be a psychologist or sociologist).

Seriously, I want to emphasize that pot has never been anything but a positive influence in my life. It helps me focus and relax, but doesn't drain my motivation or energy levels (which are, admittedly, already quite low). Judging by its effects on some of my friends, I am very much the exception to the rule.

I've always had problems with self-starting, largely hampered by my existential, cynical philosophy that everything I do is essentially inconsequential. At the same time this view comforts me, as I don't feel like my actions (or lack thereof) are the end of the world.

Last year, however, I went on probation for theft (incredibly stupid, long story) and had to stop smoking pot. At the same time I transferred my work location and was stuck with the most mind-numbing tasks I've ever done professionally. I've got ~ 6,000 in debt I can't deal with. I smoked and screwed up my early release from probation, my girlfriend of 2 years left me in January and my cat of 20 years died in February. Loneliness hit me hard for the first 2-3 months, but seems to have subsided now. I'm got friends that I still see and an old female friend from HS that I've always had a very close relationship with that gives me someone I feel comfortable showing weakness to.

Unfortunately I always feel like people have enough problems of their own without listening to mine, so I keep a lot of stuff bottled up. For instance I started talking to my Ex again, and she's having stress seizures (She has a long history of mental issues, she's diagnosed borderline personality disorder) so I don't feel like I can be honest with her about how betrayed and hurt I felt when she left with a lot of false promises. I can't tell my family about why its so difficult financially with me because I don't want them to know I'm on probation. I can't talk to my friends completely candidly, because, well...I'm a guy.

What's really tearing my up now is my inability to create. I've always been able to write poetry/prose/D&D stuff but recently I can't focus on anything long enough to make progress. When I do manage to create something I'm so exhausted afterwards i immediate feel the need to sleep. My court-ordered psychologist (I talked the judge out of substance abuse and into psychological counseling) wants me to accomplish something creative by the time I see her again in 2 weeks and all I've managed is a map of a campaign world I'm dreaming up, and that exhausted me. To top it off I got in a car accident this weekend and have to figure out what I'm going to do about transportation until that gets sorted out.

I suppose things are looking up for me. My PO says he'll recommend taking me off of probation at my next court date. I've got an appointment with a psychologist to get me on some sort of meds in late August. I got my license unsuspended recently so I'm able to look for more lucrative work. Its the waiting that's killing me now. Its just that I've spent so long being unproductive that its becoming unbearable.

Yeah...so I don't know what I'm expecting from the Playground, but its nice to shout into the Void, if nothing else.

EDIT: Yay, I'm a dwarf in the playground! I suppose that's something.

[Matticus]

Hmm. Feeling blue. Managed to drive away a friend, although I wasn't trying very hard. Maybe they didn't run away from me; maybe they just don't care to see that I'm down.
Then again, maybe I did drive them away...maybe even my better "friends" would rather not talk to me. Maybe I just drag everyone down, always.
Which I do.
Hey, why should they care? Why should anyone care about me, stuck out here in the middle of the edge of the edge of somewhere. (read: nowhere)
I don't wanna go out...I don't like people, I don't like making the effort to pretend to fit in (I fail at that anyway). If I stay here I go quietly mad, spirally lower and lower into darkness I can't pull myself out of...If I do go out, it'll suck.
Goddamnit I hate the holidays.

[Xallace]

You go to befrienders.org, find the hotline for your particular country, and talk to them. They listen to people in distress and provide support - not judgement or anything - just the support needed. They'll take it seriously. They won't disregard anything. They won't force anything. They'll just listen.

If you don't want to talk to a stranger, you can talk to a friend or relative, but I think it is often much easier to talk to a stranger who is outside of your particular situation and who has been trained to help and to know what to do.

Whatever you do, you should talk to someone. Don't keep it all inside your head.

Dish has it right, dude; you need to full-on talk to somebody. If it's any consolation my best friend was suicidal for months and she's alive, kickin' and happy after she finally talked to someone about it and got the help she needed. So I guarantee it's a help.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

loopy:

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First off, kudos for speaking up, rather than putting some kind of plan into action. Better you should speak first than land in a greater crisis than when you started.

Fighting off self-destructive feelings is EXTREMELY difficult, so my suggestion is far from easy...but what you need to do is pause and seek immediate help. You can always try to learn from my personal experiences by starting to read from here, and then reading the related posts that follow. Part 2 has a specific suggested course of action if you truly feel you need immediate aid - that being you walk into an emergency room and say, "Hi...I'm seriously suicidal." Trust me...you should get help immediately.

You can also search online for local hotlines to call. Australia is not a third world country with no services for the general public, so there should be someone to call.

If you honestly feel you are a danger to yourself, and don't think you can get the help you need on your own, call a trusted friend or family member and explain, as plainly as you can, that if you don't get help immediately, it's possible you'll do something foolish. If they start freaking out, try to tell them, "I can appreciate your emotional distress, but at the moment, I'M the one who needs help. If you want to join me in the psych ward later, you can. But let's focus on me for the moment...please?"

As for the throwing up or crying, I recommend crying instead. Throwing up gets messy. Seriously, you are ALLOWED to cry. At some point, we men got it into our heads that it's an injustice for males to shed tears. That's nonsense. If crying will help you vent some of what's going on inside your head, you go right ahead and weep. Try to save any screaming you might want to do for a pillow, as such emotional venting may cause others to panic.

That's all I have for you at the moment. By all means, try to keep us posted on how you're doing.

Meirnon:

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To you, I recommend you pay close attention to the lyrics of A Talk with George. (The lyrics are under "more info" to the right of the video.) I also recommend you watch the entirety of The Last Lecture, given by Randy Pausch. (I was so inspired by the video that when I was passing the book shelves in Wal-Mart and say a book about the lecture, I grabbed it without even considering the price.)

I am emotionally ill, suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and severe recurring depression. There is rarely a moment when I'm not complaining about something...but then I also believe that one should try to make every day count for SOMETHING GOOD. You'll note the italicized "try" there. One isn't always successful, but then it also depends on how you measure success. Since I'm not faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and/or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, (despite claims to the contrary), sometimes my successes are very small. Make someone smile; show someone you care; share a kind word with someone for no reason other than it's a nice thing to do.

Personally, I think you're doing as well as you can under your current circumstances. Yes, it would be nice if the cards of fate were always a straight flush, but we are more often dealt garbage hands. Better to keep taking reasonable risks and keep playing than folding every time.

(Note to self: Must stop playing online poker with fake money; it leads to cliche metaphors. )

I hope some of this helps in some way. Feel free to drop in and vent again, sincde yours was a post that didn't require a dozen questions to flesh out the issues.

As for myself...There's a lot of STUFF going on, and it's starting to happen faster than I would have liked...but then, as I often remind folks, "Life is what happens while you're making other plans." Not only am I trying to keep my regular blog up to date, but also make additional notes in the comments once others have said something. In order to stay up to speed with the lunacy that is my life, (if you're interested), I recommend you go there.

And that's all I have to say at this moment, boys and girls. Just remember that goat slappage will occur to those who attempt to dismiss their issues, and we're bringing in genetically engineered goats for that purpose...they EXPLODE on impact!

[Meirnon]

Please delete the section for me...

[Dallas-Dakota]

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I've slowly been falling deeper.
And this is a very bad one....It's just not a week orso....It's been going deeper.....slowly ever eating away at my mind....Attacking me viciously.....Especially the lack of social life......

College...I've been accepted into it. Good, right?
I've been feeling as if I've just thrown myself into a pitt, I've not had a good creative history or anything. True, I have been making some avatars(kudos to the people who still use them.)in Inkscape, a vector based program. Being vector based, somehow, in my mind makes it void as a artistic enterprise. I'd go into some more detail on this, but I don't want to.
Partially I have been feeling that I did this to spite my parents somehow. Ha, you didn't and don't really know me.

Even now, I'm constantly doubting whether I'm going to post this.

The summer has me being constantly reminded of my lack of a social life.

And sometimes one of my main fears, being bored.
Sounds silly, doesn't it? But I have to have something to do.
My mind is overactive(a major reason for my chronic migraine), it thinks faster then I can follow it sometimes. But when I'm busy doing something, it has to focus, thus calming down a little bit. Not to mention that being bored ...well..erm...sucks. And my artside is usually only active when it feels like it.

But you're probably wondering now, DD, with taking Art as the college course, you'l have assignments, you can't just do those when you ''feel like it''. Yes, people, you have correctly bumped into another point. Though there is Webdesign, which I can do on command and have barely any experience in. Gooooo me! (This reminds me of a request made by Andre, long ago, which I still have to do. Damn me and my procrastination issues....)

Still doubting whether to press that button....Ah...I really shouldn't avoid this thread much. I should be tellinlg instead of thinking people aren't worth my attention.

Overworked my wrist at work(stacking shelves, woohooo /sarcasm), didn't go to a doctor. Felt pains in my hips for a couple of days, didn't tell anybody.(Luckily, they're over now)
And also bottling up the rest of my I'm still sad to say, regular or chronic problems.

This is DD checking out and hopefully pressing that Submit button...
Thenk you all for listening.

[Dr. Bath]

Try not to worry DD. And vector art is just as much art as anything else. It's just a medium, the art is what you put in.

[Cheesegear]

Just remember that goat slappage will occur to those who attempt to dismiss their issues, and we're bringing in genetically engineered goats for that purpose...they EXPLODE on impact!

That would bring you to The Goat Level of The Diablo Depression Thread. But you need Bor's Leg to get there. And only Bor has Bor's Legs. So, if there are any exploding goats that happen to anyone except Bor. They're cheating somehow. And that means that your problems really are that serious and should be paid attention to.

[loopy]

loopy:

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First off, kudos for speaking up, rather than putting some kind of plan into action. Better you should speak first than land in a greater crisis than when you started.

Fighting off self-destructive feelings is EXTREMELY difficult, so my suggestion is far from easy...but what you need to do is pause and seek immediate help. You can always try to learn from my personal experiences by starting to read from here, and then reading the related posts that follow. Part 2 has a specific suggested course of action if you truly feel you need immediate aid - that being you walk into an emergency room and say, "Hi...I'm seriously suicidal." Trust me...you should get help immediately.

You can also search online for local hotlines to call. Australia is not a third world country with no services for the general public, so there should be someone to call.

If you honestly feel you are a danger to yourself, and don't think you can get the help you need on your own, call a trusted friend or family member and explain, as plainly as you can, that if you don't get help immediately, it's possible you'll do something foolish. If they start freaking out, try to tell them, "I can appreciate your emotional distress, but at the moment, I'M the one who needs help. If you want to join me in the psych ward later, you can. But let's focus on me for the moment...please?"

As for the throwing up or crying, I recommend crying instead. Throwing up gets messy. Seriously, you are ALLOWED to cry. At some point, we men got it into our heads that it's an injustice for males to shed tears. That's nonsense. If crying will help you vent some of what's going on inside your head, you go right ahead and weep. Try to save any screaming you might want to do for a pillow, as such emotional venting may cause others to panic.

That's all I have for you at the moment. By all means, try to keep us posted on how you're doing.

Thanks to everyone who has posted. I am trying to work up the courage to call one of the national anti depression/suicide hotlines... I'm glad Australia doesn't have easy access to firearms, cos that seemed like a really easy solution at some points over the past few days.

Has anyone ever felt that the only thing stopping them from killing themselves is the massive note they'd have to write explaining themselves? Cos I do. I don't know.

[Meirnon]

That... plus the guilt you feel for even thinking about it when considering your loved ones... it isn't worth it for the pain it'd put them through.

[HellfireLover]

I'm sorry folks, I tried to read through the thread, but most of the posts are so long, I feel like I'd be there forever.

So straight onto the TL:DR.

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Hi *waves shyly*

I’m not usually depressive – or more accurately, I’ve had spells of it since I was a pre-teen, but have a healthy dose of anger issues which help me look less ‘emo’ to friends and casual acquaintances; and I try to be positive – but I’m starting to feel really bad here.

Currently feeling very down, in debt (working to get out of debt) due to marriage and house-buying and repairing, but my god the phone calls from angry creditors – it’s enough to drive a body insane. Every day I get at least five phone calls from people demanding more money off me – even though I don’t have enough to buy work clothes, or get my hair cut (my mum pays for it for me) – these people DEMAND that I give them more, more, more. More of what I don’t even have enough of in the first place. My house is a mess – my garden is a mess – I was supposed to be growing my own food this year but crappy late frosts and working late have ruined my plants and intentions well enough and now everything outside is covered in weeds; and everything inside is covered in cat puke stains from my poor little cat who died. My work is severely stressful, my colleague is on maternity leave and I’m covering her job and mine, regular hours are 8 to 5 but I’m always in here working late… and still don’t finish everything and I feel rotten about it, like I’m letting everyone down. I’m frightened that my boss considers me inadequate and a poor replacement. I’m so tired I could cry. If the phone rings just once more today I do feel that I might go completely looney.

Top that off with being chased for money at work by work creditors, and being asked to deal with stuff I have no prior knowledge of, and being asked to calculate figures off the top of my head every day (which is too much for my poor dyscalculic brain) and being expected to see ‘obvious’ mistakes that aren’t obvious to me (see my previous parenthesis) and knowing that I DON’T have my coping systems well enough in place, and that processes ARE being missed due to a combination of time constraints and never having the time to sit down and see a job through end to end without something else coming in and taking me away from it…

And I moved town six years ago and I still haven’t made any friends…. because I work so hard and don’t have time or money to volunteer or go to the gym, or the cinema, or even to go for a walk in the park at the other end of town… I feel isolated and like I’m getting more and more reserved, and the more reserved I get, the more warped I must seem to other people… My husband works long, silly hours as a driver and I don’t see enough of him, and I worry like a crazy jealous woman that someone else is going to come along and poach him off me.

And dear lord, I used to be so fit and slim, now I’m all doughy and pale and I’m so PARANOID about it. I was used to the other kids bullying me, about my weight and my height and my hair colour (no kidding) and even being from a different town with a slightly different accent, when I was young: but as I got older I projected that I was less sensitive (although I never was) and they moved onto softer targets – but that whole body hatred has kicked in again and all I can feel, wherever I go, is people laughing at me, silent, mocking… I hate it, it makes me so angry… I alternate between snarling and wanting to cry.

I just… honestly, if this is all adult life has to offer me, I don’t see the point quite frankly. *puts head down on desk defeatedly*

[thestarvingpoet]

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Hi *waves shyly*

I’m not usually depressive – or more accurately, I’ve had spells of it since I was a pre-teen, but have a healthy dose of anger issues which help me look less ‘emo’ to friends and casual acquaintances; and I try to be positive – but I’m starting to feel really bad here.

Currently feeling very down, in debt (working to get out of debt) due to marriage and house-buying and repairing, but my god the phone calls from angry creditors – it’s enough to drive a body insane. Every day I get at least five phone calls from people demanding more money off me – even though I don’t have enough to buy work clothes, or get my hair cut (my mum pays for it for me) – these people DEMAND that I give them more, more, more. More of what I don’t even have enough of in the first place. My house is a mess – my garden is a mess – I was supposed to be growing my own food this year but crappy late frosts and working late have ruined my plants and intentions well enough and now everything outside is covered in weeds; and everything inside is covered in cat puke stains from my poor little cat who died. My work is severely stressful, my colleague is on maternity leave and I’m covering her job and mine, regular hours are 8 to 5 but I’m always in here working late… and still don’t finish everything and I feel rotten about it, like I’m letting everyone down. I’m frightened that my boss considers me inadequate and a poor replacement. I’m so tired I could cry. If the phone rings just once more today I do feel that I might go completely looney.

Top that off with being chased for money at work by work creditors, and being asked to deal with stuff I have no prior knowledge of, and being asked to calculate figures off the top of my head every day (which is too much for my poor dyscalculic brain) and being expected to see ‘obvious’ mistakes that aren’t obvious to me (see my previous parenthesis) and knowing that I DON’T have my coping systems well enough in place, and that processes ARE being missed due to a combination of time constraints and never having the time to sit down and see a job through end to end without something else coming in and taking me away from it…

And I moved town six years ago and I still haven’t made any friends…. because I work so hard and don’t have time or money to volunteer or go to the gym, or the cinema, or even to go for a walk in the park at the other end of town… I feel isolated and like I’m getting more and more reserved, and the more reserved I get, the more warped I must seem to other people… My husband works long, silly hours as a driver and I don’t see enough of him, and I worry like a crazy jealous woman that someone else is going to come along and poach him off me.

And dear lord, I used to be so fit and slim, now I’m all doughy and pale and I’m so PARANOID about it. I was used to the other kids bullying me, about my weight and my height and my hair colour (no kidding) and even being from a different town with a slightly different accent, when I was young: but as I got older I projected that I was less sensitive (although I never was) and they moved onto softer targets – but that whole body hatred has kicked in again and all I can feel, wherever I go, is people laughing at me, silent, mocking… I hate it, it makes me so angry… I alternate between snarling and wanting to cry.

I just… honestly, if this is all adult life has to offer me, I don’t see the point quite frankly. *puts head down on desk defeatedly*

I started to post a reply, and deleted it. Started again, deleted. Will the third try be the charm?

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I don't know where you're from, but here in Canada we have a charity called Credit Canada (I'm sure there are others too) that help you with your debt and look at the best options to manage it. I'm sure there are similar charities in most countries that could possibly help you out.

I don't have a lot of experience with debt (I just have a small car loan and student loans), but I have had experience with not having a lot of money. I've found if you're willing to sacrifice a few things you can certainly trim up your budget. Some things that people consider necessities really aren't - for example I didn't have a tv for about 5 years. I did have a computer, as it was necessary for school, and I could use it to watch rented movies if necessary. I found though - after an initial adjustment period - that I didn't really miss tv. I listened to the news on the radio, and read to fill the spare time. And the $30/month (minimum) that saved me was a good chunk of groceries.

I've also found that eating out uses a lot of money - it's a terrible habit to get into. Lately I've considered starting a special savings account: anytime I think I might go out for supper, I instead make supper at home and transfer $20-40 into the savings account (whatever the meal would have cost). I always bring a lunch to work, and the amount that I save through that alone is massive. My coworkers will buy lunch every day, spending at least $7/meal and probably $2-3/coffee. That's $10/day, which in an average month would be at least $200 savings.

Things like this certainly won't solve your money problems, but they can't hurt either! And you may do all these things already... in that case just ignore the previous paragraphs.

I'm sorry your kitty died. I do have a tip for kitty puke stains though - get Spot Shot (available at Wal-Mart up here). When I first got my cat he got very sick the first weekend and puked about 14 times in 3 days. For weeks after I was finding hidden puke spots that I hadn't noticed before. As I was renting, and the carpet was a light grey, this was bad news. Spot shot saved my butt there - it does an amazing job, even on old stains. If that fails you could always consider renting a steam cleaner - we can rent them from Safeway for about $30/day. It's a bit of extra work, but it will make you feel better about the inside of your house, which is important.

The late frosts messed with a lot of people - I was lazy, and for once that paid off as my plants were okay. Depending on the length of your growing season it is probably too late to start many plants - however if the sight of the garden is bringing you down consider taking an afternoon to hoe all the weeds and break up the soil, and just plant some cheap wildflowers. It will at least look nice and ease your mind a little.

With regards to your job - try talking to your boss. It's not unreasonable that you are having a difficult time covering two jobs. There was another person in that job for a reason! I have been in a similar situation, and it is difficult - often managers don't understand that the workload is heavy. It may be that some responsibilities can be shuffled around thus easing your workload. It can be a difficult subject to approach, particularly when you're feeling so negative and guilty about it. If you're uncomfortable speaking, email is always a good alternative. I would probably approach it by acknowledging that you have been making some mistakes, and perhaps mistakes that you should have caught - but with the increase in workload from covering X's maternity leave you've been feeling very pressured and scattered, working extra hours and still feeling like you're not caught up and things are being missed. Something along those lines. As long as you are expressing a willingness to work with your boss, etc, it shouldn't be an issue.

I feel your pain when it comes to being lonely. Since finishing university I've found that my group of friends have all drifted (some physically, others just always are busy). I feel like I have no friends, and even when I meet new people I don't find I'm able to break through the acquaintance barriers to actually make meaningful friends. So I'm afraid I can't give you any advice there. I too often feel like people are laughing at me, or mocking me behind my back. They probably aren't though. I would say that your self esteem will start to pick up once the other things in your life start to sort themselves out. However, little steps can make a big difference too - making the effort to go for a 20 minute walk every day can do wonders for your self esteem because you know you're at least trying to make the changes...

Sorry for the novel. Maybe I'll eventually work up to posting about myself someday...

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Ugh! Just ONE wrong button and entire posts get eaten by the interwebzes.

Let's try this again, shall we, HellfireLover? You see, I used to be one of those debt collectors that are now calling you, and I have knowledge that will help.

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I’ll start by operating under the assumption that you are in the United States, as you don't seem to be writing in an accent.

Way back in 1977, a set of laws collectively called the Fair Debt Collections Practices Act, (commonly known as "the FDCPA" in the collection trade), was passed to stop debt collectors from destroying people's lives. (If you Google “FDCPA,” you should also bring it up as a PDF document that you can save to your computer, which I recommend you do so you can have it easily accessible.)

Subsection 805, “Communication in connection with debt collection,” (c), “CEASING COMMUNICATION,” is the part that will save you from the constant calls, and reduce your stress to only dreading the mail when it comes. This will require a little extra money and a trip to your local post office. What you want to do is send the various agencies calling you a carefully worded letter that puts a stop to the calls, but DOES NOT give them cause to take further legal action. Thus, your letters should explain that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are they to call you at home or work anymore, but you are willing to work with them via mail. Specify that they are also not to contact any other parties unless it’s your attorney, whom you will name at a later date if necessary. (Whether you can work with them or not is beside the point; it will stop the calls.) Send these letters by CERTIFIED MAIL WITH A RETURN RECEIPT. Once you receive those return receipts, SAVE THEM! This will be your proof in the future that they did, in fact, get those letters, and any calls you might receive later will be a violation of the law.

Lovely thing about the law…Mind you, my last job in debt collections ended in May of 2000, but I doubt things have changed in terms of the fines. You see, if they break the law, you can sue them PER VIOLATION! And the penalties? For the company, it’s up to $10,000 for each violation; for the debt collector, personally, it can be up to $1,000. (Imagine the fun you can have, turning the tables and making collection calls to the collection company for the money THEY OWE YOU! ) To get their address, feel free to lie. "Can I have your mailing address? I have certain documents I need to send, and might be able to squeeze out a check to go with it." It doesn't matter if you tell them you won the lottery, and that you want to send them certification of your winnings, and that you're awaiting that big payday so you can pay the the balance in full in the near future. Just be sure you get a mailing address where you can send certified mail!

So let’s say you send off those letters, and someone calls by mistake. That’s going to be pretty darn painful for their wallets.

Collector: Hello…Is Miss HellfireLover there?
You: Speaking.
Collector: This is So-n-so from Debts-R-Us. I’m calling about the –
You: Hang on, I want to record this call.
Collector: (This usually scares collectors so silly they hang up without a word…but then there are the brave and the dumb.)
You: Okay. I sent a letter explaining that you are no longer to call my home or work, and you are violating the FDCPA at this very moment. This is violation number one, and will likely cost you up to $11,000.
Collector: (Smart collectors hang up now, but let’s hope he/she is stupid.) Well, there’s nothing in your file about a letter –
You: And yet I have a receipt that says your company received the letter. Inaccurate documentation of my account is another violation, and you are now at a total of $22,000. Would you like to keep going?
Collector: (Again, they should really hang up now, but some people just don’t know better.) I’m sorry, but as long as I have you on the phone –
You: Still trying to collect this debt when I have made it clear in writing to not try by phone makes this number three, and a total of $33,000. You’re not only making this the kind of case lawyers love, but you’re also paying off my debt with each word out of your mouth. Please keep going.

By now, something in their head should click, and will probably run away from you. Document the call, either by getting a visual record of the caller ID, actually finding a way to record the call, or anything else you might be able to devise. Multiple violations from multiple agencies could well make yours a case that a lawyer would love to take on, as most lawyers will only want a third of what you win in court. Imagine just two collectors making a call like the one scripted above. Imagine a total of six violations…I dunno. Could you live with a mere $44,000 dollars once those debt collectors are forced to pay up for violating FEDERAL LAW? (That’s after your lawyer has taken out the $22,000 for his/her fees.)

Send those letters. Keep careful documentation of any contact collectors make with you, or anyone you know whom they might try to contact. These collectors and their very attitude could dig an extremely deep hole for whatever company is calling you, and not only pay off your debts for you, but make you slightly richer for their seemingly little mistakes. Be sure to contact an attorney that won’t charge for a consultation if you feel the need, and good luck.

[Dallas-Dakota]

So a conversation with a old classmate which went from OK to freakishly bad and being ignored by the man which I have called brother later. I'm feeling even more suicidal and honestly, I think one of the few things stopping me is the long note I'd have to write.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

So a conversation with a old classmate which went from OK to freakishly bad and being ignored by the man which I have called brother later. I'm feeling even more suicidal and honestly, I think one of the few things stopping me is the long note I'd have to write.

Doing anything as foolish as what you suggest would result in my follwing suit, just so I can slap you with a goat...then hope for someone to develop a REAL ressurection spell.

If that was a reference to me - the ignoring part - then you are VERY wrong. I am watching your blog, Little Buddy, as well as leaving comments for you there. There's little else I can give you in advice, as I have told you all I can in terms of fighting these emotions. You are young, and life should get better as the years go on. And if the only thing keeping you from making a monumental and terminal mistake is writing a note, then you need to drop everything and GET HELP!

DD, my LB...You should get it through your head that if there wasn't thousands of miles between us, I'd be hanging out with you. Gaming sessions, goofing around, or just venting to one another. For that last, unfortunately, there is little we can really do for one another, other than being an understanding ear. What you REALLY need to do is understand that there is only ONE person upon whom you can rely, and that that same person is with you all the time: yourself.

And contrary to your perseonal opinion, you have strengths. Stop looking at what structured education or society says you should be and BE YOURSELF! You are not a bunch of grades from a school. You are not a part-time job. You are not a university acceptance. You are DD, our hard-rockin', laughter lovin' Cookie Monster!

Oh...and while I don't log onto it as often as I should, when I do, I look for you on Skype. I get the feeling someone's father said something about our one and only chat, and stopped you from talking to me again. But if you think that *I'M* the one ignoring you, I will travel by sea with a boatload of exploding goats, find your curly-haired self, and start smashing you with them until you get it through your young, depressed head that I give a damn, and am watching over you, even if I'm not perpetually vocal about it. Got it?

Now you just cut it out with this suicide nonsense and let me get back to work on my intercontinental goat missile, which will save me from having to make the above trip. I'm having issues getting a cat to Tennessee; you think I wanna have to get exploding goats into another country?!?

[Theolotus]

I'm not alone. heh.

Bor, you r0x0r! this thread has gotten me through today. It's hobbling along, but I'm there.

To everyone that posted:
Thank you. It means alot to know I'm not the only one out there. this is more help than I know how to put into words.

Thank you.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I'm not alone. heh.

Bor, you r0x0r! this thread has gotten me through today. It's hobbling along, but I'm there.

To everyone that posted:
Thank you. It means alot to know I'm not the only one out there. this is more help than I know how to put into words.

Thank you.

Emphasis, mine. For someone who claims not to have the words, I think you did just fine.

Oh...and thanks for the compliment. Realize that my accepting a compliment without comment is rare, and I usually balk at such claims. But right now...I'll take anything and everything I can get.

[RabbitHoleLost]

So a conversation with a old classmate which went from OK to freakishly bad and being ignored by the man which I have called brother later. I'm feeling even more suicidal and honestly, I think one of the few things stopping me is the long note I'd have to write.

DD, while nothing I can say is as awesome as Bor, you know I love you, buddy.
And I have no idea if that means anything, I just thought I'd throw it out.
In public.
For everyone to see.

Rabbit loves DD. Hardcore.
<3

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

DD, while nothing I can say is as awesome as Bor, you know I love you, buddy.
And I have no idea if that means anything, I just thought I'd throw it out.
In public.
For everyone to see.

Rabbit loves DD. Hardcore.
<3

Oddly, I believe I said something similar without saying the actual words. Along with many others on these boards, I love you, DD. You're the little brother I'd rather have than the little brothers I actually have. I wonder if I can trade in various existing family members for other, better human beings, like you.

Now...About me. Although I did very little walking today, since I was recovering from activities yesterday, I started feeling new pains from my left foot. I discovered a small, red spot on the underside of my foot, which is likely a sign of my Charcot's foot. The thing is, I think I may need the help of a hospital.

Tomorrow, I was supposed to go for a fitting for diabetic shoes. Instead, if my foot looks no better when I wake, I'm heading for an emergency room. And I'm saying this here and now because not everyone follows my blog. Should I vanish without warning, it probably means I've been admitted to the hospital. If things are seriously afoot with my foot, I will try to come home first and say as much in a more difinitive manner, but then I may also not have any choice in the matter.

Let's all hope it's just my imagination at work, shall we?

[Cheesegear]

Now...About me. Although I did very little walking today, since I was recovering from activities yesterday, I started feeling new pains from my left foot. I discovered a small, red spot on the underside of my foot, which is likely a sign of my Charcot's foot.

I can't really comment on that. Since I've never experienced anything like Charcot's. All's I know is that Nerve damage is a terrible thing for anyone to go through. I wish there was something, anything I could say that could help...But I don't know anything to say (probably a good thing I quit Nursing then, eh?). My condolences go out to you, since I'm not one of those people who prays.

...Primarily because the person I would be praying to, let this happen in the first place, but, that's neither nor there.

Should I vanish without warning, it probably means I've been admitted to the hospital. If things are seriously afoot with my foot, I will try to come home first and say as much in a more definitive manner, but then I may also not have any choice in the matter.

One thing I've learned from this thread (if I've learned anything at all), is that if someone 'disappears without warning' it's never a good thing. I'll be waiting for your next post. Because I honestly hope that there will be another one. And in the near future too, rather than a week or so.

I just hope you have been standing on a circular object for a long time and have pressure-redness...Rather than...Terribleness.