Crack Pairings VIII - We Need A Half-Elf Template

[Asta Kask]

Or perhaps the Smurf-Cannon is her cannon, where she tests her plot-bunnies to see if they would fly?

There's a Swedish novel where the protagonist shoots turkeys at commercial airplanes who take off from the airfield near him.

[Kaytara]

Loving the VxSpock so far. :D However, I feel that they are almost too perfect for each other. I would figure that V's bouts of impatience and explosive outbursts would have a tendency to clash more with Spock's Vulcanness.

[Lix Lorn]

That's incredibly poetic. Have a virtual cookie. (Gives)

Is good point. I think the author was planning on that-not to mention the soul splice coming back to bite V in the butt.

[CoffeeIncluded]

They have a mirror above their bed? *snort* Why am I not surprised...

...Why are you not surprised that they have a mirror above their bed?

...Wait, why do they have a mirror above their bed?

[Zanaril]

...Why are you not surprised that they have a mirror above their bed?

...Wait, why do they have a mirror above their bed?

A kinky combination of voyeurism and narcissism.

[Asta Kask]

So they can shave without leaving bed?

[Zanaril]

So they can shave without leaving bed?

Do elves even need to shave? 0_o

[CoffeeIncluded]

A kinky combination of voyeurism and narcissism.

I suppose this is the part where it becomes very, very clear that despite my presence on this thread, I am a sexually inexperienced, naive teenager. (Can you PM the explanation, because I'm not sure I get it. )

So they can shave without leaving bed?

I don't think elves grow facial hair. (Which supports the low-testosterone theory.)

[Zanaril]

I suppose this is the part where it becomes very, very clear that despite my presence on this thread, I am a sexually inexperienced, naive teenager. (Can you PM the explanation, because I'm not sure I get it. )

They like watching themselves have sex. Simple as that.

At least I'm assuming that's why there's a mirror. You'd have to ask ShinyDelusion for a definite answer.

[CoffeeIncluded]

They like watching themselves have sex. Simple as that.

At least I'm assuming that's why there's a mirror. You'd have to ask ShinyDelusion for a definite answer.

Ah. That's what I thought.

I don't think I can do new crack pairings this week. Too busy.

[Asta Kask]

I don't think elves grow facial hair. (Which supports the low-testosterone theory.)

Who said anything about facial hair?

[Zanaril]

Who said anything about facial hair?

Or any body hair.

[Asta Kask]

I don't remember such stipulations. Human females seem to be able to grow them, despite having much lower testosterone levels than males. And given that testosterone controls the libido, elven females would almost have to have testosterone levels far exceeding that of the average Olympic athlete.

[Zanaril]

And given that testosterone controls the libido, elven females would almost have to have testosterone levels far exceeding that of the average Olympic athlete.

I don't think Aula's libido should be taken as the elven average.

[Asta Kask]

I don't think Aula's libido should be taken as the elven average.

So? It's Aula we're talking about, isn't it?

[Zanaril]

So? It's Aula we're talking about, isn't it?

Touché.

But you said elven females.

[Asta Kask]

Touché.

But you said elven females.

Well, there's her daughter, who is part of - what? - 40% of all crack pairings. I haven't seen V/ADB though. Perhaps Closak should write that.

[Zanaril]

I haven't seen V/ADB though. Perhaps Closak should write that.

We have had V/ABD but... V is never particually happy about the pairing.

[Taekwondodo]

Scene Three, no singing but it's a shorter one. (Also I couldn't find anywhere a song would fit!)

Spoiler

Show

(Scene Three. Curtain opens on R, Tsukiko and Xykon at stone table. Papers are scattered over it and Jirix is giving a report. R is frowning at the table. X is angry but only sign are the darting glances given to him by T and J and his halting delivery of the news.)

J: Groups of, um, hobgoblins have been, erm, searching the, eh, tunnels where the phylactery was, em, seen to fall. So far it has not, urm, been found which leaves the, er, sewage treatment plant, the, um, labyrinth and the, em, ocean.
R: That’s enough, Jirix. (R stands up) Organize teams of our most trusted soldiers and start by to search the treatment plant.

(J looks relieved. Grabs reports and hurries out of room)

X (dangerously soft): So. We still don’t have my phylactery, Redcloak.

(R keeps eyes down. T stands up slowly and backs away from table)

R: That’s what he just said.
X: This is because of your ‘sources of information.’
R: You can’t kill them. They’re the only ones who we have that can tell us anything about the locations of the next gates.
X (disdainful): Oh yeah. Like that’s what you want. We’ve had the damn paladin for months and we have nothing. And I’ve noticed the nights you’ve gone missing to the elf.

(R frowns, looks up at X)

R: What are you implying?
X: Implying nothing. I’m saying that you’re sleeping with the damn thing.

(R shakes his head, rubs temples, exasperated.)

R: Xykon, we’re doing all we can to find the phylactery. Try to be patient just a lit—
X: I’M DONE BEING PATIENT!

(R is blown back along with the table, which lands on top of him)

X: IT’S BECAUSE OF YOUR FRICKING PRISONERS! (looses another spell, hitting R. Blood streams down R’s face and he whimpers) Oh, you want me to stop? (leans down and grabs R’s head) Let me tell you, Reddy—we’ve barely gotten started.

(T runs out of room while X distracted. Curtain closes. Sounds of a beating continue.)

(Curtain opens. Room is dark. R lying where he fell, still under table, unconscious. He is obviously grievously hurt. Starts to wake up and groans. Pushes table off. Starts trying to assess damage but finds a post-it note)

R: ‘If you do anything but the healing you need to live through tomorrow, I’ll make sure you don’t even see tomorrow.’ (Groans again. Drops note and puts hands on stomach) Cure Minor Wounds.

(R screams)

R (panting): I know...it hurts, just...the...healing, have to...keep...going... Cure Minor Wounds!

(More screaming, writhing in pain)

R: Cure Minor Wounds!

(Screams again they lies still for a moment. Slowly and painfully turns over and crawls to the door. Curtain closes)

(Curtain opens. R walks into V’s room carrying a mug. V sits up on the bed. R, trying not to limp, walks to bed and holds out mug)

R: Milk with honey and cinnamon, it’s supposed to help with sleep. And it’s good for elves. Don’t worry—I didn’t drug it.

(V nods and takes mug)

V: …Thank you.

(R settles on foot of bed with a slight sigh, watching V drink)

R: You haven’t been trancing.
V: You weren’t here yesterday or the day before.

(R shrugs)

V: You’re hurt.
R: What gave you that idea?

(V looks angry and crosses arms)

V: Treat me as a prisoner if you wish, but do not insult my intelligence. You were limping when you came in, areas of your body are bulging slightly under your clothes—probably bandages—and you have a contusion along with a deep abrasion on the back of your head, among other things. It did not take much deduction.

(R looks away but is smiling)

R: What can I say? You know, if I were in your shoes, I’d watch what I was saying a little more closely. Trance. Your healing’s probably been set back a few days.
V: When are you going to treat me as you have obviously treated the paladin?

(R pauses)

R: When you’re healthy.
V: That seems like a poor incentive to help myself.
R: But you’ll do it anyway. (shrugs) Xykon won’t be patient. He’ll eventually get tired of taking his frustration out on me and move on to you and our other prisoner. At least this way, you might survive.
V: So you are looking out for my welfare?
R: Sure, if you want to look at it that way. I need to keep you alive. Drink more of the milk. It helps with nightmares.

(V stiffens, alarmed)

V: I…! How did you know about those?!
R: You somehow felt that having your fingers removed would be better than trancing and you refuse to trance unless someone is with you. It did not take much deduction.
V: I…
R: Don’t worry about it. We’ve all messed up badly at some point or another or gone through something that made nightmares. Just finish the drink.
V: Very well.

(V puts down mug and trances. R falls asleep soon after. Curtain closes. End of Scene Three)

[ShinyDelusion]

I also enjoyed Shiny's and Tira-chan's latest work. Oh, and as I forgot to mention it last time: Yes, I am a Discworld fan, however, I've only read a few of the novels so far, it's a large series to get through.

Thanks. Have fun with the rest of the Discworld series; it may be long, but it's totally worth the time.

They have a mirror above their bed? *snort* Why am I not surprised...

I love it; Tiberius is adorably childish.

I'd hoped someone would appreciate that detail.

Thanks!

Nice update, Taekwondo. Would've been nice to have a song, but I can't see where one would fit either, so I guess there wasn't much to be done about that. Can't wait for the next update!

[Lix Lorn]

Loved it, as always! <3

[licoot]

Scene Three, no singing but it's a shorter one. (Also I couldn't find anywhere a song would fit!)

Spoiler

Show

(Scene Three. Curtain opens on R, Tsukiko and Xykon at stone table. Papers are scattered over it and Jirix is giving a report. R is frowning at the table. X is angry but only sign are the darting glances given to him by T and J and his halting delivery of the news.)

J: Groups of, um, hobgoblins have been, erm, searching the, eh, tunnels where the phylactery was, em, seen to fall. So far it has not, urm, been found which leaves the, er, sewage treatment plant, the, um, labyrinth and the, em, ocean.
R: That’s enough, Jirix. (R stands up) Organize teams of our most trusted soldiers and start by to search the treatment plant.

(J looks relieved. Grabs reports and hurries out of room)

X (dangerously soft): So. We still don’t have my phylactery, Redcloak.

(R keeps eyes down. T stands up slowly and backs away from table)

R: That’s what he just said.
X: This is because of your ‘sources of information.’
R: You can’t kill them. They’re the only ones who we have that can tell us anything about the locations of the next gates.
X (disdainful): Oh yeah. Like that’s what you want. We’ve had the damn paladin for months and we have nothing. And I’ve noticed the nights you’ve gone missing to the elf.

(R frowns, looks up at X)

R: What are you implying?
X: Implying nothing. I’m saying that you’re sleeping with the damn thing.

(R shakes his head, rubs temples, exasperated.)

R: Xykon, we’re doing all we can to find the phylactery. Try to be patient just a lit—
X: I’M DONE BEING PATIENT!

(R is blown back along with the table, which lands on top of him)

X: IT’S BECAUSE OF YOUR FRICKING PRISONERS! (looses another spell, hitting R. Blood streams down R’s face and he whimpers) Oh, you want me to stop? (leans down and grabs R’s head) Let me tell you, Reddy—we’ve barely gotten started.

(T runs out of room while X distracted. Curtain closes. Sounds of a beating continue.)

(Curtain opens. Room is dark. R lying where he fell, still under table, unconscious. He is obviously grievously hurt. Starts to wake up and groans. Pushes table off. Starts trying to assess damage but finds a post-it note)

R: ‘If you do anything but the healing you need to live through tomorrow, I’ll make sure you don’t even see tomorrow.’ (Groans again. Drops note and puts hands on stomach) Cure Minor Wounds.

(R screams)

R (panting): I know...it hurts, just...the...healing, have to...keep...going... Cure Minor Wounds!

(More screaming, writhing in pain)

R: Cure Minor Wounds!

(Screams again they lies still for a moment. Slowly and painfully turns over and crawls to the door. Curtain closes)

(Curtain opens. R walks into V’s room carrying a mug. V sits up on the bed. R, trying not to limp, walks to bed and holds out mug)

R: Milk with honey and cinnamon, it’s supposed to help with sleep. And it’s good for elves. Don’t worry—I didn’t drug it.

(V nods and takes mug)

V: …Thank you.

(R settles on foot of bed with a slight sigh, watching V drink)

R: You haven’t been trancing.
V: You weren’t here yesterday or the day before.

(R shrugs)

V: You’re hurt.
R: What gave you that idea?

(V looks angry and crosses arms)

V: Treat me as a prisoner if you wish, but do not insult my intelligence. You were limping when you came in, areas of your body are bulging slightly under your clothes—probably bandages—and you have a contusion along with a deep abrasion on the back of your head, among other things. It did not take much deduction.

(R looks away but is smiling)

R: What can I say? You know, if I were in your shoes, I’d watch what I was saying a little more closely. Trance. Your healing’s probably been set back a few days.
V: When are you going to treat me as you have obviously treated the paladin?

(R pauses)

R: When you’re healthy.
V: That seems like a poor incentive to help myself.
R: But you’ll do it anyway. (shrugs) Xykon won’t be patient. He’ll eventually get tired of taking his frustration out on me and move on to you and our other prisoner. At least this way, you might survive.
V: So you are looking out for my welfare?
R: Sure, if you want to look at it that way. I need to keep you alive. Drink more of the milk. It helps with nightmares.

(V stiffens, alarmed)

V: I…! How did you know about those?!
R: You somehow felt that having your fingers removed would be better than trancing and you refuse to trance unless someone is with you. It did not take much deduction.
V: I…
R: Don’t worry about it. We’ve all messed up badly at some point or another or gone through something that made nightmares. Just finish the drink.
V: Very well.

(V puts down mug and trances. R falls asleep soon after. Curtain closes. End of Scene Three)

awesome story

[Water-Smurf]

Sorry for the radio silence, guys--I got a new laptop for my birthday, then my dog got sick, and now I need to set this baby up with all the programs I had before. I'll reply to everything soon--I'm just figuring out my settings and such and making sure my puppy is okay. (Oh, and I'm also trying to get used to the new keyboard. These arrow keys are tiny...)

[CoffeeIncluded]

Sorry for the radio silence, guys--I got a new laptop for my birthday, then my dog got sick, and now I need to set this baby up with all the programs I had before. I'll reply to everything soon--I'm just figuring out my settings and such and making sure my puppy is okay. (Oh, and I'm also trying to get used to the new keyboard. These arrow keys are tiny...)

Enjoy your new laptop, and hope your dog gets better!

Really nice adaptation, Taekwondo.

[Lix Lorn]

Good luck, W-Smurf! (hugs you and the puppy)

[Draconi Redfir]

We could always have a song at the point were Xylon is beating up Reddy. Perhaps something along the lines of:

"I hate everything about you" (thee days grace)

"This animal I have become" (three days grace)

"Indestructible" (disturbed)

"One step closer (to the edge)" (Linken park)

"Shut up" (linken park)

"Head strong" (trapt)


I mostly imagine Xylon singing parody-versions of these songs while beating up red quite violently. I’d provide links, but I’m not quite sure if I’m allowed.

[Sereg]

Another excellent scene, Taekwondodo.

@Water-Smurf: I also hope that the puppy is ok. It's nice that you got a laptop though.

[Asta Kask]

Sorry for the radio silence, guys--I got a new laptop for my birthday, then my dog got sick, and now I need to set this baby up with all the programs I had before. I'll reply to everything soon--I'm just figuring out my settings and such and making sure my puppy is okay. (Oh, and I'm also trying to get used to the new keyboard. These arrow keys are tiny...)

*hugs for you and the puppy*

Hope it will turn out ok. *frets*

Liked the adaptation Taekwondodo. Living with Xykon sure is... interesting.

[Tira-chan]

So, it turns out I'm a blatant liar. After thinking about it, I've decided to through in a little mini-chapter about the crew of the Enterprise. It was surprisingly hard to write, since I wanted the characterization to be distinct from the series - after all, these people are a lot younger, and most of them still have some growing up to do. That being said, though, it'll probably all just sound terribly out of character.

Spoiler

Show

Captain's Log, Stardate 2259.15
It's been a couple of days since the accident with the transporter, and there's no word from Spock. Mr. Scott says the transporter will be fully optional soon, but as Spock is completely off our sensors, we have no way of picking him up. To some extent, I feel guilty for what happened to him. Had I insisted more firmly on accompanying him, we would probably have been stranded together.

"See, what I don't understand, Jim, is why you seem to have promoted me to First Officer. Don't you have anyone else you can go to for advice? I've got real patients to take care off."
"Guess you're just the best, then. It's just, I don't know what to do. If something really has happened to him -"
Crackle. "Captain, we're receiving a signal from Mr. Spock's communicator. It's not very clear, but we might be able to locate him."
"That's great, Uhura? Can you get through to him or something?"
"Nope, it's just static." There was a slightly icy pause. "And it's Lieutenant Uhura, if you please." Another pause. "Captain."
"Well, it's better than nothing, Lieutenant. See if you can strengthen the signal any."
"I was doing that already, actually," she snapped back, and closed the connection. Kirk sighed.
"Cheer up, Jim. Looks like the situation's halfway resolved already. Once the transporters are back online, we'll have everything resolved in a jiffy, and it'll put Uhura in a better mood, too."
"I suppose... But I'm not even sure what all this damn barrier does. It completely screwed up the transporters the first time, what if it does it again?" He sighed again. "Spock's supposed to be the one who knows these kinds of things."

I'll continue the main story in a little bit, but I'm kinda occupied with school-type stuffs at the moment.

In other news, I really hate to be a bother, but if anyone had any art-type stuff or something... I'd really love to see something like that. But please, if you don't want to, then don't worry about it!

[Asta Kask]

Liked it, though it's a bit short to say much about characterization.

Art stuff? You may have to be more specific.