Things I'm Not Allowed To Do While Gaming

[sparkey477]

because of one really immature guy in our group, the following rules have been instated:

5436; You may not have ranks in perform (ass flute)

5437; If you do get ranks in perform (ass flute) by means of a wish spell, you may not Inspire Nausea

for a 3.0 game:

5438; I don't care if you character is heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrosexual, asexual, transexual, metrosexual, or whatever, they still can't have ranks in ride (ass)

[puppyavenger]

5439 I may not dominate the other members of the party
5440 nor may I dominate them
5441 I may not bluff the kobolds into thinking that I'm a god
5442 with cantripps
5443 as a 1st level sorcerer
5444 nor goblins
5445 nor anything of the humanoid type
5446 I may not use the bluff skill to make myself imortal

[Arbitrarity]

because of one really immature guy in our group, the following rules have been instated:

5436; You may not have ranks in perform (ass flute)

5437; If you do get ranks in perform (ass flute) by means of a wish spell, you may not Inspire Nausea

for a 3.0 game:

5438; I don't care if you character is heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrosexual, asexual, transexual, metrosexual, or whatever, they still can't have ranks in ride (ass)

Of course, these rules don't affect the rest of your group, right?

Right?

[Balkash]

5447: i am not allowed to release ANYTHING onto the bodies of dead enemies, no matter how much i hate them
5448: i am not allowed to use urine as a splash weapon anymore

[Iudex Fatarum]

5449. No character is allowed to be baby blue
5450. No character I play is alowed to be a smurf or simulate a smurf for all purposes and intents (gnomish bard with blue skin and white hair and very high voice male)

[Hadrian_Emrys]

5451: Calling dibs on the role of party leader, then deliberately rolling a negative score on Wis and Cha stopped being funny before the first time.

5452: Why yes, actually, power attack for full IS an appropriate response to that character.

[Alyorbase]

5453: An Intelligence check (d20+int modifier) is not a Knowledge (wtf) check.

5453a: Niether is a Bardic Knowledge check

5454b: You may not put ranks into Knowledge (wtf)

5454c: Knowledge (wtf) DOES NOT EXIST

[Jibar]

5455: "I shoot laser beams out my ass" is not what you say when you use intimidate.
5455b: Neither can you use it with a bluff check.
5456: No, you cannot put a tune to said phrase and use it as your bard song when playing a curse song.
5457: You cannot shoot laser beams out of your ass.
5457b: Especially not in a medieval setting where laser beams do not exist.

[Ivellios]

5458: Phantasmal Killer does not make my opponent see Master Chief, Chuck Norris, or Jakie Chan.

[kits.dm]

something that came up from last night.

5459: I am now no longer allowed to let the Paladin negotiate.

[puppyavenger]

5460 I am limited to destroying the multiverse through loopholes once per session

[Aiylithe]

5461. The rogue is not allowed to hit on the lizardmen anymore
5462. Especially not when the DM is her boyfriend
5463. The DM is no longer allowed to wear his "Reaper" shirt when we play
5464. We can't name the giant spider after the sound effect one of the players made when it cut the monk in half (KVOMP!)
5465. No warforged anythings in an aquatic environment
5466. The CG VoP monk with the Golden Ice Ravage can never, ever, give the LE rogue a pat on the back, no matter how she just saved his sorry butt
5467. In fact, they aren't allowed near each other
5468. The rogue has permission to steal back the monk's share of the loot, though
5469. Duel-Wielding Rods of Wonder is not the name of a porn flick
5470. No using a rod of wonder out of battle
5471. Or as a trap that can't be disarmed
5472. Or spacing said traps every five feet on both sides of a narrow corridor
5473. And then having that corridor lead to a dead end and having to pass through it again
5473b. No playing D&D at 3:00 am when the DM is on a sugar rush
5474. No taking the dead children's bones as trophies
5475. In fact, the rogue has found far too many things sexy to be allowed near the dead children at all
5476. The rogue is also not allowed to put any more bones on her armour
5477. When the party's rogue also functions as the tank, there is a problem
5478. No more convincing the fighter to walk "Just a little closer" to the pond to check for alligators
5479. The druid is not allowed to hate trees, no matter how badly they're drawn
5480. The sorcerer cannot keep his tiny viper familiar in his pants
5481. Nor can he bluff the rest of the party into believing that the resultant bulge isn't really his familiar
5482. Nor can he name it "Nibbles the Trouser Snake"
5483. The gnome's name should not be a paragraph long
5484. When gnomes can't see over the tall grass, they should be kept on a leash
5485. The evil rogue cannot speak for the party, no matter how intelligent she may be
5486. Nor can the gnome bard, no matter what his charisma, as long as he continues to insist that his alignment is "chaotic silly"
5487. Dexterity is worth more than Charisma in bed
5488. I am never allowed to seduce a displacer beast, no matter how kinky that would be. Same goes for dragons, liches, and everything else that has reproductive organs of any variety
5489. The BoVD should not be used as a guide for lovers
5490. Especially when when it's out of character

I love my rogue.

[KazilDarkeye]

(the numbers have been off for a while)

570. ...neither is anything Bart Simpson has used for a prank phone call.

I know this is from a while back but Hah Hah! (although it would prohibit people called John:

Bart: Hi, is there a John there?
Homer: I am sorry, but there is no John here.
Bart: Then how do you go to the bathroom?

[Iudex Fatarum]

5491. Not allowed to start a war between two nations purley to profit off arms dealing. especialy with a LG character.

[KazilDarkeye]

Forgot some:

5492. When in an army ordering an NPC to kill someone, I will make sure they are MY subordinate.
5493. I will also not do this BEFORE we interrogate him.
5494. When interrogating someone, casting Zone of Truth is generally advisable IF the prisoner is in the zone (no pun intended)
5495. When interrogating the prisoner is is generally inadvisable to give him helium.
5496. When interrogating said prisoner, you do not have ranks in Good Cop(Bad Cop). And you must not try to make a check without a friend.
5497. When killing said prisoner, I will not shout "Finish Him!"
5497b. I will not claim said death is a "fatality"
5498. Urinating in the town well...bad idea
5499. Urinating on the town guard...also bad idea.
5500. Syringes are not supposed to used down there. Ever. Period.

[XtheYeti]

6001:I dont care if mages will pay more for dragons as individual parts then they will as a whole corpse, you may not spend a week disecting the corpse when the fate of the multiverse hangs in the balance!!!

6002:If the fate of the the multiverse does not hang in the balance and therefore you do disect the dragon, if one more plan involves the dragons balls then rocks fall everybody dies.

6003:the crack squad of mystic thuge enforcers may not have tactics that consist of "disintegrate first, speak with dead after" especialy if they are only dispatched to capture prisoners with stealth, and not cause casualties!!!

[wadledo]

6004: Jimmy Buffett is not a Prestige class, even if you are a level 20 bard.
6005: Just because the setting is ambiguous does not mean if you start using big words the other players wont cast silence permanently.
6006: A fish is not a paladin weapon even if it is +4.
6007: Monks will never be NPC's.
6008: The all Monk and Bard group will die from total out of game intelligence being less than their in game armor.

[internerdj]

6009: Altars to dark gods are not urinals.
6010: You really don't enough ranks in bluff to prove that you are the avatar of said dark god and you are free to use your alter as a urinal.

[sparkey477]

611: I don't care if the paladin was polymorphed into a shrimp, removing the black vein won't also remove the stick! That must be done seperatly.

[TheAlmightyOne]

6012: Atempting to remove the tablecloth from the alter really quickly so as not to displace the items on top is a bad idea if the wizard/paladin just told you it was radiating horrible amounts of magic/evil
6013: After the altercloth has electrocuted you with concealed magic the cleric is entitled to anything you find in the dungeon because you were that stupid and he still decided to heal you.

[RHJunior]

You've read that thread too? The guy's hilarious. But if he was my player, I'd probably try to kill him. More than usual, at least.

which thread is that? linky please?

[BRC]

6013:I cannot sugjest the Ginger Beer trick as an interrogation method (actually came up in one session.)
6014: When the party enters a room inhabited by enemies, I am not allowed to shout "TAKE DRAMATIC POSES" (Also occured).
6015: If rule 6014 is broken, the players should not take a dramatic pose appropriate to their character.(Also occured)

[Blackdrop]

6016. I may not use Death Urge on any of my party members.
6016a. It also may not be used to get out of paying for drinks.
6017. I may not use Mindwipe on any of my party member

[Winged One]

6018: Death Urge may not be used on a samurai of any kind. I mean come on, that's way too easy.
6019: Even if my Saga edition character has all 3 talents in the Master Slicer tree, the Skill Focus feat in Use Computer, and is being trained by the Emperor in the ways of the Force, his name is not Darth Haxxor.
6020: The name of said character's party member whose first Pilot check of note was a natural 1 is not Darth Crashtheship.
6021: Due to the DM's houserule about lightsabers removing limbs on a natural 1 from a nonproficient wielder, my character is not allowed to use his lightsaber outside of training.
6022: I will not sing the first lines of the (clean)Star Wars Rap every time that the DM's houserule that gives Force Lighting a power boost comes up.
6023: my character should also not piss off the guy who is the most skilled combatant of the entire party, especially since he's the least skilled(at least with a lightsaber).

[Hadrian_Emrys]

6024: A full round action to catch and release your Blade Guide from a bottle does not result in a Heal spell.

6025: If you call your Guide by that name again I'll make you put on a headset with "Hey! Listen!" set to loop for the rest of the game I swear.

[Arbitrarity]

6026: No, there are no bombs in this world. At all.
6027: If 6026 is breached, then no. You can't throw them.

[Nu]

Forgot some:

5492. When in an army ordering an NPC to kill someone, I will make sure they are MY subordinate.
5493. I will also not do this BEFORE we interrogate him.
5494. When interrogating someone, casting Zone of Truth is generally advisable IF the prisoner is in the zone (no pun intended)
5495. When interrogating the prisoner is is generally inadvisable to give him helium.
5496. When interrogating said prisoner, you do not have ranks in Good Cop(Bad Cop). And you must not try to make a check without a friend.
5497. When killing said prisoner, I will not shout "Finish Him!"
5498. Urinating in the town well...bad idea
5499. Urinating on the town guard...also bad idea.
6000. Syringes are not supposed to used down there. Ever. Period.

How did we go from 5499 to 6000?

5628: Even if the LG wizard baleful polymorphed you into a toad and teleported away, leaving you with your CE wizard ally who banned Abjuration and thus cannot dispel you, and she asks you to dance, you may NOT make a perform check to imitate the Warner Brothers' mascot.
5628b. Even if an appropriately-sized hat and cane are availible.

Semi-related to a recent escapade.

[lumberofdabeast]

5397 the correct response to "sticks and stone can break my bones but words can never hurt me," is no Power word pain

5397b: Nor is it explosive runes.

[Leicontis]

5477. When the party's rogue also functions as the tank, there is a problem

My rogue did that for a while. The other party members were a druid (didn't have wild shape yet), a cleric (played as straight healer/support), and a kobold sorcerer, and I had high physical stats (st14,dx16,cn15) and more weapons than the rest of the party combined, including a +2 dagger (3rd-level party). This is why, until the hp-doubling houserule was concieved, my DM halved sneak attack damage when flanking...

5560. Do not speculate on how to produce a half-gnome.
5561. No, you cannot have a dwarf and a gnome have kids.

One of the PC's in the game I'm in right now is actually a half-gnome-half-dwarf. Mongrelfolk tend to be very interested in her background...

A few rules as DM:
5629: Just because the PCs aren't supposed to engage that hobgoblin raiding party doesn't mean they won't. (2nd-level PCs against a party w/ a lvl 4 hobgoblin fighter for a leader)
5629b: And win.
5630: Never assume that the PCs will do what you expect. They won't. Ever. No, not even then.
5631: I will never again assume that the rider has a higher CR than their mount. (ten CR 1/3 goblins riding ten CR 2 worgs against a 1st level party, anyone? The party actually won...)

[Unscrewed]

5632: Gatling gun duels: No. Just no.
5633: May not use chemistry to prove that "When in doubt, set it on fire" is a useful motto.
5634: May not found the "Physics Police" and go around arresting wizards.
5635: May not sing nursery rhymes in combat.
5636: Must let the DM know the Cleric can raise dead before he runs a murder mystery.