Relationship Woes and Advice

[Flakey]

I know that I should just drop it and realise that there will never be anything between us but that is hard. I really thought i meant something too her, even if it was just something little. But it seems that i meant nothing and that is the hardest thing of all, and the most difficult thing to handle. Especially since I could say without a doubt that i really really love her. *sigh*

Missed oppertunities, and "what if I only did x" will lie heavily on people for most of thier lives, and I still not sure how to deal with mine. They tend to strike when I am low.

Trouble with this girl, is that she sounds like she had a really bad time, and moved away again, and seems to have just dropped her past life away, to avoid the bad memories. If thats her wish theres little you can do about it

[Serpentine]

Knowing my luck shes on a different continent or something…

Oh.. And another problem for (stupid old) me… I’ve run across another girl… and for some reason like her as well… I’m also more openly flirty with her… and her back a little… but in a different way to the other one… I just don’t know what to do…

Finding out where the first girl lives would be a good start. If she is, indeed, on another continent, then personally I think it's pretty unlikely to go anywhere, at least before one or both of you can relocate, so you probably shouldn't go in with any expectations of that. That's not to say you absolutely can not tell her - you could keep it light, as opposed to, say, an expression of your undying devotion; it'd still be an awesome boost to her ego; and I don't think it should have any effect on what relationship you do have (I know I've never had any issues with people expressing their likings But on the other hand, I may be weirder than even I admit...). Admitting you like someone to them is not an automatic ask-out, nor a default expression of, as I said, undying devotion. It could be, say, an "I think you're pretty alright, and if we met in real life I reckon we'd hit it off".
As for the other girl, well, if she's more... readily available, for lack of a better term, don't hold back for one that's unlikely to ever go anywhere. And you don't have to give up one completely for the other - there is such a thing as friendship, which can change in tone and intensity over time, as so many males seem to forget

Swedish Chef, if you're resigned to that being a goodbye note, you might like to send her a little one of your own, but letting her know that if she ever needs to talk, no matter how far in the future, you'll be happy to hear from her. I sort of know the feeling, there. It's not very pleasant

[Swedish chef]

Swedish Chef, if you're resigned to that being a goodbye note, you might like to send her a little one of your own, but letting her know that if she ever needs to talk, no matter how far in the future, you'll be happy to hear from her. I sort of know the feeling, there. It's not very pleasant

Thanks. That is very good advice. Problem is that right now I'm a total mess so if I should start writing a good bye leter I would probably end up spilling my guts and confessing everything from how much I love her to my current state of guilty/sad/messed up, and the last thing I want to do is to make her feel guilty or that she should feel obligated to have contact with me. Perhaps I can wait a while and see if I can think of her with my mind calm and sound but i doubt it. The only thing I can hope for is that she realises that I really want to have contact with her from my last answer and gets in touch if she needs me.

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[Serpentine]

I have a bit of advice for all you guys (mostly) out there. Give up on the whole "friend bin" thing. If I found out that one of my friends was saying that the only reason I won't snog him is because he is irrevocably in the "friend bin" or equivalent, my response would be outrage: How dare you reduce my entire psyche to such an over-simplification, how dare you presume to know my most intimate emotional workings beyond what I've already expressed to you, and how DARE you shunt all your insecurities and flaws onto me?! I find it downright offensive. Among the innumerable implications are that: a female's emotions and opinions are immobile and constant, her mind is unchangable, and she is in no way effected by outside stimuli; frienships are absolutely inferior to physical relationships; a guy is only hanging out with a girl because he wants to get with her; and that the only real factors in a girl's choice of significant other is whether they're classified as "datable" or "friend". Your female friend may be a) Not interested, b) Secretly interested, c) Just hasn't looked at you in that way yet, or d) Is more interested in someone else. None of these are unchangable! Simply letting them know that you might be interested in them in a way other than friendship could be enough to shift it, or there's also the whole, you know, working on your current relationship with them thing. There is also, of course, the possibility that you're simply not the sort of person she's interested in. You might be able to try to alter yourself to fit better what she does like, but this is probably a good idea only if this change would be for the better. Otherwise, give up and/or hope her taste changes. In any case, is friendship really so terrible that you can't just enjoy it without lamenting over the lack of "something more"? If so, back away. You'll only end up blaming the girl, ruining what you have, and quite possibly making her miserable.

On a sometimes related note: "Girls like bad boys/Good guys finish last". I would suggest that the issue here is not one of good/bad, but confidence. Confidence is sexy. That's not to say that shyness is never attractive, but it's less attention-grabbing than self-confidence, and rarely sexy. Unfortunately, there is a very fine line between "self-confident dude" and "arrogant bastard", which a depressingly large number of both males and females fail to distinguish. It is (probably) not the bad things bad guys do that they like, but the confidence they have to do/while they're doing it. Being a little assertive occasionally is not a bad thing. (alternatively, it could be a self-esteem issue, in which case I think you'd be doing her a favour by letting her know that it's not just jerks who are interested in her)
Obviously, improving one's self-esteem (and/or -confidence) is a long, arduous journey of self-discovery and -improvement. If you want a short-term quick-fix shortcut, though, I recommend getting yourself a snappy outfit: if you can strut in it, that's a good start. You don't have to be a hunkahunka bag of sexy - simply looking better than usual can be a huge boost to your (sorry, again, I know) confidence. I know I feel much better when I (think I) look good. Obviously this is probably going to be an occasional thing, but I think it's pretty safe to say that most girls like it when guys dress up, more than I think you know. Simply looking different can have a girl looking at you differently - remember this next time you go on a friendly outing.

Alright, so it turned out to be a lot of advice... I think that's all I can think of for now. I may come back and fix bits or add to it when I'm feeling more articulate.

[Skippy]

Oh yeah... I was going to post here and I totally forgot...

So, there's this girl I like... I've written about her at the old Depression Thread... Well, I'm moving on Tuesday and I was speaking to her a while ago...

Well, I told her some time ago she doesn't interest me anymore, but the truth is that I'd give anything in the world just to be with her...

Anyway, I'm drifting away from what brought me here. As I said, she hasn't listened to me for a long time and so I told her I'm not interested in her anymore. When I was talking to her a while ago, she told me things as "Well, I guess I was bound to have a boring semester... Now I have no one to hang out with..."

Well, that isn't really strange, or I hope it isn't too strange... Anyway, I was going to see her tomorrow, because there are a few things that I'd like to give her as a good bye present and she has to return me some things I lent her. Then I told her I wouldn't go alone to see her, and I'm only going as a quick visit, since I guessed she had some other things to do... That seemed to bother her, as if she wanted to see me alone and for a longer time... Maybe I'm being a little paranoid, but a little part of me wants to believe she feels something else about me... It wouldn't be of much use now, but I'd be really happy if she did...

Anyway, It's not like I need advise, I just felt like this was the right place to tell it... Anyway, any comment you want to make will be ok...

[Koga]

The Koga's God! He let three girls talk hoping they'd maul eachother.

Jessica: Likes The Koga but The Koga doesn't like her. Though would bone her sister in a minute and she's just jealous so she tries to act like she's protecting her niave little sister. What a bullcrap lie.

Amaya: Likes The Koga, but also hates The Koga cause she's a complicated basketcase.

Amanda: The Koga likes her, she likes him, but is afraid to get into a relationship bwah!


Anyway, so they talk, The Koga put Amanda in there hoping she'd defend The Koga because The Koga and Amanda became friends do to a failed date with another girl.. thus she's seen The Koga as a victim before.

Amaya: I hate Koga right now! He's such a narscistic jerk! He only thinks of himself!

Jessica: And he's insensitive! He doesn't care about anybody's feelings but his own!

Amanada: I can see that.


Bwah! The Koga could probably make one of those teen movies like John Tucker Must Die but with Kill Bill cheesy kungfu action. XD

[averagejoe]

Amaya: I hate Koga right now! He's such a narscistic jerk! He only thinks of himself!

Jessica: And he's insensitive! He doesn't care about anybody's feelings but his own!

Amanada: I can see that.

Er... based on this post alone I can't say that any of them was entirely wrong. Your escapades the opposite of impress me.

[SDF]

I'm dating someone and have had more than one guy admit to liking me since that time

Well you must be a catch, you have them lining up. ^_^

I am concerned about my friend. He is what you might call... the most short sighted person to ever live. Okay, I might be exagerating a bit, but my friends and I joke that he has a cabbage will. He has been rebounding from girlfriend to girlfriend since the 8th grade. I didn't meet him until two years later, but we've grown to be pretty good friends. He is a skilled guitarist, more so than myself, and for as long as I've known him he's wanted to make a living as a musician. He was a music comp major, but dropped out of college, and instead of withdrawing he just stopped going effectively screwing himself grade wise if he ever wanted to go back. (short sighted) He's had a string of internet girlfriends who in short time he, "fell in love with" dropped everything and visited them. He would grow bored, because he is like that, and dump them. (two of them happened to have serious drug problems v_v) Well flash forward to a few weeks ago when he meets another one, but this time she has a kid. He travels halfway across the country to visit her, and stays with her for a while. Then he comes home and she visits him. (they each live with their parents) Then he goes back helps her and her family move from Illinois to Mississippi. His plans are now to work there for a while to save up enough money to come back home, and pawn most of his music equipment so he can have enough money to go BACK TO HER.

My concerns are that he is giving up his dreams for a girl he hasn't known that long, and I don't know what kind of life he is expecting to have without any education or aspirations. I also know how flighty he is and now that this time there is a kid involved I hope he doesn't decide to just leave her and the child one day. I love the boy, I do, but I have no idea how to approach him about this. If I should even approach him. They are both adults, not very mature to be sure, but still adults.

[Pyrian]

Koga, from the things you've said here, encouraging girls to compare notes on you is probably a very, very bad idea.

Give up on the whole "friend bin" thing. If I found out that one of my friends was saying that the only reason I won't snog him is because he is irrevocably in the "friend bin" or equivalent, my response would be outrage: How dare you reduce my entire psyche to such an over-simplification, how dare you presume to know my most intimate emotional workings beyond what I've already expressed to you, and how DARE you shunt all your insecurities and flaws onto me?!

QFT.

On a sometimes related note: "Girls like bad boys/Good guys finish last". I would suggest that the issue here is not one of good/bad, but confidence.

I've come to think over the years that social anxiety makes people nicer. I.e., lots of nice people are nice precisely <i>because</i> they lack confidence and therefore put more effort into being empathic and inoffensive.

That's not to say that shyness is never attractive, but it's less attention-grabbing than self-confidence, and rarely sexy.

I find shy girls hella sexy.

[Serpentine]

Well... I didn't mean to say that shyness wasn't ever sexy, just that it's not as easily sexy... It's kinda hard to explain. I don't think of shyness and confidence as being quite mutually exclusive, but again, hard to explain. I guess... you can be confident in yourself while still being slightly socially awkward? I dunno.

[ForzaFiori]

not really looking for sympathy, although advice is always welcome, more like just wanting to rant.

ok, i hate how girls can change their minds every 30 nanoseconds. i talked to a friend of mine a week ago, when she had a bf. at that time, she told me she liked me, and had liked me for a while, and that if she ever dumped her bf, she would probably go out with me if i asked her to. i was stoked, i've had a crush on her since 8th grade (going into 10th next year). so like 2 days ago she dumped her bf, and when she told me (it was this afternoon, and she was compleatly over it, and happy they were broken up), i asked if she still liked me and still would go out with me. turns out in the course of a week i've gone from top guy she likes to just a friend. i haven't even SEEN her in that week. She wasn't even in the state! i just dont get how a week can get her to change like that.

[PhoeKun]

It's got nothing to do with her feelings for you changing; it's that she is either

a) less over the breakup than she's letting on (ie, not ready for another relationship), or

b) not in the position she thought she would be in when she gave you that hypothetical situation. It's easy to say things like that (and mean them) when it seems like a far off possibility. But then, when the time comes, you realize you could never have followed through in the first place.

Don't take it personally, and give it some time. She might come around. And if not, this really isn't worth ruining a friendship over.

[Vampiric]

a) less over the breakup than she's letting on (ie, not ready for another relationship), or

b) not in the position she thought she would be in when she gave you that hypothetical situation. It's easy to say things like that (and mean them) when it seems like a far off possibility. But then, when the time comes, you realize you could never have followed through in the first place.

Don't take it personally, and give it some time. She might come around. And if not, this really isn't worth ruining a friendship over.

What she said.

Koga, just out of interest, do you talk in third-person? because on the forums, it makes you seem very aloof, arrogant and immature. Now, in any other thread, I would see it as mildly amusing. But relationships are serious things, quite often where people look for life partners, and if you treat the opposite sex the way you wrote above, I'm not surprised they reacted like that.

[elliott20]

it doesn't sound like Koga thinks much of any of these girls either.

[Pyrian]

i talked to a friend of mine a week ago, when she had a bf. at that time, she told me she liked me, and had liked me for a while, and that if she ever dumped her bf, she would probably go out with me if i asked her to. i was stoked, i've had a crush on her since 8th grade (going into 10th next year). so like 2 days ago she dumped her bf, and when she told me (it was this afternoon, and she was compleatly over it, and happy they were broken up), i asked if she still liked me and still would go out with me. turns out in the course of a week i've gone from top guy she likes to just a friend. i haven't even SEEN her in that week. She wasn't even in the state! i just dont get how a week can get her to change like that.

Maybe she didn't. Maybe she only told you that in the first place to try to make you feel better, not expecting a sudden breakup around the corner.

[Swedish chef]

Bwah! The Koga could probably make one of those teen movies like John Tucker Must Die but with Kill Bill cheesy kungfu action. XD

I would say that The Koga had it coming

[Syka]

Koga, just because she likes you doesn't mean that she doesn't realize you are a donkey's behind. ;) I liked a guy for...oh...2-3 years. For all but a few months of that I realized he was a jerk. Which is why I never would have dated him. And the chances that her "not being ready for a relationship" really means "I don't want one with you" are high.

Other stuff I shall address later once my mind recovers...(Greek plus a belly dancing class plus Florida heat equals no brain power).

Cheers,
Syka

[Koga]

Koga, just out of interest, do you talk in third-person? because on the forums, it makes you seem very aloof, arrogant and immature. Now, in any other thread, I would see it as mildly amusing. But relationships are serious things, quite often where people look for life partners, and if you treat the opposite sex the way you wrote above, I'm not surprised they reacted like that.

No, but he is very much aloof, arrogant, and immature. But apparently also charming and romantic. Guys and girls alike compare him to a drug.
(And no, he's not bisexual. But he'll kissass to anyone if it serves his interests.)


The drug comparison came from onlookers who have seen his exes and former friends, who despite get angery with him and call him uncaring and a poor friend/boyfriend always need him around.

When he neglects them for too long, they go through withdrawel lol!


But then that's what The Koga always wanted. That sortof charisma needs to be heightend as it only works maybe 1 out of 5 times. His philosophy on life and love is like.. Erythmix man. XD

Sweet dreams are made of these...
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas, everybody's looking for something..

Some of them want to use you..
Some of them want to get used by you..
Some of them want to abuse you..
Some of them want to be abused..

I want to use you.. and abuse you..

Hold you head up (moving on)
Keep your head up (moving on)..

[Koga]

it doesn't sound like Koga thinks much of any of these girls either.

Well to be fair if he didn't think highly of them at all he wouldn't be talking to them. He really only has three ways of treatment.

He hates you and is cruel, mean, and will say horrible things relating to your deceased family.

He's totaly apathetic, and just ignores you.

Or he kisses up to you, so you cling to him and can't get enough of his words which are like Resess peanutbutter cups. Sweet, but full of empty calories haha!

[The Great Skenardo]

Well to be fair if he didn't think highly of them at all he wouldn't be talking to them. He really only has three ways of treatment.

He hates you and is cruel, mean, and will say horrible things relating to your deceased family.

He's totaly apathetic, and just ignores you.

Or he kisses up to you, so you cling to him and can't get enough of his words which are like Resess peanutbutter cups. Sweet, but full of empty calories haha!

Uh. So, in essence, what you're saying is that you're very shallow and manipulative? Or did I miss something?

[Sean92k]

Uh. So, in essence, what you're saying is that you're very shallow and manipulative? Or did I miss something?

Sounds pretty heartless aswell. Cruel comments about deceased family members? Thats just harsh

[Hoggy]

This is more a Woe than an Advice. Infact, I don't need no advice, I just thought I'd share a woe.

Anyways, know that redhead I was on about a few weeks ago? Probably not, but meh. Anyways, I asked her out today, she said she'd rather be friends.

[injoke]Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to go, Mr. ZD sir! /slap[/injoke]

Ah well, things happen, move on.

[Syka]

Heh, has no one else noted Koga's attitude via the other posts?

*hugs* Hoggy. Stuff like that sucks. You're still young, you have time. :)

On my own front...Everything is ok I think. I'm still pessimistic as ever about the whole situation, but the paranoia has left me for the most part. At least to the point where I can shunt it aside and not worry. :)

Cheers,
Syka

[Sean92k]

Good for you, Hoggy. Not that she said no but that you managed to ask her, I'm sure the 'What if?'s would hurt more than being shot down. Im also sorry to hear that she said no

[Koga]

Sounds pretty heartless aswell. Cruel comments about deceased family members? Thats just harsh

Well what do you want? Most alignment tests say he's true neutral or chaotic evil.

[Sean92k]

Yeh, but this isn't D&D. And girls aren't npc's you can insult and then they dissapear. Everyone in real life has feelings and emotions and if you go around beating these emotions into a pulp not many people are going to like you. Even if you try to hide behind D&D alignments.

Edit: The first person thing gets real old real fast

[Syka]

Ok...this is beginning to stray on to a topic that it probably shouldn't. Please be carefuly regarding derogatory comments and/or being demeaning (yes, even if you are like that to everyone). If I'm not mistaken, it's why the thread got closed last time, and I don't want to see it again. Politeness is a virtue, as is modesty.

For full rules, please see the first post.

Cheers,
Syka

[SDF]

So anyone have any thoughts, advice, or relevant rambling stories for me? *points at previous post*

[Syka]

The only possible advice I can give you is try to talk to him. But brace yourself. Most people do not take to critiscism, even constructive kinds, well. They don't like seing the flaws in themselves. And when they are "in love" it's even harder to point out that the path they are going down is a very dangerous and potentially stupid one indeed.

The best you could probably do is let him know your worries, and take it from there. It is ultimately his decision.

Cheers,
Syka

[SDF]

Yeah, thats the direction it's going towards, but hey the worst I can do is lose a friend. So I guess I can sit back or stand up. Bleh.