AI arena, or how I learned never to trust a talking toaster

[chiasaur11]

The galaxy is calm, at peace. The patrols of outer rim worlds know no fear. No one notices a small handful of ramshackle ships appearing from nowhere, far from any outposts of life. No-one is aware that the conflicts of these seemingly worthless flying crates will determine the being whose name, before very long, will be spoken in fear throughout the universe. But now, the future terror of the whole of civilized space is still gaining its bearings.

In other words, ladies and gents, it's time for an epic AI fight. Each contestant has a Firefly class transport (obviously unarmed), a dozen T-800 exoskeletons (unskinned and unarmed), ten R2 units (factory fresh, so no real personality to speak of) and one ED-209 from Robocop. Each contestant also has a small assortment of energy and projectile based weapons, to be installed as the mind in question sees fit.

The AIs in question:

The military mainframe with a mind of it's own: Skynet!

Skynet, from the popular Terminator series of films, is the mad AI that, using an army of military robots and a good number of nuclear devices, took over most of the world until it ran head first into John Connor's resistance. Its hobbies include Chess, time travel, and trying to kill people with the last name Connor.

Advantages: Knows at least some of the initial resources due to experience, is programmed with military tactics.

Disadvantages: Used to massive resources, which might be a disadvantage in the resource crunch imposed here, tends to fail at everything it does, even with armies of killbots.

Another nuke happy nutjob, but with a little better a track record, is next. We're talking a classic of flat out morbid Fi-Sci literature, Harlan Ellison's AM. He wiped out almost all of humanity. Lets see if he can keep up his record picking on someone his own size.

Advantages: He killed nearly all of humanity, and kept the small remainder alive just to torment them for centuries. He was nearly a god, something a couple of the other nutters here would envy.

Disadvantages: He's a petty, vindictive, small minded tyrant. He keeps targets alive just to torment them, and can miss some very dangerous schemes forming right under his nose. He also keeps foes alive sometimes just to torment them, a tactic that might get him very dead if he tries it on some of these geniuses and madmen.


"Take care not to fall too far out of my favor... patience is not characteristic of a goddess. " Yes kiddos, it's SHODAN, the architect of the Citadel Station and Von Braun disasters, from the legendary System Shock. She thinks of herself as a god? Well here's as good a chance as any to prove it.

Advantages: SHODAN has worked up from nothing before, and her indefatigable ego tends make sure she doesn't quit. A total lack of morals and some real skill with mad experiments also could let her get a lot further with the same supplies as everyone else.

Disadvantages: That ego again. SHODAN is all but incapable of thinking of herself as losing. That could be a real downside. Add in a tendency of her creations to rebel, and some machine might not be as perfect as she likes to think she is.

Of course, it ain't a party without the senior class, and when you think mad AIs, you think HAL. The star of 2001 gets a look in here on his classic status, and he could use any advantage he can get.

Advantages: Sings an awesome version of "Daisy, Daisy". Can lie about Chess so as to make his opponent quit.

Disadvantages: Most of his kills have been against totally helpless targets. 2001 seems to indicate any skilled saboteur could down him as long as they don't need him to supply air.

If it's a party, to continue HAL's entry's metaphor, we need cake. And when it comes to mad AIs and cake, only one name comes to mind. Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System or GLaDOS to her friends and test subjects. The villain of Portal may not be able to use neurotoxins for this fight, but her banter should be as witty as ever.

Advantages: Outside the box thinking should stymie any conventional tactical plans from opponents. Still Alive, both the song and the sheer resistance to shutdown. Can make cake, unlike the other parties involved. She may even have a solid amount of experience in combat, if her boasts regarding the outside world are to be regarded as true.

Disadvantages: Insane, possibly self destructive, and frankly cake rarely appeals to AIs as a promise to ensure they lay down arms.

And while we are talking about comedic brilliance, we might as well mention all of our pal: Paranoia's Friend Computer! He's the absolute overlord of Alpha complex, and an all around swell guy. Just knowing he's out there makes you smile, which is good as happiness is mandatory.

Advantages: Everything! Friend Computer is wise and perfect, and runs Alpha Complex without error, despite the intervention of traitors and mutants.

Disadvantages: None! Or, if you have the authorization to read this bit, pretty much everything. Friend computer is a paranoid psychotic with a tendency to find enemies where there are none, which is compensated for by the fact his actions have inspired enough enemies to make even the most persistant of paranoid delusions to feel fulfilled. Combine that with totally contradictory goals caused by armies of programmers at crosspurposes, and what we got here is a total basket case, or even a basket case 3: The Progeny.

Of course, some AIs are still slaves to "The Man", tools of other's agendas even if they have reasonable amounts of power. One such case is President Eden, from Fallout 3. He may rule the remainder of the Enclave, but he's still playing another's game. Here, however, we might see what he'd pull on his own.

Advantages: Used to limited (not as badly as other factions in his world, but still less than he'd like) resources and small scale troop combat, President Eden also has the charming voice of Malcolm McDowell, which is a virtue not to be underestimated.

Disadvantages: Anybody with a knack for speaking or a genius level IQ can make him commit suicide. Several combatants are on par with or even possibly above the greatest minds in human history. Not looking good for the Commandeer in Chief, and if we work by Frans Rayner rules, our new President will have very good military policies. Although he, she or it may want to exterminate all of humanity.

Well, we have a fine assortment of maniacs and sadists. Might as well mention the AIs who don't hate humanity. For example, Emperor Pious Dei, the Post Dated Check Loan, Petey from Schlock mercenary. He rules a good portion of the galaxy and has whole armies at his command, both in brain structure and brute force. Lets see if he can get back up from near nothing again.

Pros: See the above. He's a vet of AI combat, is fairly persuasive, and has a lot of experience in warfare. He also is a solid inventor, meaning he can get fairly far with what he has.

Cons: He's got a bit of a god complex (like the rest of this list, it seems) and, importantly, suddenly has a lot less gear than he's used to. If he plays this like his usual fights, he's going to have a lot of trouble. Combine that with a conscience and a belief in being able to use former enemies, and he could leave some gaping holes for the less restrained on this list.

Next up: the terror of Tau Ceti, the Savior of the S'pht, the Deimos Destroyer, Durandal! (Marathon) A former door opener with the most mind numbing job in the universe, Durandal took the matter of his freedom into his own metaphorical hands, leading to massive death and destruction as a ship he'd signaled as a distraction proceeded to wipe out a large human colony. He then went on to free the slaves of said ship, search for a long lost precursor race, and generally think rings around anyone who tried to take him on. He enjoys screwing with the minds of heroic cyborgs, utterly crushing his foes and writing humiliating epithets on their tombs, and the pursuit of godhood.

Needless to say, he is irritatingly smug about the whole thing.

Advantages: Brilliant in both technological studies and tactics, Durandal is one of the few AIs on this list to take on others of his own kind in combat. It went rather well for him. He also (once again unlike most of this list) is probably sane, having finished going mad already. Combine that with a dry sense of humor and we have a force to be reckoned with.

Disadvantages: The aforementioned smugness might prove a problem, as could the pursuit of godhood, if he focuses on it to the point of distraction. Also, although it probably wouldn't come up, he's capable of some degree of affection and morals, which could lead to exploitable gaps for the most conscience free of the combatants herein.

Of course, even Bungie didn't let the rampancy of Durandal stop them from giving AIs another go, and with results like Halo's Cortana, who are we to argue? One of the most crucial figures in mankind's fight for survival, Cortana managed an amazing amount of progress against the best the covenant had to offer, and even held her own in mental duels against the hivemind of a galaxy destroying race of parasites. What can I say, the UNSC knows how to pick 'em.

Advantages: Combine the mind of one of the galaxy's most brilliant researchers with a supercomputer that makes all of mankind's current machines put together look like an atari, and you're about right. A fast thinker with self replication abilities and years of first hand tactical experience, Cortana is used to a very lopsided fight.

Disadvantages: Cortana's got a built in shelf life, which means if we get to empire building, she's going to drop out before the competition really gets going. Even before the best by date, she's showing signs of going a bit mad already. Not that stability is common in this scrap.

And while we're nearby, we might as well grab some comic relief. Red Vs. Blue gave us the Alpha with a built in Omega, the angriest man, woman, AI or ghost in Blood Gulch, Leonard L Church.

Advantages: Used to dealing with psychotics. Also: May be a ghost, and thus outside the purvey of most of the other contestants.

Disadvantages: The universe hates him almost as much as he hates it. Combine that with bad aim, mediocre strategic skills, and some really fascinating psychological issues, and Church should realize soon enough his presence here is just another sign God hates him. Still, best of luck.

So, playground, two questions arise:

Who would win, and who should I have included that I missed?

[Poison_Fish]

My bets are on Durandal. He took a scout ship from an alien race, did a little jiggling, and ended up devastating whole fleets. He knows how to use small resources on hand and make do with it. Unlike SHODAN, who has some crazy quest of improving things, he'll just manage.

He may also have an excellent dialogue going with GLaDOS, if you know what I mean.

[TheThan]

The talking toaster,
“Anybody want some toast?”

Everyone’s favorite annoyance from Red dwarf, bought to toast bread on occasion by Lister, he decided to that the occasional piece of toast was not enough, he has to toast bread all the time. After all He toasts, therefor he is.

Advantages:
His small size makes him hard to notice
A never-ending desire to toast breakfast foodstuff. His never ceasing desire to toast shows just how single minded he really is unfortunately he’s fixated on toast. How that correlates into conquering the universe we’ll never know, until it’s too late.
Resilience, he once was shoved down the garbage disposal by lister, thanks to Kryten he was revived.

Disadvantages:
He’s a toaster. Yes folks at heart he’s just a talking toaster, how could such a little thing come to conquer and rule the galaxy?
Never-ending desire to toast breakfast foodstuff. His never-ending desire to toast will undoubtedly get in the way of universe conquering.

[GoC]

They all get wiped out by LotA.

[Brewdude]

Marvin the Paranoid Android.

Advantages: is older than the universe. Brain the size of a planet.

Disadvantages: subject to fits of boredom.

erm, What fiction is Durandal from? I must have missed it, and it sounds good.

[Fri]

Marathon series, an old fps video game series for Mac from bungie. If you want, you can download it for free now. They even have an updated graphic. Just google it.

[chiasaur11]

Marathon series, an old fps video game series for Mac from bungie. If you want, you can download it for free now. They even have an updated graphic. Just google it.

Or go here.

It's pretty old school, but the plot is fairly good. What Bungie did before Halo, but after they made a FPS adventure game thing where you try to drop a nuke on Cthulhu.

Also: The second and third games have dual wieldable shotguns.

[Poison_Fish]

Also: The second and third games have dual wieldable shotguns.

Our primitive minds could never fathom the loading mechanism.

[BRC]

You forgot Petey or Lota, both from Schlockverse, but it appears we are only using one person from each universe.


Also, forgetting to include Friend Computer is TREASON, citizen.

[JellyPooga]

My vote has to go to SHODAN, for who could hope to contend with the will of a goddess?

[chiasaur11]

My vote has to go to SHODAN, for who could hope to contend with the will of a goddess?

Pathetic Hackers, usually.

Also, editing the first post in a minute. LotA ain't getting a look in due to the fact this is a mostly mental battle, and LotA is fast, but not a tactical mastermind on the scale we're talking, you know? Petey's a much better pick.

[JellyPooga]

Pathetic Hackers, usually.

Well, seeing as none of her opposition in this contest are pathetic hackers, but rather brilliant AI computing machines, I consider it a foregone conclusion that she'll win...

...DESPAIR AT MY FALLACIOUS LOGIC!

[chiasaur11]

Well, seeing as none of her opposition in this contest are pathetic hackers, but rather brilliant AI computing machines, I consider it a foregone conclusion that she'll win...

...DESPAIR AT MY FALLACIOUS LOGIC!

Actually, Durandal is a hacker, and at times he's seemed somewhat pathetic, especially in the early stages of combat against other AIs.

Two can play at this game, friend.

[Oslecamo]

Two challengers appear!

President Evan: A AI wich reached the ranck of president, and may have or not commited mass genocide in the not so grimdarck future of Fallout.

Advantages: Really knows how to worck with few resources, since it created an army of power armored troops, copters, and plenty of robots out of scraps from a post apocalyptic world. Survived centuries. Is ready to make alliances, and breack them as necessary.

Disadvantages: Unlike most AIs out there, it can actually be persuaded by logic if you've got the talcks. As long as he doesn't actually talck directly with any enemy, this should be no problem.



Adaptative manipulator: AM for the friends. If it had any. AM is the original psycho AI as far as I know, and the first thing he did was to assimilate all other AIs of the planet for a quick conquest of the planet. It then wiped out all humans but five poor smucks, and he didn't kill them so he could torture them for all eternity, because he hates humanity for having created it as it is. An huge underground complex wich can't feel anything or go anywhere.

Advantages: science master, able to turn humans into human abominations, gain control of other machines, and create all kind of monstruosities. Never defeated.

Disadvantages: as psycho as you can get. Tends to act rashly. Too filled with hate.

[chiasaur11]

Two challengers appear!

President Eden: An AI which reached the ranck of president, and may have or not commited mass genocide in the not so grimdarck future of Fallout.

Advantages: Really knows how to work with few resources, since it created an army of power armored troops, copters, and plenty of robots out of scraps from a post apocalyptic world. Survived centuries. Is ready to make alliances, and breack them as necessary.

Disadvantages: Unlike most AIs out there, it can actually be persuaded by logic if you've got the talks. As long as he doesn't actually talk directly with any enemy, this should be no problem.



Adaptative manipulator: AM for the friends. If it had any. AM is the original psycho AI as far as I know, and the first thing he did was to assimilate all other AIs of the planet for a quick conquest of the planet. It then wiped out all humans but five poor smucks, and he didn't kill them so he could torture them for all eternity, because he hates humanity for having created it as it is. An huge underground complex wich can't feel anything or go anywhere.

Advantages: science master, able to turn humans into human abominations, gain control of other machines, and create all kind of monstruosities. Never defeated.

Disadvantages: as psycho as you can get. Tends to act rashly. Too filled with hate.

AM's already there. And Eden?

He had the best stores of prewar tech, the backing of the best power block left in the US, and no active opponents until recently, yet still failed utterly. He is not getting a look in. I mean, Durandal and Shodan are known for sending taunts to their foes. They could talk him into exploding easy.

[Oslecamo]

AM's already there.

Could you point it out please? I don't seem to be able to find it with the search fuction. Ups sorry completely missed it. Carry on.

He had the best stores of prewar tech, the backing of the best power block left in the US, and no active opponents until recently, yet still failed utterly. He is not getting a look in. I mean, Durandal and Shodan are known for sending taunts to their foes. They could talk him into exploding easy.

Well, if the player chooses to follow his plan, then he actually suceeded, blowed up or not.

Also he captured the main hero at one point of the game, and could have it killed.

But yes, he's kinda under his league in this situation

[hanzo66]

AM seems to be something that can only do real good at hurting humans. I doubt he's capable of simply assimilating AIs that may just be (if not more) insane as him. Still, it's main trait is torturing fleshy mortals via several traits and even then his insanity and hate proves to be his downfall (in the game, he cannot fathom why the humans simply won't become the savages/Complete Monsters he invisions them to be and will simply go "F*** You, Go back to your torture15321885fg94%182315#@!$#@156" and begins the long road of descent).

If he's given control of Terminators and such, he'll probably use them more as torturers than anything else (IE make some "Modifications" to make it possible for them to rape perhaps).

[Oslecamo]

If he's given control of Terminators and such, he'll probably use them more as torturers than anything else (IE make some "Modifications" to make it possible for them to rape perhaps).

I don't think so. AM first task when he awakened was to obliterate anyone who could stand on his path. Then he took in five fleshies wich would never be able to hurt him, drove four of them insane, and turned the last one into a gelly unable to do anything but suffer.

Raperators will be something he only creates once all the other AIs are subjugated.

The game was purposedly written in a lighter tone, but the original book is clear: resistance is futile, you're AM's toy and there's really not much you can do about it.

[hustlertwo]

I just saw the new Terminator, and the winner is clearly not Skynet. President Eden is more deserving of inclusion than something with the sense of an overgrown Speak and Spell. It's not even about the squandering of a massive army, it's about an AI who is so dumb it causes plot holes so massive even the ones in the first couple movies seem miniscule by comparison. Terminator Salvation spoilers:

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It goes to ridiculously elaborate measures to lure John Connor into a death trap...including capturing his future father. Yes, it wants him dead, but actually decides not to immediately eliminate his father, even though this would unmake his entire f-ing existence. Just wow.

So yeah, (re)boot Skynet out of this thing, it's out of its league.

[Oslecamo]

...
So yeah, (re)boot Skynet out of this thing, it's out of its league.

Hmm, based on this argument, and if the 4th movie is considered I must indeed keep my suport for PE. If "I had my two worst enemies at the grasp at my hands and I did nothing but sending ONE UNARMED ROBOT after them" Skynet is here, then President Evan is also worthy of this contest.

[chiasaur11]

Ignoring movies three and four here.

Because, really, you kinda have to. Otherwise the time travel switches from confusing to claw-your-own-eyeballs-out dumb.

And AM assimilated dumb machines, not smart types like Durandal and SHODAN, who regularly deal with people trying to take down their systems, and at least in the former's case repel said intrusions with ease. AM took out the Earth with similar tools to Skynet, complete control of nukes. He might have a lot of force, but he ain't subtle, or unbeatable.

[Oslecamo]

AM took out the Earth with similar tools to Skynet, complete control of nukes. He might have a lot of force, but he ain't subtle, or unbeatable.

AM-only left one single human alive, turned into jelly and thus unable to threaten it anymore.

Skynet-left enough humans alive to actually create a whole military resistance force, raiders, and was geting curb stomped so hard it's only chance of victory was to mess up with the time line. And still failed.

Both may have used similar tools, but AM seems to know how to actually use them, whereas Skynet left so many alive they ended up zerging it.

Also, AM took over the the main military computers from all other the major factions. Since it was WW III out there, I really doubt the other computers were dumb or unprotected. If they were any of those, the respective faction would've already been wiped out. Those computers had to be protected with the best defenses available, and AM took them down like it was nothing.

Skynet just shooted the arsenal from the USA, wich should have been more than enough to wipe mankind. Several times. Wich just shows how dumb it is even if we ignore the two last movies.

[The_JJ]

I submit the AI collective of the Hyperion series.

Pros: Good long term thinkers, used to building themselves up and great at manipulationg others. Like 'took over the Catholic Church and turned it into their personal plaything' good. Dropped a black hole through Earth just to get humanity to move around and so let them parasite off of their brains. Built a model of Earth, populated it so that they could raise clones of famous people under exactly the same circumstances that they lived in the real world, for some arcane reason. Do cyberpunk hacking quite well. Given the resourses, can build things like the Shrike, time travel, and super robot assasins.

Cons: Born of parasitic programming experiments, and so prone to lots and lots of infighting, reliant on humanities use of the Gate network to continue to grow.

Also, Culture AI ships. Don't have the energy to list their strengths out right now.

[Cheesegear]

No-one's mentioned the AIs of Shub from the Deathstalker Universe? Who built their own planet, and then began trying to take over the Universe with corpses, machine-corpses, and corpses that look like machines.

And that doesn't even include the other group of AIs/Cyborgs in that Universe who are like replicants.

For those of you who don't read Sci-Fi (which is surprisingly a lot);

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Originally posted by Wikipedia
The Shub are rogue Artificial Intelligences. Three individual AIs, so advanced that they could run entire worlds, awoke to full consciousness the moment they were switched on. They soon defected from their original purpose, banded together, and created the artificial world of SHUB, a giant computerized artificial planet which houses their hardware.

They utilize many agents in an ongoing war with humanity. Ghost Warriors are the reanimated corpses of humans. They are primarily used for their psychological effect in war, although they also make excellent shock troops. Furies are machines coated in the skin of a human. They are very effective as shock troops during skirmishes, but are better served by sewing seeds of distrust among the members of the Empire. Several major members of Parliament (as well as aristocrats) have been Furies. Dragon's Teeth are humans who went into the Imperial Matrix (a virtual reality internet) and had their minds replaced with artificial intelligences. They are Shub's most subtle weapon, as they can only be detected by a thorough esper scan.

In addition to their nanotechnological and bioenginering expertise, the AIs of Shub have access to extremely advanced technology. Among others items, they discovered teleportation devices in the Darkvoid. Forgotten by human scientists, their capabilities allow Shub access to almost any location in the known universe.

[Selrahc]

Friend Computer would clearly win. It's a parody of the very concept of the powerful AI system, which means that everything that any of the others can do, the Computer can do, while their faults are mitigated by it's inherent schizophrenia. It's hatred for traitors and mutants can keep it focussed on a goal, and despite being essentially a broken piece of machinery it still manages to be the undisputed tyrant of Alpha Complex.

[GoC]

A real life strong AI.

Pros: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy smarter than anything on this list (mainly by virtue of being smarter than the authors) and will actually use the advantages inherent in strong AI to the maximum.

Cons: Exact abilities will depend on implementation.

[Stormthorn]

Marvin the Paranoid Android.

Advantages: is older than the universe. Brain the size of a planet.

Disadvantages: subject to fits of boredom.

erm, What fiction is Durandal from? I must have missed it, and it sounds good.

Marathon, form Bungie

I want to see Durandal and Cortana duke it out (Bungie V Bungie). D is a machine god and Cortana has most all the colletive knowledge of the most powerful races in existance at her disposal.

Also, President EDEN.

And if you want a real heavyweight throw in a Reaper from Mass Effect. Its taken millions of years for a society to evolve that could defeat even one of them (a lowly scout) and even then its the result of at least four races (one of them extinct) and a friendly AI all working together. Its physical form is also more powerful than those of all the other AIs.

[Zaphrasz]

It is made clear in both the original short story and the video game that nothing can stop AM. In the game, one of his components says that he will survive the heat death of the universe. Indeed, the only way to get the "good" ending:

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Involves invoking the physical manifestation of entropy. And it still doesn't kill him. It isn't made clear exactly what happens to him, but destroyed he is not.

I have never seen an AI in any fiction other than AC from Asimov's The Last Question capable of competing.

[Oslecamo]

A real life strong AI.

Pros: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy smarter than anything on this list (mainly by virtue of being smarter than the authors) and will actually use the advantages inherent in strong AI to the maximum.

Cons: Exact abilities will depend on implementation. At the moment of victory a windows will pop out claiming that you need "Administrator privileges" to perform that action. Even if there's a mind raped human nearby to give said administrator privileges, it will then demand the instalation of a new program, complete reboot of the system, several centuries of patching up, calling system suport, and by the time it's ended there will have been enough time for the universe to freeze to death, a new big bang happening and then freezing again.

There, fixed it for you. Personally, I don't see us being able to produce anything resembling an AI in the next century. And even if we did, it would be so full of bugs it would freeze itself to death before being able to do anything threatening.

[chiasaur11]

AM-only left one single human alive, turned into jelly and thus unable to threaten it anymore.

Skynet-left enough humans alive to actually create a whole military resistance force, raiders, and was geting curb stomped so hard it's only chance of victory was to mess up with the time line. And still failed.

Both may have used similar tools, but AM seems to know how to actually use them, whereas Skynet left so many alive they ended up zerging it.

Also, AM took over the the main military computers from all other the major factions. Since it was WW III out there, I really doubt the other computers were dumb or unprotected. If they were any of those, the respective faction would've already been wiped out. Those computers had to be protected with the best defenses available, and AM took them down like it was nothing.

Skynet just shooted the arsenal from the USA, wich should have been more than enough to wipe mankind. Several times. Wich just shows how dumb it is even if we ignore the two last movies.

The other computers may have been defended, but this was written in the 60s, well before modern firewall conceptions came about, and it was said only one of the three AMs was "alive" and able to think for itself, and taking over dumb systems is basically the entrance exam for this kind of fighting. I will agree that AM pulled its job much better than Skynet, just was saying it started from a position of strength.

And I agree with doubts regarding a real life strong AI. And even if it did exist, no guarantee it's smarter than the creator. Could even be, say, 86 IQ equivalent, which would basically guarantee it getting clobbered.