Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

[Jacklu]

Great luck DD!

[Dallas-Dakota]

@DD: That's great! I really hope for the best!

My advice is not to try the sarcastic approach. Just act casual, and be very confident. And if she just wants to be friends, that's fine too. I have a very good friend that I've asked out, and it didn't hurt our friendship at all.

But....I am sarastic.

My body is made out of 90% sarcasm, 5% water/milk and 5% psychedelic.


Also that approach: A little bit about me:
I umm, have low, err, no self esteem issues. That gramatically is both correct and incorrect. I mean...I mean I have no self confidence. I usually go by sarcasm and not caring. She kinda knows this. So erm, it might work? >.>

And that sounds hopefull.

Also: Zeb: Smooth!

[Silence]

But....I am sarastic.

My body is made out of 90% sarcasm, 5% water/milk and 5% psychedelic.


Also that approach: A little bit about me:
I umm, have low, err, no self esteem issues. That gramatically is both correct and incorrect. I mean...I mean I have no self confidence. I usually go by sarcasm and not caring. She kinda knows this. So erm, it might work? >.>

And that sounds hopefull.

Also: Zeb: Smooth!

You sound like me last year xD

Well, it's your call. You know the situation better than me. But I can tell you that girls like a guy who's confident, because the truth is that girls want a knight in shining armor (generalizing here), and it's difficult to be that person sometimes. If you really are a sarcastic person, then I think it's a fine idea to go with that. Best of luck, man!

[cycoris]

But....I am sarastic.

My body is made out of 90% sarcasm, 5% water/milk and 5% psychedelic.


Also that approach: A little bit about me:
I umm, have low, err, no self esteem issues. That grammatically is both correct and incorrect. I mean...I mean I have no self confidence. I usually go by sarcasm and not caring. She kinda knows this. So erm, it might work? >.>

*huggles DD*

GOOD LUCK!!

Please though, try not to be sarcastic. Cause if she does like you and you're sarcastic about asking her out, she could take that to mean that you weren't sincere about asking her out.

And while I at least don't want a knight in shining armour (no offence, Silence), I'd probably say no if I thought a guy wasn't sincere when he asked me out. If you're nervous, that's okay. It's flattering to know that we can have that effect on you.

[Forever Curious]

You sound like me last year xD

Well, it's your call. You know the situation better than me. But I can tell you that girls like a guy who's confident, because the truth is that girls want a knight in shining armor (generalizing here), and it's difficult to be that person sometimes. If you really are a sarcastic person, then I think it's a fine idea to go with that. Best of luck, man!

Meh, I wouldn't go as far to say "knight in shining armor", but definitely "someone not too self deprecating". But that's just from me and my experiences.

[Silence]

I'm saying the knight in shining armor thing as a total generalization. I really don't know many girls that wouldn't want a strong, sincere gentleman as a boyfriend (if they want one in the first place.) The rest of their personality is up for grabs.

[Forever Curious]

I'm saying the knight in shining armor thing as a total generalization. I really don't know many girls that wouldn't want a strong, sincere gentleman as a boyfriend (if they want one in the first place.) The rest of their personality is up for grabs.

Acknowledged. Sorry for shooting down your point.

[Silence]

No, it's completely fine! I should be the one sorry for not making what I meant clear.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Hey, this isn't your avarage kind of girl.

She's a mead-drinking, fedora-wearing, into-fantasy kind of girl.

Scrap that part, I think it's a trilby, not sure.

[Silence]

Hey, this isn't your avarage kind of girl.

She's a mead-drinking, fedora-wearing, into-fantasy kind of girl.

Scrap that part, I think it's a trilby, not sure.

Heh, well, all the better. I love those girls.

[Pyrian]

I really don't know many girls that wouldn't want a strong, sincere gentleman as a boyfriend (if they want one in the first place.)

Oh, I know some. Near-total self-sufficiency makes many people nervous. They're insecure if they don't feel needed!

Are there any helpful tips on the best way to raise the topic? Seriously, I'm killing myself over this guy! One of us has to say something eventually, and it might just have to be me, but I have absolutely no idea how to do so.

When in doubt, go with tradition:

Her: Kiss me, you idiot!

[The Extinguisher]

I really want to talk to someone, but I'm pretty sure I'm overdramatizing the whole thing.

Still... anyone willing to listen to a kids pathetic problems. I'd rather not clog up this thread anymore than I have.

[Coidzor]

On the whole "Kiss me, Idiot" thing. "Kiss me you fool" also works as a variant.

DD: When it comes to dates, it's generally muddled enough as it is to be sarcastic and snarky about actually asking the girl out in the first place.

[Jacklu]

I really want to talk to someone, but I'm pretty sure I'm overdramatizing the whole thing.

Still... anyone willing to listen to a kids pathetic problems. I'd rather not clog up this thread anymore than I have.

I can listen. Not sure sure I'm equipped to give advice, but listen.

[TheBST]

I really want to talk to someone, but I'm pretty sure I'm overdramatizing the whole thing.

Still... anyone willing to listen to a kids pathetic problems. I'd rather not clog up this thread anymore than I have.

What kind of attitude is that? Spill your guts chief, no one's here to judge.

[Syka]

What worked for me, Vella, was talking to him until two in the morning after a week of the same thing and us dancing around the "are we or aren't we" question without ever actually asked him. Getting me tired enough helped me get the courage to flat out say "are we or aren't we and it's ok if we aren't". It's almost like liquid courage but not quite as fuzzy lol.


In other news, Syka got a phone number today. I spent all day in the library studying with my group for a test tonight so I went to the water fountain to get a drink several times. I have a habit of smiling when I make eye contact with people so combined with my eyes being drawn to people it means a lot of smiling. Unfortunately...there was a guy sitting at a desk near our room...who kept making eye contact with me. The last time I went to the waterfountain he asked me to take a small slip of paper. I get into the room and realize "oh no..." Sure enough, it was his email and phone number.

I'm still kinda really surprised since that has never happened before. Hell, we didn't even say anything to each other before he gave me the paper! I feel a little bad since I won't be using the number (what with the being in a monogamous relationship thing) but I admire the guys courage.

[Pyrian]

Short rant:

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Why is the law of karma so strong for me? For every hopeless crush I have, there's someone else with a hopeless crush back. I can't help but feel extremely sympathetic, and yet... I just can't date a beach ball. (Nor, rather more ironically, someone nearly twice my age, though that's been less of a problem since I dyed my hair.) No interest. I'm sorry. I tried to warn her. I really did. And the hell of it is, these are great women, generally speaking. Just... Too round for me. I can't help it.

[The Extinguisher]

What kind of attitude is that? Spill your guts chief, no one's here to judge.

Alright... but I feel really bad for making you guys listen to all this.

Spoiler

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Well, a good place to start, I guess is about this time last year.

My good friend, A, and myself pretty much spent the entire summer or so flirting with each other. Now, she was in a long distance relationship with this other guy, J. This had been going on for a couple years now, and was on and off occasionally, but definitely more time on. Now, during September and October, she started getting depressed. They were fighting a lot more, and J treated her like **** most of the time. He was smoking a lot of pot and it was, all in all, not a very healthy relationship.

This is where I come in. She was feeling spiteful, lonely and horny. One night in October we ended up making out on her couch, and slowly progressing from there. During that time, things were going worse for her and J. She was failing school because of it, and almost dropped out. But around the start of November, she broke it off with him (after a lot of worry because she thought J was going to kill himself because of it) and we ended up together. A went through periods of talking to him for a little while, trying to keep a friendship, only to loose contact for months.

Now flash forward to June/July. Our relationship is getting a little rocky. Disagreements are turning into arguments which are turning into fights. It's happening more frequently. We've had relationship issues in the past, but we've worked them out. But around the start of July, we have a big fight, and end up breaking up. The idea seemed mutual at the time (give us some time to clear our heads and see what happens) but looking back it seemed rather sudden.

Now, we've been keeping in touch, as friends, throughout summer, kinda being flirty again, but not as much as last year. But, just a few weeks ago, I learn that she's back together with J. After talking to her about it, apparently she's been together since the middle of July, just a few weeks after we broke up. I guess I believe her, but there are some suspicious things looking back on it all. She had been wearing jewelry J had gotten her while they were together, and not just random jewelry, but a ring that I'm pretty sure was really important to her. And I think she was talking to him again before we broke up.

I could just be really paranoid, but when I asked her about it a couple weeks after we broke up, whether she was back with J or not, she said she wasn't, so I don't know what to think.


Now, they've been back together for a couple months, and he was supposed to move up here to live with her for about six months, but he ended up getting stuck in customs because they figured out he didn't have enough money to go back home after the "two month visiting period" was over. Which is true. But she has been really depressed again, and she's told me that they've been fighting over the little things lately. J wants A to move down to the States with him, and she doesn't want to, because up here she has a job, friends and assurance if something ever happens, because she's living with her mom right now and has no experience living on her own. I'm afraid of what happens if J presses the issue, as A doesn't really have a habit of thinking about herself first.

All the while, I'm trying to be a good friend. Yes, I still have feelings for her, but I'd rather see her happy, instead of hurt and depressed. Last night, we end up staying up late texting each other, flirting and saying things you really don't say to just "friends". Today, we go out for lunch, but she ditches me after, saying that things we're too weird. Apparently, she was fighting the urge to just grab me and have her way with me when I walked in the door. She's depressed and lonely and horny, again. I'm trying to help her out, get her to talk over her issues to figure out why she's so depressed, and she says she doesn't want to talk it over with me because she's still very attracted to me.

I'm trying to get her to see around that, and to think about her own happiness and herself first, and what other people want second. And I haven't gotten back anything else about that yet.

I'm worried, but at the same time, I feel like maybe I'm just being the jealous ex-boyfriend and blowing things way out of proportion. I don't want to lose a friendship though. I don't know what to do.

[Alarra]

On the whole "Kiss me, Idiot" thing. "Kiss me you fool" also works as a variant.

Or, you know...you could kiss him. Of course, I have done the 'kiss me, idiot' thing...well, my exact words were actually 'So are you ever going to kiss me?' but same general idea. But really, why wait for him? The easiest way to take things to the next level, especially when it's so clear that he's interested, and if you're not able to bring up the subject, is to do something (like kiss him) to make it clear that you're interested. Of course, you don't have to go with kissing, you could hold his hand or some such, but yeah.

[Pyrian]

The Extinguisher, I think you need to dissociate from her situation a bit. First off, it really seems like she's just using you, and I'm not convinced that situation is healthy for you. Second, insofar as you want to help her out, flirtation is the wrong way. This J guy sounds rather dubious, but ultimately that's her problem and you won't do much good by being judgmental. Obviously she's chosen him over you, and as wrong as that may seem it's probably best to accept that and move on. What you can do for her is be there in a friendly way. Right now, the flirtations are sabotaging even that, so I really think you need to cool it.

[TheBST]

@Pyrian: Hey, if you're not sexually attracted to someone, it's never going to work. Take the compliment and be a gentleman about it. But know this: if the girl question shows up one day having lost the weight, looking good to you, that ship has sailed. (Hey I've seen this happen to guys and girls a few times).

@Extingusher: The girl in question sounds like a complete mess leaning on you for support whenever things with this J fellow get sour. Still, some couples can hate each other, fight, scream and argue constantly but if you try to tell them they should break up, you're suddenly the ********. At the end of the day, I wouldn't get involved with her beyond friendship. She needs to make up her mind and sort out her own problems. Don't try to be a white knight.

[Pyrian]

@Pyrian: Hey, if you're not sexually attracted to someone, it's never going to work.

Yup, yup.

Take the compliment and be a gentleman about it.

I guess that's where I'm primarily concerned, right now. I'm already extrapolating further than I'm comfortable with. This one divorcing woman whom I added to my LiveJournal started posting comments, and now a shared friend says she's been asking about me, wanting to know if I'm going to be at certain social events. I already tried to subtly warn her once. I don't want to lead her on and I don't want to say anything presumptuous, especially if I'm mistaking her intentions.

But know this: if the girl question shows up one day having lost the weight, looking good to you, that ship has sailed. (Hey I've seen this happen to guys and girls a few times).

Heheh, I'm cool with 'dat, I just don't expect it.

[Silence]

@Estinguisher: Wow, I can really relate to that. Waaaaaaaaay too much. Except, I'm the one long distance, and J is the one nearby. And J is the one that did things with A. I'm just the other guy for the entire time.

But, enough complaining. I'm really sorry that that happened, and hope that it goes well. Maybe you should just tell her you have feelings for her...

[The Extinguisher]

@Estinguisher: Wow, I can really relate to that. Waaaaaaaaay too much. Except, I'm the one long distance, and J is the one nearby. And J is the one that did things with A. I'm just the other guy for the entire time.

But, enough complaining. I'm really sorry that that happened, and hope that it goes well. Maybe you should just tell her you have feelings for her...

She knows I have feelings for her, the same as she does for me. That's what's complicating the issue.

I know I shouldn't be flirting. But I think in a way, I'm doing it subconsciously in response to her flirting, and only realizing after.

[Coidzor]

Guess you'll just have to be hypervigilant and proactive and on guard around her if you wanna put the onus on that.

Or get someone to hold you to it in terms of helping watch you when she's around and giving a pre-arranged signal or just talking to you after it when you're caught slipping.

[xPANCAKEx]

extinguisher

don't fool yourself. If she had the same feelings for you as you do for her, J wouldn't be in the picture

the girls a wreck, and using you for an ego boost. Steer clear.

Pyrian

its your rule about chocolate all over. Stick by the principles.

Syka

take the compliment, feel good about yourself. If you see him again, don't feel you have to explain yourself unless he broaches the subject, and you have nothing to appologise for.

Vella_Malachite

you don't have to say anything - just DO something about it ;)



NOW... pancake has an issue.

this is one i think i've pretty much got a handle on (its stuff i've given advice on many times before) but theres something not quite right about it that bothers me

One of the girls im sort of "seeing" (if you call it that) at the moment. Shes RUBBISH at keeping a plan. We'll arrange to meet up or hang out, then she'll bail without warning or even a txt to let me know. This im not so bothered by as she's like this with everyone (including her best friends). She doesn't even answer her phone at times (also, not a problem unique to me). By now, i'd usually practice as i preach, not make any further effort and leave it at that, chalking it up to lack of interest on her part, heres the kicker...

she sends me (unsolicited) messages telling me she misses me, and wants to see me. I normally counter this by reminder her of how rubbish she's been lately. It usually follows pattern of her applogising a lot and then (once again, unprompted) asking to see me sometime soon, even going so far as to suggest when shes free

she sets up meet-ups, then bails on them

this has happened 3-4 times now

whats the dilly? I think i've got a handle on it, but i want to hear it from you lot to see how far off the mark i am

[Coidzor]

Two possibilities, either she enjoys toying with you and thinking she's playing havoc with you using headgames or she's rubbish and needs to be slapped upside the head and enlist the appropriate technologies and/or medications to be able to function.

[xPANCAKEx]

Two possibilities, either she enjoys toying with you and thinking she's playing havoc with you using headgames or she's rubbish and needs to be slapped upside the head and enlist the appropriate technologies and/or medications to be able to function.

right now im leaning towards the latter... her communication skills are this lacking even when dealing with her closest friends

[Coidzor]

Well, I know what to suggest to her friends to chip in to get her for her next birthday...

[Klose_the_Sith]

right now im leaning towards the latter... her communication skills are this lacking even when dealing with her closest friends

Then maybe when you plan something together, you should show up at her door with Something and make her come with? By something I of course mean a leash+collar so she'll have to follow