Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[ZeroGear]

Rose: “Well I am a connoisseur of food.”
GM: “Says the mare that’ll not only eat everything put in front of her, but on three separate occasions has eaten something technically not classified as a 'food'.”

...why do so many of your companions remind me of Blackjack from Project Horizons?

Brune: "The fowl is belching lightning."

Laurence: "Do we all have to go in the spooky evil cave?"
Brune: "No. Conrad can stay on the ship with the other chicken."
Laurence: "HEY!"

Rugar: "FORE!"
Laurence: "Wrong game."

Brune: "Here, drink this poison!"

Minion: "I found the ring!"
Evil Boss: "That's a chicken."
Minion: "The ring is in the chicken!"

Laurence: "Nobody touches my c**k without my consent!"
Delilah: "Phrasing!"

Evil Boss: "Stop fighting the inevitable, give me the bird and be gone!"
Laurence: "We'd love to, but the fox censors won't allow us."
Chip (Brune's animal companion): "Yip! Yip! Yip!"

Boss: "Prepare to face my champion... GONAD THE GIRTHY!"
*Big Ogre in a loincloth lumbers in*
Delilah: "SWEET MERCIFUL FUNNEL CAKE MY EYES!"

[Mutazoia]

Correct 4th Wall Breaking: We're all characters in a game controlled by a bunch of humans and their dice.
Incorrect 4th Wall Breaking: This is a TV show, right?

[Lady Tialait]

Pendragon has been going lately, and we got a gem.

Christian Knight: If you win this contest I will convert to Paganism, and if I win you will have to pay me 20£!
Pagan Knight: Good to know, a Christian Soul is worth 20£.


Pagan Knight 1: Damn, my wife died and I still don't have any sons.
Pagan Knight 2: Oh, that is alright, I have at least six spar bastards, you can take your pick!

[2D8HP]

"Entertainment!!! And would it still be entertainment as I find ye hammering on her forge later?"

Spoiler: Context

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One Half-Elf to another Half-Elf who was flirting with a Dwarf

[Eldan]

Player: Oh, please. How would a group of legendary swordsmen even cause a continent to sink? Bang their swords against the floor? It wasn't them. I tell you.

DM: As you advance towards the final chamber, you hear a rhythmic booming noise, in tact with the tremors. You walk through the door, you see a circle of eight exhausted looking sword saints, lifting up their swords and slamming them into the ground, which sends out the shock waves you've been feeling.

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses

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...why do so many of your companions remind me of Blackjack from Project Horizons?

I don't know. I never read the story. ^^;

Laurence: "We'd love to, but the fox censors won't allow us."

Animaniacs reference? :D

Love: “I'm honored that you'd use me for inspiration to birth these three ponies.”

Love: “I'm not sure Love would consider them dating unless Star Chaser said something to that affect.”
GM: “You gave her your heart! Literally! Married couples don't do that.”

Sniper: “If he hadn't botched watching Song's body, then things might have been different.”
Rose: “You stallions are all the same. You have good aged wine right here, and you go for the grape juice.”

Love: “I didn't go into enough detail about the robopets to give them sexes. Feel free to pick one?”
Rose: “September!”

Rose: “Unless you want party-girl Rose to come out. If a unicorn with a lamp shade on her head doing the Macarena on your table is a thing that interests you…”
GM: “I see no downside here.”

Rose: “I'm not sure why you needed to quantify (alone) for Sniper going to bed?”
Sniper: *presents the statement *
Sniper: *presents the group's ability to find innuendo *
Sniper: *rests case*
Rose: “Oh come on, we're not—”
Rose: “Well, we wouldn't in this—”
Rose: “Okay yeah, I got nothing but innuendo.”

[Gallade]

"I think Horkuk scooped his own brain out to make room for even more muscles. I thought I had him when I put him in a maze and put that maze inside another maze."
"How long did it hold him?"
"One single day. He took a few seconds to think about the solution, then shrugged and started bursting through the walls."

"Come back here! We have to do some bro bonding, between women!"

[Lady Tialait]

Fighter: We need to check under the pants.

Ranger: FIGHTER SMASH!
Fighter walks up and opens the door.

[Gallade]

"Call me an exhibitionist, will you? Nevermind that I'm going commando under my night gown, It's about as sexy as a wet log right now. It's covered in blood, pus, formadehyde, ash, mud and puke right now, a corpse fell on me and I've been at ground zero of a punch that pulverized half a demi plane. I reserve the right to not be sexy right now."

[Guizonde]

dm: so, raymond, you took a flashbang to the eyes. what do you do?
raymond: there's a hormagaunt about to kill seneschal dagonet, right?
dagonet and dm: yup.
raymond: i aim and fire at the bloody bug, duh.
team: *googly eyes*
ross: you sure about this? you could hit dag'!
raymond: trust me.
dagonet: *muffled profanity*
raymond: *shoots like a friggin' boss*
dm: holy carp! he nailed the shot!
ross: i thought storm troopers were meant to never hit anything!
raymond: that's storm-troopers. i'm o.d.s.t. i get shot out of ships in drop-pods shaped like bullets. if there's one thing i know how to do better than praise the emperor, it's shoot targets.
pastor jace: ... is this a one-off or is raymond always this good?!
dagonet, slightly frantic: prayhe'sgoodprayhe'sgoodprayhe'sgoodprayhe'sgoodpr ayhe'sgood.....

me, post session: 23 shots fired, 21 hits, 7 outright fatal, and still no need to reload...
dm: feels good doesn't it?
me: *giggle like a schoolgirl* you're damn right it does!

dm: hope you guys enjoyed this short session.
pastor jace: i've got a chainsword and roasted tyranids with a flamethrower. it was boring as... aw, hell OF COURSE IT WAS AWESOME YOU DIPSTICK!!

Spoiler: explanations

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it was pastor jace's first session, and he's only familiar with 40k storm troopers as "expensive units not worth their points", contrary to how brutally efficient they truly are. i believe my rp and dice rolls proved how manly the 40k universe is. during the entire fight, i was thinking: when the emperor expects, the emperor protects my dice rolls.

[Ridha]

wow this great. i think your eye can never see your nose...lol some of you will try real hard to look at your nose right

[Beacon of Chaos]

Lucis: This is stupid! You're stupid!
Spectre: Are we still talking in game here or...?

GM: It's space magic. A space wizard did it. Which, for this campaign, really isn't that far-fetched.

Sinclair: You have set space on fire.

GM: Stop offering peace to the NPCs!
Lucis: I just took one of her arms off! This is getting into black knight territory here!
Sinclair: 'tis but a mech wound!

Fauna: A sign lights up on the space station saying "TILT".

Sinclair: Nooooo! Not Faceless Soldier #2! He was my favourite!
GM: That was Faceless Soldier #3, not #2! You didn't know him at all!

Sinclair: ...Now take this! My love! My anger! And all of my circuits!

[Guizonde]

Sinclair: You have set space on fire.

Fauna: A sign lights up on the space station saying "TILT".

Sinclair: Nooooo! Not Faceless Soldier #2! He was my favourite!
GM: That was Faceless Soldier #3, not #2! You didn't know him at all!

oh, to be a fly on the wall during your game...

[Beacon of Chaos]

oh, to be a fly on the wall during your game...

That was a damn good session to be sure. Also there's a campaign diary in my sig, in case you're curious, though you still won't get much context

[bulbaquil]

Hunter: "I pick up the remorhaz and put it on my shoulder."

[Mutazoia]

DM: The door doesn't open.
Barbarian: I back up against the opposite wall, and ram into the door with a shoulder tackle.
DM: Strength roll, please.
Barbarian: *rolls a 3*
DM: The door remains closed, and you hurt your shoulder a little...
Barbarian: Well ****
Bard: I PULL the door open.
DM: It opens....
Barbarian: WTF
DM: Actually, it was supposed to be magically locked, but that was just too good to pass up...

[DigoDragon]

Love: “Wait, wait! This is all going according to plan. She'll let them tire themselves out and then scoop them up.”
Rose: “Two things—1) I don't think they are capable of getting tired. 2) Are you sure the security breech is the CMC?”
GM: “1) They don't. Ever. 2) You're not.”
Rose: “This night is not going to end well for us.”
Love: “Love will pop in with her weapon drawn!”

Love: “What has been unleashed upon the world?”
GM: “Three, immortal, upgraded, and sleepless Cutie Mark Crusaders. They have no need to eat, sleep, or breath. Their batteries will last for a century. And their voices can't get hoarse from shouting anymore.”
Rose: “This feels like a low-grade extinction-level event...”
Sniper: “Well, it was nice knowing you all.”

GM: “Also, guess where the hot tub Sweetie Belle went to is? Guess who's already there and waiting for Rose to come back?”
Rose: “Crap. Love, are the other two AIs with you and Brazen?”
Love: “Sweetie Belle said, ‘I'm gonna jump in the hot tub!’ I told her to be careful. I'm not sure where she went... You don't think she'd go to your room do you?! Pony, I've got to get in on this hot tub action. It must be a real pleasure.”
Song: “Rose, there’s a strange filly in your room. I don’t know how she got in the castle. What do I do with her? She’s in the hot tub and it’s awkward for, um, reason that we don’t need to get into right now!”
Rose: “Sigh. Excuse me.” (*runs off to her room*)

Rose: “Well, I think I'm—”
Sgt. Barrel Roll: “Would one of the oh-so-brilliant lieutenants please report to the command center that they left abandoned! We have a security breach.”
Rose: “—so toasted when the commander hears about this.”

Rose: “I dunno what it is that all my medics end up being the adventurous type that isn't afraid of the front lines if need be.”
GM: “Generally the combat medics let the other ponies get shot and then patch them up.”
Sniper: “Other combat medics are wimps.”

[Gallade]

Orcuc: "I ask of all of you, this most important question...what is the meaning of being 'good'?"
Ricwart: "Find it in yourself to forgive and let go of your hatred."
Trund: "To do anything you can to ensure nobody suffers."
Kenze: "To stay loyal to those you swore to protect, at any personal cost."
Elmin: "To, uh...kill bad guys? Because if you kill everyone who's evil there will be no evil anymore, right?"

[ZeroGear]

@Digo: Tell me, are Rose and Doc related in some odd way? I mean, they’re both medics that hang around lots of mares and have a strange affinity towards prosthetics.

Dlaiah: “If you inject yourself with Succubus blood, I WILL smite you.”

Laurence: “Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?”
Rugar: “Why is there a demon in the bed?”

Rugar: “I chop it off.”
Salish: “Phrasing!”

Brune: “Not until the third date!”

DM: You hear a strange sound, kinda like the popping of suction cups. Oddly, it seems to be in a rythmic pattern, similar to the ticking of a clock.”
Brune: “OH GOD! THE OCTOPUS IS BACK!”

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Steiner: Well, random shady guys in bars distributing rumours have never lead us wrong before!
Cap'n Tempest: ...To be fair, they actually haven't.

GM: Addi, you have a dream...
Steiner: ...That Wizards and Summoners can live in harmony...
Addi: Is this my calling? Is the Nazi party calling me?
Steiner... And screw those mundane guys!

[DigoDragon]

@Digo: Tell me, are Rose and Doc related in some odd way? I mean, they’re both medics that hang around lots of mares and have a strange affinity towards prosthetics.

Years ago when I joined the Fallout Equestria campaign, Doc and Rose were my two character concepts I had made. It really came down to a flip of the coin. That is why they have a lot of similarities; medics, very sociable, awesome ponies.


Rose: “So I guess I can start writing that Doc Wagon/Rose Croix crossover fic now?”
Love: *gasp* “No biting!”
Sniper: “I am forever glad that no one questioned Rainbow Dash's bloody legs.”

Love: “Some things that never happened are going to happen.”
Rose: “Like finally getting those cooking lessons?”
Sniper: “Asking Rose on a date?”
Rose: *spittake*
Love: *gasps* “No biting! Why does this keep happening?!”

Love: “Give Love the world and she'll close the markets!”
Rose: “Nooo, not my 401k!”

Star: “Right now, my biggest problem is keeping my brother from terrorizing those two fillies.”
Love: “Roger. Let him 'em know I have his internet history if he's messing with my sisters.”

Brazen: “Brazen will keep moving until he's south of the stairs for that sweet sweet flank.”

Sniper: “Chainsaws. Why did it have to be chainsaws?”

GM: “She's not looking very happy right now. Mostly because [Brazen’s] hoof has replaced her sternum and a few other essential parts of her body.”
Mirror Pinkie Pie: “You know, most stallions... ask a mare out before sticking parts of themselves inside them.”
Brazen: “What can ah say? Ah'm ah stallion that likes to get to the heart of the matter.”
Mirror Pinkie Pie: “Buck... you... all...”
Brazen: “Pretty sure dinner is supposed to come afore that too.”

Rose: “Dammit Love, this is cutting into our private hot tub scene!”

Brazen: “Ah don't think any of us wanna see a pasted pony.”
Devil on Rose's Shoulder: *waves hoof in the air excitedly*
Love: “No Rose! Doctors aren't allowed to do that.”
Rose's Shoulder Angel: *jumps the devil from behind and grapples*
Love: “Poor devil.”
Rose: “Dunno that you want devil Rose.”
Love: “I'm certainty certain that I do.”

[Joe the Rat]

Even the Spaces In Between Campaigns

DM2: Having run a game, I AM SO SORRY FOR NECROGNOME!
DM1: Enh, GoblinBard is just as bad.

DM2: So how do I make the town less boring?
DM1: Have you considered whores?

DM3: Okay, so what do we have?
DM1: A Russian Orthodox Priest and Robert Johnson in Boston. We're a minister short of a Bar Joke.

[Gallade]

Trund:"That's why I decided to not kill anymore. When the person you kill has a clone and you meet them, things get awkward."

[Beacon of Chaos]

Lucis: Gee, I wonder why the royal family has been making so many bad decisions lately?
Sinclair: Inbreeding.

Spectre: I'm going down to meet him.
Katari: Wait! I frisk him first.
Sinclair: Guns, guns, more guns, a dagger, guns...
Katari: And a grenade hidden up his butt.

Katari: I am a holy man. I am filled with holes.
Sinclair: He is more bullet than man now.

Sinclair: Non, I am only programmed to hand out ze delicious snacks and make snide insults disguised as complements.
Sinclair: Zat is a nice outfit you are wearing, sir.

Lucis: You've just made up like 30 middle names for my character!
GM: Yes, and all of them are real.
Lucis: Great.

Sinclair: Then it's agreed! I hearby declare a royal battle! As such I, Mr. Referee, shall act as referee!

Sinclair: As I recall, the last time we saw Ax's mech it was on fire and it was filled with fire and also made of fire.
Fauna: And parts were falling off it that were being replaced by fire.

Katari: I expect a portal to open up and Fauna's hand to appear through it and slap me.

GM: You dive into the potted plant.

Rival: Well, ****!
Sinclair: We found his catchphrase!

[BladeofObliviom]

From a oneshot cyberpunk game.

Spoiler: Quickie character list

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Ash: Literal combat monster, essentially a relatively personable biohorror. Generally humanoid but with features from at least a dozen or so random animals. Primary ranged combatant.
Berez: Masked Vigilante, goes by "The Jackal" on Ops. Party face, also a fairly powerful psychic.
Catherine: Hacker, Rigger, Smartass. Party's general techie/skillmonkey, a bit of a pyromaniac. Likes dogs, and makes use of a number of digital minions with dog avatars.
Dice: "Robohobo". Full-body Cyborg with a katana, expensive maintenance needs, and no day job. Primary stealth operative and melee combatant.

Dice: "I charge!"
Ash (grenade launcher readied): "Wait, don't go over there, do you WANT a grenade to the face?!"
GM: "One of Dice's Ancestors was a failed kamikaze pilot, and he's been trying to make up for it ever since."
Dice: "...That's canon now."


Catherine: "Oh, I just overheated his brain implants until he fell unconscious, he's not dead."
Ash: "So what, are we going to interrogate him?"
Catherine: "Screw that, I'm going to plug into his brain and have SnoopDog.exe rifle through his files."
SnoopDog.exe: "Fo Shizzle."


Berez: "But did you steal his porn collection?"
Catherine: "He's a Cthulhu Cultist, it's just gonna be tentacles out the wazoo. Of course I made a copy."


Berez: "Sure was nice of the Cultists to deliver us a free Bus."
Catherine: "Ooh! Ooh! Let me drive! I'm good at it and also we should leave before the police wonder what's up with all the gunshots and corpses."


Catherine: "You know, we should consider maybe looking out the windows before walking into ambushes. In the future. Little late now."


Assassin Bot: "CRITICAL ERROR! PLEASE PURCHASE MAINTENANCE DLC TO RESTORE."


Catherine: "Wait, is this subway tunnel even abandoned? Should I have checked the metro schedule to make sure we don't get pulped?"


Dice: "Omae Wa Mou Shindeiru!"
Berez: "Of course he is, you chopped him in half!"


Catherine: "I went to all the trouble of remotely disabling their guns and then they died before they could not shoot us. That's just disappointing."


Ash: "...AND YOU'RE A ****. THAT MEANS YOU HAVE **** GUTS!"


Catherine: "Why is everyone obsessed with *****?"


*Catherine crits with a neural hack*
Berserker: "Tis but a Scratch!" *Faints* "...muh diiiiiiiick..."
Catherine: "What even is your deal?!"


Berez: "I guess I can read his mind, he probably knows how to get past the door."
Catherine: "Feel free. I don't really wanna root through this guy's brain. For reasons."
Ash: "**** reasons?"
Catherine: "I've heard more than enough for today, thank you."


Catherine: "You know, it feels vaguely insensitive to just stand here debating whether this is a trap or not."
Dice: "Oh, right. Yeah, I'll walk over and unchain the screaming ten-year-old from the sacrificial altar."


DoggieHowserMD.exe: "The symptoms ruffly match schizophrenia, though the case is unusual. I have nothing cute to add to this diagnosis."
Catherine: "Aw, but I rely on you TO be cute. Also to stitch up bullet wounds. But cutely."


Ash: Wait, is this even the right kid? Do we know what he looks like?
Berez: ...Good question. Hold on a second.
Berez (texting employer): Mr. Turbanguy: A picture of your child please?
Catherine: "Uh...phrasing?"
Berez (texting employer): ...For Investigative Purposes only
Dice: "That isn't better!"
Berez (texting employer): Dice wants it
Dice: "Oh, throw me under the bus! I see how it is."


Catherine: "How did we get ambushed again? Are we all blind and deaf? These guys are wearing power armor. Power Armor!"


Dice: "WHY WON'T YOU DIE."
Berez: "It's a good question, that vibro-Katana can beat tank armor."


Berez: "Huh, I thought harakiri was supposed to be self-inflicted."
Ash: "...Can we deep-fry that?"


Catherine: "And here I was worried I wouldn't get to try this baby out!"
*Oneshots remaining Boss Enemy with ridiculous flamer crit*
Ash: "Oh wow, you CAN deep-fry it!"

[Mutazoia]

Catherine: "He's a Cthulhu Cultist, it's just gonna be tentacles out the wazoo. Of course I made a copy."

...I'm pretty sure that's "tentacles IN the wazoo"

[Calthropstu]

...I'm pretty sure that's "tentacles IN the wazoo"

...
Probably both.

[kopout]

GnomeBard: This interigation isn't getting anywhere. He can't understand me so I can't get across anything more advanced then "You stink fish guy!"

DM: You notice their are no boats in the harbor, not even a dingy and the town looks overgrown.
GnomeBard: The disaster got here before us this time, we took to long at the other town and it got tired of waiting.

GnomeBard: No, the trees are the racists.

[Guizonde]

raymond: ok, padré. you just hook up the tube charges like that, this, that, and yank the det-cord once we're all in the clear. got it?
jace: uh... *fumbles. badly*
*horrendous kablooie*
dagonet: welp, i'm k.o.... again.
jace: that's the last time i listen to you! i thought you said you had demolition experience!
raymond: i was team leader! i had demolition experts to boss around!
dm: and i can see why he put that in the plural!

dm: a nearly 3m tall humanoid shape made of metal comes out of the clearing smoke.
raymond: *fumbles knowledge* MAN OF IRON!! MAN OF IRON!!
mister ecks: worse! it's a necron!
jace: NECRON! NECRON! *beat* what the hell is a necron?!
dm: you see six very confused humans in front of you.
necron: what the hell is a human?!

raymond: sangre de la virgen!
dm: i'm pretty sure he looks up expressions in weird dialects just for these sessions.

ross *hiding behind a barrel*: is it friendly?
lux: move over until we know for sure! *hides behind the same barrel*

raymond: ok, respounchous, what's your name?
necron: are you nobility?
raymond: yes! *shows letters of nobility*
necron: call me "lord", meatbag.
raymond: right-o, respounchous.

(to wit, that's basically calling someone "longshanks").

necron: i'll carry your injured teammate, meatbag.
dagonet: i really hope i sleep through this.
jace: goodbye, dag', nice knowing you!

dm: last rites are not administered via bolt pistol!
dagonet: thank goodness!

dm: a wild zoanthrope appears! your demolition charges woke it from its nap. it's cranky aaaaand... hits ross.
ross: aw crud. *warp blast* that hurts like hell!
dagonet: thank you for being my shield this time around!

raymond: oh, that has got to die.... MIREPOIX!! *crits repeatedly*
dm: you know your hellgun is the reason i throw big monsters at you guys, right?
raymond: the battle-cry does most of the work.

dagonet: yay! i'm awake!
jace: *slapping dagonet silly* wake! up! dag! it's! time! to! fight!
dagonet: i am awake!

ross: i'm awake now too!
jace: *slaps him silly anyway*
ross: why'd you slap me?!
jace: consistency.

drunk ork: *loud burp* wan' sum, 'umie?
dm: he offers his tankard.
raymond: *sniffs* that's refined prometheum!!
jace: think i can steal his bottle? i'm low on flamer fuel.

raymond: i saw my teammate come back from the brink of death twice. i've fragged critters i didn't even know existed, we're best friends with a 10ft tall metal monster from before time immemorial, and a drunk ork is offering me a drink of prom' speaking high gothic better than i can! i'm either too sober or too drunk to deal with this!
jace: maybe you're just tired!
dagonet: i know i'm not, i've slept through 9 of the 11 hours of the mission!

jace: we're not killing those mercs! they're allies of the holy imperium of mankind!
dagonet: for all you know, they're cultists and worshippers of chaos.
jace *readying flamer*: purge the unclean!$

*big explosion*
jace and raymond in chorus: not my fault!!

[Gallade]

"Here's the short version: this guy is about to be named a honorary hero for defeating a horde of devil, but he's actually their associate and also kidnapped scores of people to do research on them and empower the weapon the devils gave him. We have to crash his party, get him away from the other guests, stage a public riot so half the guards are drawn away from the castle, use our contacts in the military to get the other half away, taunt him into using the weapon, then teleport him where everyone can see it."
Geralt:"What kind of convoluted plan is that? I can't even follow half of it."
Root:"That's why I and Lucian come up with the plans."
Geralt:"Hey, I come up with a lot of good plans too!"
Lucian:"Except all of your plans are pretty much 'Get the jump on them -> ??? -> Profit' "


Geralt:"Wait, Clara is the only woman in Rathos by now, pretty much."
Root:"Well, unless you count the old crone from the church, the vampire, the cultist twins, the little girl from the village..."
Geralt:"As in, LIVING woman."
Root:(Ruminates a few seconds)"...whoa, you're right. Wherever we go, chicks be dyin' yo."