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2012-09-07, 01:57 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Jan 2012
Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
There've been a lot of "The Dumbest Monsters of D&D" comedy lists on the internet, so I fgiured, why don't we do a topic on the other comically ludicrous stuff from D&D's history, such as magic items, races, setting bits, spells/class abilities, you name it!
I'll start with a few ridiculous magic items I've encountered over the years:
Bagpipes of th Damned: From the Libris Mortis, why oh why did they choose that of all instruments to give the "Play this and your summoned undead get +4 Turn Resistance" power to? Couldn't they have given this to an instrument with more dignity, like a fiddle or a horn?
Vasharan Offal Bag: From The Book of Vile Darkness, it's essentially a giant bag of poop that summons a giant cockroach once a day. And it's made by this uber-evil race of humans who really, really should've at least been more creative than "Crap in a bag+make it magic = ROACHIE!". Though Sloth is a deadly sin...
THE NIPPLE CLAMP OF EXQUISITE PAIN!: Also from The Book of Vile Darkness. When I hear that item's name, I don't so much think "Evilly perverse sociopath" as "Insane wizard who really, really needs to get laid."
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2012-09-07, 02:06 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2009
Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
Favored by tem-et-nu, a feat from sandstorm, gives you the ability to rebuke, get this, hippopotami. That's right, you get the ability to rebuke freakin' hippo's.
Plus, if you lose Tem-et-nu's favor, you take damage as if bitten by a hippo. That's right, anger your god and the "spirit of the hippo" chomps your butt.
How stupid is that?Last edited by Kelb_Panthera; 2012-09-07 at 02:07 AM.
I am not seaweed. That's a B.
Praise I've received A quick outline on building a homebrew campaign
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2012-09-07, 02:33 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Jun 2011
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- A Cabin in the Woods
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2012-09-07, 02:33 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2010
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- Harmondale
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Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
Magic items in Eberron campaign setting. Caster level requirements compared to actual caster's level in Eberron is beyond stupid.
More on Eberron - a very experienced (several years of war) and powerful general is level five or lower...
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2012-09-07, 03:44 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Jun 2011
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Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
Projects: Homebrew, Gentlemen's Agreement, DMPCs, Forbidden Knowledge safety, and Top Ten Worst. Also, Quotes and RACSD are good.
Anyone knows blue is for sarcas'ing in · "Take 10 SAN damage from Dark Orchid" · Use of gray may indicate nitpicking · Green is sincerity
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2012-09-07, 04:17 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Nov 2006
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- Melbourne, Australia
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2012-09-07, 04:33 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2010
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- Harmondale
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2012-09-07, 04:38 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Jan 2009
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Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
Classic D&D had an NPC called Prince Brannart MacGregor, a Scottish lich who ruled a principality in a kingdom of magic. Those bagpipes were made for him.
Stupid class feature from Sandstorm is the sand shaper, who could make a ridiculously hard DC check that could take an hour or more, to shape sand for a matter of minutes.Last edited by Ashtagon; 2012-09-07 at 04:40 AM.
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2012-09-07, 06:26 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2009
Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
I am not seaweed. That's a B.
Praise I've received A quick outline on building a homebrew campaign
Avatar by Tiffanie Lirle
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2012-09-07, 07:26 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2010
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- Dallas, TX
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2012-09-07, 07:26 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Jul 2005
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- SW England
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2012-09-07, 07:33 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Nov 2009
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Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
What's undignified is that they made it boost undead, instead of giving all your allies within hearing a free use of Rage along with Endurance, or Diehard if they already have endurance.
Fun little fact: Most uses of bardic music don't have a cap on allies affected, it's just "All allies who can hear the bard play". I picked Bagpipes for my Bard/Marshal/Legendary leader, because you can hear Bagpipes from forever and a day away. The Artillary can get bonus to hit while you're in melee halfway across the field.
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2012-09-07, 08:19 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2009
Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
I am not seaweed. That's a B.
Praise I've received A quick outline on building a homebrew campaign
Avatar by Tiffanie Lirle
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2012-09-07, 01:40 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2007
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- Orlando, FL
Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
There are high level casters in Eberron. Most of them are just evil. Or dead. *cough*MordaintheFleshweaver*cough*
More on Eberron - a very experienced (several years of war) and powerful general is level five or lower...
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2012-09-07, 01:53 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Feb 2007
Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
Duergar Beard Quills in 4e.
Edit: sorry, "non-monster" stupidity. My apologies.Last edited by Ashdate; 2012-09-07 at 02:17 PM.
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2012-09-07, 02:34 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jan 2012
Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
I'd have to disagree with you there. If there's anything one should know about hippos, it is that they will @$%# you up if you mess with them. They've got massively sharp teeth, body like a tank made of meat, and a brutal sense of territoriality. There's a reason they're the large mammal responsible for the most fatalities in Africa.
And also, on those bagpipes, I guess it's because when you think "Silly instruments," Bagpipes are the second thing that comes to mind, right after the accordion. Although, an accordion-based magic item would be good for making a "Weird Al As A Bard" PC, which would probably the bet character concept in the history of anything.
Plus, on the stupid magic item front, there's also that KKK level racist anti-drow bow from Weapons of Legacy, whose name I forget. In fact, I find the concept of specific weapons made to exterminate certain races (Like goblins or ogres) to be kind of disturbing. It'd be like if we had a +2 Shotgun of Killing Mexicans or a +5 Machete of Die Whitey Die in real life. Though that's less "comically stupid" than "disturbingly stupid".Last edited by tbok1992; 2012-09-07 at 03:32 PM.
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2012-09-07, 03:49 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2008
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Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
While it's true that hippos are amazingly badass and dangerous in real life Africa, they're not that dangerous in dnd. Also how many times have you ever seen a hippo when roleplaying? You're not likely to hear someone say "If we only could have turned one of those hippos our party wouldn't have been wiped out.".
Last edited by Poil; 2012-09-07 at 03:50 PM.
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Constipated Lizard Slayer
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2012-09-07, 03:59 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jun 2011
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Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
You would be right, except that it's listed in a different section from the prerequisites, separated by a semicolon.
Also, the notational entry for Caster Level says this:Originally Posted by SRD Magic Item BasicsOriginally Posted by SRD Magic Item BasicsProjects: Homebrew, Gentlemen's Agreement, DMPCs, Forbidden Knowledge safety, and Top Ten Worst. Also, Quotes and RACSD are good.
Anyone knows blue is for sarcas'ing in · "Take 10 SAN damage from Dark Orchid" · Use of gray may indicate nitpicking · Green is sincerity
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2012-09-07, 04:40 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Nov 2010
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2012-09-07, 05:21 PM (ISO 8601)
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- May 2012
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Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
Don't know much about supplement stuff, but Hand of the Mage always bothered me, even when I first learned about it as a kid.
Trying to imagine someone adventuring with a lobbed off, mummified hand around their neck so they can lift 5 pound objects with their mind just seems bizarre.
I picture some NPC kid running up to the wearer, going "Sir... why are you wearing a chopped off hand?", at which point the wearer launches the kid's hat 15 feet away and snarls, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW? THIS IS TRUE POWER!"
Just seems ridiculous.Last edited by Rallicus; 2012-09-07 at 05:21 PM.
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2012-09-07, 05:29 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2009
Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
While all this is true, IRL, in D&D hippo's are isolated to a single terain type and have to compete with magical beasts and dragons. Then there's the fact that the feat, unique in all of 3.5, gives you the ability to rebuke/command, not just animals; one of the weakest creature types; but one specific type of animal, making it one of the weakest feats in 3.5. Even in sandstorm it kind of jumps out as an odd duck and kind of random.
And also, on those bagpipes, I guess it's because when you think "Silly instruments," Bagpipes are the second thing that comes to mind, right after the accordion. Although, an accordion-based magic item would be good for making a "Weird Al As A Bard" PC, which would probably the bet character concept in the history of anything.
Plus, on the stupid magic item front, there's also that KKK level racist anti-drow bow from Weapons of Legacy, whose name I forget. In fact, I find the concept of specific weapons made to exterminate certain races (Like goblins or ogres) to be kind of disturbing. It'd be like if we had a +2 Shotgun of Killing Mexicans or a +5 Machete of Die Whitey Die in real life. Though that's less "comically stupid" than "disturbingly stupid".
Racism in fantasy is based in the knowledge that there are some "races" of people, though species would be more accurate, that are naturally inclined to try and kill you because it sounds like fun.
Fantasy racism has a little more validity than its RL counterpart, and is thus less disturbing, IMO.
To quote a webcomic, "If I was going to be racist, I'd pick the race that was most likely to tear out my spine, for the fun of it, too."
Btw, "machete of 'die whitey, die,'" made me snort with laughter. I'm caucasian and inclined toward dark humor.I am not seaweed. That's a B.
Praise I've received A quick outline on building a homebrew campaign
Avatar by Tiffanie Lirle
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2012-09-07, 05:42 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2011
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- The States
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Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
Yo, dudezles, check this one oouuuuutttt /Skaterdude
It costs less to purchase a ten foot ladder than a ten foot pole.
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2012-09-07, 06:36 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2005
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- Danville
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2012-09-07, 07:13 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2012
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2012-09-07, 07:21 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Feb 2005
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Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
NOW COMPLETE: Let's Play Starcraft II Trilogy:
Hell, It's About Time: Wings of Liberty
Does This Mutation Make Me Look Fat: Heart of the Swarm
My Life For Aiur? I Barely Know 'Er: Legacy of the Void
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2012-09-07, 07:37 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2005
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- Danville
Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
That just makes it more problematic. A ladder requires much more craftsmanship and time to make, whereas a ten foot pole is equivalent to a polished tree branch. It would be like an automobile that was cheaper than a wooden plank with wheels on it -- a low-end skateboard.
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2012-09-07, 07:42 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Nov 2010
Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
I want to play in this campaign.
It's also an Elf hand, specifically. So the next Dwarf I'm playing will wear a Hand of the Mage, which he personally chopped off an Elf and had mummified into a magic item. The Elf is probably still running around somewhere with only 1 hand.
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2012-09-07, 09:01 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2005
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- Heidelberg, Germany
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Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
Spoiler: PbP
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2012-09-07, 09:15 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2010
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- Australia
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Re: Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D
Spoiler: Old Avatar by Aruiushttp://i133.photobucket.com/albums/q56/Zeritho/Koboldbard.png
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2012-09-07, 11:18 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Oct 2010
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- United States
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