Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

[AMFV]

In all seriousness, I have some social anxiety issues and such at flirting (autism, *sigh*). So yeah, I am kinda really nervous about it, especially the idea that somebody might flirt with me (I mean, it's not like I'm that attractive, but some people have weird tastes). It's just been years since I was last in this situation, kind of tended to avoid large society socials when doing my degree.

One thing that can sometime help is a little bit of social lubricant, if you're so inclined. I mean don't get sloshed or anything, but a couple drinks can really help with social anxiety and make you more confident. Now that's not always good advice but if it's a party that might help. I'd try practicing that with a friend, first though. So try a couple beers and see what that does for you.

Although if you don't drink that won't help.

[Form]

This confuses me. It sounds like you're criticizing me for preferring a more friends-to-lovers approach to dating.

I mean, if someone doesn't like being in limbo, they could... y'know... just ask for a date?

My point isn't to criticize you, but things are less simple and straightforward than you're making them out to be. At least in my experience. Let me clarify: A lot of women still expect men to take the initiative, but also expect to preserve a certain level of plausible deniability and ambiguity. So yeah, one could be straightforward and explicit right from the start and that's probably the best way to go, but this often does not conform to the expections of a lot of women. So as a guy you basically have to take the initiative, invest a lot of time and effort in courtship to prove yourself and all the while you're not quite allowed to clarify things because the expectation is that ambiguity must be preserved. That is not a fun situation to be in, but it is the reality for a lot of men.

Uhhh. Yeah. I'm gonna stay out of the gendered misery contest. It's not gonna end well.

I'm not making this a contest? It isn't. The concerns of group A do not invalidate the concerns of group B regardless of which concerns are worse. I'm just pointing out that, while it doesn't invalidate the concerns women have in any way, this one thing is something that heavily favors women.

Allow me to share a story of my own to better clarify where I'm coming from. Years ago a woman who knew I was into her asked me on a 'sort of' date (note the ambiguity). I didn't take go for it right away, but I asked for clarification the day after and got confirmation that it was meant to be a date. So I suggested a date myself then and there and I took care to be straightforward and explicit (e.g. use the word 'date') and she consented. There was no misunderstanding or ambiguity there. Yet one or two weeks later she pretended as if we never had that conversation to begin with. Even though there was no ambiguity, this woman still pretended there was and exploited it for her own benefit at my expense. I didn't call her out on this, because there simply didn't seem a point to it, but you can imagine that this sort of thing is very frustrating and left me without any sort of recourse.

Now this may be a more extreme example, but this isn't an isolated case. This kind of behavior and the underlying attitude is something I've encountered and seen time and again. This is the sort of thing I was talking about when I responded to you.

[Anonymouswizard]

One thing that can sometime help is a little bit of social lubricant, if you're so inclined. I mean don't get sloshed or anything, but a couple drinks can really help with social anxiety and make you more confident. Now that's not always good advice but if it's a party that might help. I'd try practicing that with a friend, first though. So try a couple beers and see what that does for you.

Although if you don't drink that won't help.

Picnic unfortunately, so it'll depend on the type of punch provided. Turning up to a picnic tipsy not only reeks of alcholism, but it's also terribly impolite (which is significantly worse). So maybe if people bring alcohol, I'll be checking with my friend later about what sort of stuff I should bring to not be that jerk (I've got tomorrow after three off, so it might be baking time).

If it was a party I'd need to be absolutely trousered to get through it. Can't stand that level of noise unless I'm utterly tumbled.


On 'guys are expected to blah blah blah': in my honest opinion somebody who isn't up for you being honest and saying you want to go on a date or 'insert tab a into slot b' (that's how sex works right? Don't know personally) isn't worth spending the time on. Your opinion may differ, but it's not really a date/relationship/romance until there's agreement on both sides.

[FinnLassie]

Any tips on getting rid of the "hopeless romantic" trait?

Cause I'm just so done with my crap.

[Tvtyrant]

Any tips on getting rid of the "hopeless romantic" trait?

Cause I'm just so done with my crap.

I don't know what that term means. Care to elaborate?

[Liquor Box]

I don't know what that term means. Care to elaborate?

I think it's a reference to a game called The Sims:
https://www.carls-sims-3-guide.com/t...ssromantic.php

I can understand why FinnLassie wants to be rid of it - reading romance novels strikes me as boring.

[FinnLassie]

I don't know what that term means. Care to elaborate?

A romantic fool. Always searching for love/romance. Addicted. Life without love is a tragedy. Jumping into relationships fast because the rose tinted glasses get in the way. I can't recall not having a crush/partner/urgent need for one in the past 10 years or so; basically since I became interested in that world of wonders.

I think it's a reference to a game called The Sims:
https://www.carls-sims-3-guide.com/t...ssromantic.php

I can understand why FinnLassie wants to be rid of it - reading romance novels strikes me as boring.

... not really, even though I have like 5000 hours of the Sims franchise under my belt.

What?

[Tvtyrant]

A romantic fool. Always searching for love/romance. Addicted. Life without love is a tragedy. Jumping into relationships fast because the rose tinted glasses get in the way. I can't recall not having a crush/partner/urgent need for one in the past 10 years or so; basically since I became interested in that world of wonders.

Ah. I have the opposite problem myself, the idea of a romantic attachment holds no particular interest to me and I feel somewhat left out by my own lack of interest.

Is the rest of your life going well? Are you perhaps filling a hole somewhere else?

[Liquor Box]

On the Glass Mouse vs Form debate about being explicit that you are asking for a date, and being more coy, I think that a lot of the disconnect may come down to different cultures.

Different cultures have very different perspectives about how much should be said and how much should remain unsaid. This is particularly true in a dating context where there are a lot of social norms about how things are done. Both Glass Mouse and Form (or anyone else) can only be coming from the perspective of their own preferences/understanding of the norms that apply to the way their own corner of society works (which may be smaller or larger depending on how diverse their experience is).

I am sure that there are some contexts/cultures/social groups, where ambiguity is preferred and being too direct might cause a person who would otherwise have been keen to be put off, and others where explicitness is preferred. Likewise, there are cultures where touching is expected, and the failure to touch (even with passing acquaintances in non-social situations) is considered cold or unfriendly, and other cultures where touching (outside maybe a handshake) does not happen at all unless people are close.

Unfortunately that is not very helpful to people seeking advice on how to interpret something in their life. I suggest that the advice on here can still be helpful, but read comments from people with different perspectives, and be aware that the advice given by some, while completely accurate in their own circumstances, may not apply to your ciorcmstances.

[Anymage]

On 'guys are expected to blah blah blah': in my honest opinion somebody who isn't up for you being honest and saying you want to go on a date or 'insert tab a into slot b' (that's how sex works right? Don't know personally) isn't worth spending the time on.

Unfortunately advice seems to come in two flavors. Based on how people would react if they acted like they want to believe they do, and based on how they act in the real world. You can chose which set you want to listen to.

Any tips on getting rid of the "hopeless romantic" trait?

Cause I'm just so done with my crap.

Some of the best people I've known made it work for them. They got good at putting the magic into scenarios/moments on their own, so they didn't need to be absolutely twitterpated with someone else just to get their fix. It's more work on their end, but knowing how the sausage gets made - and how to make their own damn sausage - gave them a lot more control than just following whatever gave them a happy.

That or debug mode. But I can't seem to figure out how to open a command console on the real life engine.

[Lissou]

Just wanted to drop in and give everyone news.

I don't remember if I mentioned it, but I told a guy at work that I liked him. Which was a big understatement. The first time I saw him I literally forgot how to breathe. I know he's not a stereotypical model and at the same time I am so incredibly attracted to him.
For the first couple weeks I kind of avoided being around him too much because I couldn't make sense of how I was feeling, I had never been attracted so quickly and so strongly. When I realised what it was I panicked a little and tried to learn more about him in the hope of learning something I didn't like a be free of that huge crush.

Anyway, that didn't work out, we chatted a while, I told him how I felt, he was flattered but not interested. He agreed to stay friends though. This was six months ago.
We're still friends. I'm still incredibly attracted to him, and he's an amazing person in so many ways, but I also know nothing is going to happen and I'm really glad I was able to be friends with him because he's a great friend.

I thought you guys may want to hear some happy stuff for a change. Being friends after being rejected is possible. I don't regret letting him know because I'd probably still be wondering otherwise, so under the circumstances (him not being interested), this is the best possible outcome.

[VoxRationis]

Picnic unfortunately, so it'll depend on the type of punch provided. Turning up to a picnic tipsy not only reeks of alcholism, but it's also terribly impolite (which is significantly worse).

For what it's worth, wine is often brought to picnics. It might be bad form to show up tipsy, but it's reasonably acceptable to attain such a state once there.

[Glass Mouse]

Spoilered because I'm sure there's not a huge forum-wide demand for my long ramblings on cultural norms.

Spoiler: spoilz

Show

Now this may be a more extreme example, but this isn't an isolated case. This kind of behavior and the underlying attitude is something I've encountered and seen time and again. This is the sort of thing I was talking about when I responded to you.

Ah, alright, I think I get your point.

Though I'm really not sure the ambiguous culture favors women any more than the explicit dating cultures do. I mean, if men aren't allowed to disambiguate, then women aren't either, and so most women are equally confused and trying to parse out interest.

Men having to take the initiative is a complicated thing. On one hand, it creates more work for men. On the other hand, it takes power away from women and leaves them scrambling to beam out subtle clues that no one gets. And, interestingly, mathematically it can be shown that this situation (well; a similar, algorithmically modellable situation) means that more men end up with their higher picks than women do.

So, I mean, men having to take the initiative sucks for everyone, and comes with advantages for everyone, regardless of whether you're allowed to be explicit or not.

But I hear you, and I hadn't considered that specific issue of the ambiguous cultures.


On cultural dating ambiguity specifically

I think, at least in my neck of the woods (Denmark), part of the issue with asking for a "date" is that it's actually asking for some level of commitment. In the US, a date seems to be a first step in parsing out interest. Here, it's something you do only if strong mutual interest already exists. Hell, you could make the argument that dating is only for couples. There is kind of an unstated expectation that you start with friendship and build from there. And that's not just my preference, it's a cultural thing. We don't even have a modern word for "dating", we've just imported the American term.
So I can understand people balking at going on a date-date early in the sussing-out process. Which is important background knowledge if someone wants to date in Northern Europe.

But this is also changing rapidly. Things like tinder are efficiently making people more comfortable meeting up explicitly for romance and sex. I've definitely seen a shift in the last ten years.

And even in this ambiguous context, people do state their interest explicitly all. The. Time. It's just slightly later in the process and doesn't tend to involve the word "date". If you want to move from friendship to courtship in this context, you still have to use your words somehow, or be really good at escalating flirting until both people are on the same page. We just have fewer scripts for going from strangers to datepartners partly because, here, talking to total strangers is somewhere between weird and rude.

But it's tough to navigate. I came to this thread 2-3 years ago asking how to ask someone on a date if I can't use the word date and, interestingly, received an overwhelming amount of advice echoing exactly what I'm espousing today - just go for it, use clear words if you need to, have fun! For me, as someone who doesn't actually do subtlety very well, it was extremely useful advice, and I've followed it in later cases.

So I kinda get how this culture can be so frustrating, especially if you're a person who prefers direct communication. It always sucks to have personal preferences that aren't aligned with cultural norms.


On date definitions and bluntness

So. Yeah, there's a lot of things about the explicit dating cultures I don't really "get", and I'm definitely oblivious to most dating cultures around the world (even something as close as the Middle East would leave me stumped). But I've personally drawn a lot of knowledge from American sources, so I'm probably somewhere in the middle in terms of personal behavior.

That said, when I claim that nothing is a date unless explicitly stated to be so, I'm defining a date thusly: a mutual activity where both parties either enjoy each other's company in a romantic fashion, or try to escalate a romantic connection. Note that "try to suss out romantic interest" is not on the list, since I assume that a yes to the date implies at least a baseline of romantic interest. I don't know, maybe this betrays my cultural bias (do Americans actually agree to dates with people they have zero interest in (yet)?).

To me, sussing out someone's interest and escalating intimacy are two different goals with somewhat-overlapping behaviors. However you do flirting, it's a useful tool in both instances. But the baseline expectations are different. If a mutual attraction has been established (either explicitly or through correct interpretation of the other person's behavior), things like touching and sexual conversation topics are on the table. Otherwise, probably not.

It's a bit of an arbitrary divide, I know. Like I said, I've done my share of figuring out attraction through escalation. And flirting is awesome as a two-for-one deal in this regard.

I just think, if dating is a daunting endeavor, and you have no idea how to flirt or to behave around a crush, the simplified model is more helpful than the "suss it out through charm and intuition" model. People who like you will not mind. People who don't like you will be happy they can be clear. People who would've needed you to be all suave and flirty probably wouldn't have fallen for you anyway (if you have the skills to flirt that well, you have already skipped this entire conversation because you don't need it). People who like 'em awkward and bumbling are gonna love you.

So I suppose I'm arguing more from a perspective of trying to make things more easy and more fun for those of us who don't do ambiguity and charm very well. If you're down for ambiguity, great, go do that. If it stresses you out, just be blunt.

Whether that's useful to anyone but me, I don't know. All we can do is share what we've done successfully and then hope we aren't just crazy outliers.

On the Glass Mouse vs Form debate about being explicit that you are asking for a date, and being more coy, I think that a lot of the disconnect may come down to different cultures.

Actually, I think Form and I are closer to each other culturally than we are to most playgrounders (Netherlands and Scandinavia, respectively).

Other than that, I absolutely agree with the rest of your post. The point of threads like this is for people to pick and choose what applies to them, what makes sense to them, and what works for them.

'insert tab a into slot b' (that's how sex works right? Don't know personally)

Ooh ooh! I know this one! Tab A is the foot, right?

[dehro]

Ooh ooh! I know this one! Tab A is the foot, right?

only if your kink threshold is over 9000! ducks under his desk to avoid random projectiles thrown in his direction*

[Anonymouswizard]

Unfortunately advice seems to come in two flavors. Based on how people would react if they acted like they want to believe they do, and based on how they act in the real world. You can chose which set you want to listen to.

Sure, I'll admit that in our imperfect world advice is hard.

But that's why I tend to assume the worst these days (the other reason has been explained in this thread, and I still feel like an ******** for it). If you assume the other person doesn't think it's a date and later ask them out on one then the worst you have to do is explain yourself. I mean heck, I once went through three months of not telling somebody I had a crush on them (okay, I went through it twice, university), and since then I've tried to admit it as soon as I start being friends with somebody.

I admitted to my ex that I liked her after getting coffee as friends, so I have to admit that being direct does sometimes work.

But I hate, hate the idea people should be subtle about this or expect me to pick up hints. My autism already gives me enough problems reading people, don't expect me to pick up even if you beat me over the head with it. Preferably give it to me in writing, using the simplest terms possible, and be ready to answer my questions. I mean, even if somebody gets that they like me into my head I can be insecure about due to my difficulties reading people.

I thought you guys may want to hear some happy stuff for a change. Being friends after being rejected is possible. I don't regret letting him know because I'd probably still be wondering otherwise, so under the circumstances (him not being interested), this is the best possible outcome.

Totally. I've previously gone on 'the friend zone is a wonderful thing' rants.

Spoiler

Show

My first proper proper crush was a Chinese girl about 6-7 years older than me, who I met through her boyfriend. Not that I knew that at the time, they were very hush hush about it. I spent months keeping quiet and tearing myself up about it.

The person who convinced me to tell her was her boyfriend, who couldn't care that I liked his partner. I went to their wedding later that year, I'd still be in touch with her if she was contactable (I am in contact with her husband though). It hasn't worked out for my other crushes, but that's more because they didn't want to try and remain friends and she did.

For what it's worth, wine is often brought to picnics. It might be bad form to show up tipsy, but it's reasonably acceptable to attain such a state once there.

True, and a lot of them are students...

Actually, that just put me off drining there at all.

Ooh ooh! I know this one! Tab A is the foot, right?

I don't know, is there an insturction manual available?

[Glass Mouse]

Preferably give it to me in writing, using the simplest terms possible, and be ready to answer my questions. I mean, even if somebody gets that they like me into my head I can be insecure about due to my difficulties reading people.

I'm starting to think there's a million-dollar business idea in "do you like me [ ] yes [ ] no. PS I mean like-like, like, face-smushing like" business cards...

[FinnLassie]

Ah. I have the opposite problem myself, the idea of a romantic attachment holds no particular interest to me and I feel somewhat left out by my own lack of interest.

Is the rest of your life going well? Are you perhaps filling a hole somewhere else?

I am dead honest tired with the idea that there's some holes to fill, especially when it comes in the context of relationships and romance. ffs

[Tvtyrant]

I am dead honest tired with the idea that there's some holes to fill, especially when it comes in the context of relationships and romance. ffs

Okay, no problem. I retract my comment.

[lio45]

I don't know, is there an insturction manual available?

lol :) well, basically, there's at least 3 different orifices, and as to what can be inserted in them... sky's the limit!

(also, not sure if the contempory "filling a hole" separate discussion is just a parallel thing here, or simply a coincidence!...)


In all seriousness though, you don't need to worry, when it comes to that point it's pretty much a given that your partner will be understanding and you two will move at your own pace / discover what you like and don't.

[Anonymouswizard]

In all seriousness though, you don't need to worry, when it comes to that point it's pretty much a given that your partner will be understanding and you two will move at your own pace / discover what you like and don't.

Oh I know, but it's still unsettling to be nearly 23 and know that most of your friends have done it.

Plus I'm allowed to make fun of my own virginity, I'm actually a lot less upset about it than I sometimes pretend (I mean, if I really wanted to lose it I could probably manage it, it's not like I'm that unattractive.)

[sktarq]

Any tips on getting rid of the "hopeless romantic" trait?

Cause I'm just so done with my crap.

Honestly It is kinda like breaking up with someone. Just that someone is a set of ideas on romance, your self definition, etc instead of a another person, defining yourself as part of a couple unit, etc.

Part one is getting out and socializing w/o it. Getting busy with hobbies, etc. In a lot of ways this will have a lot of overlap with the "are you using romance to fill holes/ cover other problems?" field. And even if it

Part two is growing a replacement relationship with the idea of relationships. Figuring out what you want from a relationship, or what is that you need that you look for in romance that leads you to problematic situation (maybe you just need a feeling of security and cuddles-and a troupe of close friends/pets could well be better for that), And basically practice whatever you come up with... This is in part a fake-it-till-you-make-it situation. Asking now also gives frame to compare to when the rose tinted shades hit.

[Liquor Box]

Actually, I think Form and I are closer to each other culturally than we are to most playgrounders (Netherlands and Scandinavia, respectively).

Other than that, I absolutely agree with the rest of your post. The point of threads like this is for people to pick and choose what applies to them, what makes sense to them, and what works for them.

I wasn't thinking of only cultural divides because of being from different places - although that is probably the main and most obvious one. Even within a particular country I believe there would be some vastly different cultural norms amongst different groups. For example, people of different religions within a country, or people of different generations. I don't know, but it strikes me as possible that Danes who are baby boomers have a slightly different perspective on dating to Danes who are millennials. My experience of my own country (which is smaller than Denmark) is that there are quite diverse attitudes to dating amongst different people, although the differences are not so pronounced as comparing, say, an average Brazilian to an average Japanese.

[Anonymouswizard]

So I'm considering returning to online dating, after Friday consisted of people mainly ignoring me due to being overstressed from exams.

Any tips on not being completely ignored? While still keeping to 'be myself' of course.

[qechua]

Any tips on not being completely ignored? While still keeping to 'be myself' of course.

As someone who is very in the geek territory, and spent some considerable time searching for someone

1) Get someone else to take photos of you, preferably someone good.

More candid shots work better than staged stuff, although feel free to have a mix of each. Basically, though, next time you do things, ask a friend to take some photos of you, because good self-photography is really difficult. Include at least one head/shoulder shot, and one full body, and don't go topless/bikini unless it suits the situation (beach etc). Show, don't tell comes in, if you have a cool looking hobby (in my case, archery), get a shot of that as well.

As an addition, get the other people to pick the photos of you as well. If you're anything like me, you'll be so overly picky with pictures that you'll hate them all. Putting it as a Facebook profile pic is a good test for an image.

2) Be concise

A lot of people will be reading a lot of profiles. No need to go full tweet size, but try not to exceed more than 200 words. You can leave some things out if they are minor so you can concentrate on the bigger things, consider the smaller lot good fodder for actual dates.

3) Read what they write

Of particular note for men, when writing a message to someone, read their profile and ask questions from it. Be as specific as what they wrote, so if they say they read, ask what their favourite books are, while if they say they love a particular book (series), try to ask questions about that (although don't fake it). Your message really needs to stand out if you want a response, leading to...

4) Be ready to be ignored

Sorry to say it, but it's a fact of online dating, a lot of the messages you write (as a guy) will be ignored. It's nothing personal against you, it's simply that women will have a huge amount of messages (a lot of them trash). For that reason, I'd probably recommend Bumble, since women have to make the first move (it's a Tinder style 2-way match, from which the woman has 24 hours to message the man). It means you'll still get ignored, but since you aren't sinking your heart and soul into every message (as you will do to start), you won't feel as much of a toll. The less you take the ignoring personally, the better you'll do

5) Don't pressure yourself

Slightly off topic, but try not to put pressure on your own shoulders. It'll be hard to do, but try to be chill. If you need a break, take a break. If you have a bad stint, step away for a few days. And don't force yourself into something you don't want to do. If someone messages you (it does happen, I swear, my girlfriend is the one who initiated contact with me), and you don't like the look of their profile, you don't have to do anything. If you're feeling vindictive, you can just ignore it outright, otherwise a simple "No, thanks" is good enough.

[Anonymouswizard]

1) Get someone else to take photos of you, preferably someone good.

More candid shots work better than staged stuff, although feel free to have a mix of each. Basically, though, next time you do things, ask a friend to take some photos of you, because good self-photography is really difficult. Include at least one head/shoulder shot, and one full body, and don't go topless/bikini unless it suits the situation (beach etc). Show, don't tell comes in, if you have a cool looking hobby (in my case, archery), get a shot of that as well.

As an addition, get the other people to pick the photos of you as well. If you're anything like me, you'll be so overly picky with pictures that you'll hate them all. Putting it as a Facebook profile pic is a good test for an image.

Been trying to arrange this for hours, unfortunately the only friends I have who would be willing to do it are either busy or in China.

2) Be concise

A lot of people will be reading a lot of profiles. No need to go full tweet size, but try not to exceed more than 200 words. You can leave some things out if they are minor so you can concentrate on the bigger things, consider the smaller lot good fodder for actual dates.

Maybe it's because I get annoyed at short profiles (sure girl, you may be really pretty, but you've given me nothing to even talk about), but I've tried to strike the balance of including a fair amount of wordage, but keeping each section short. I dunno, maybe that strategy will fail, but I assume most people will be going 'nope' just after reading my summary.

3) Read what they write

Of particular note for men, when writing a message to someone, read their profile and ask questions from it. Be as specific as what they wrote, so if they say they read, ask what their favourite books are, while if they say they love a particular book (series), try to ask questions about that (although don't fake it). Your message really needs to stand out if you want a response, leading to...

You mean I shouldn't just open with comments about their boobs?

But about what I was expected. God, it's trying to chat up neurotypicals all over again.

4) Be ready to be ignored

Sorry to say it, but it's a fact of online dating, a lot of the messages you write (as a guy) will be ignored. It's nothing personal against you, it's simply that women will have a huge amount of messages (a lot of them trash). For that reason, I'd probably recommend Bumble, since women have to make the first move (it's a Tinder style 2-way match, from which the woman has 24 hours to message the man). It means you'll still get ignored, but since you aren't sinking your heart and soul into every message (as you will do to start), you won't feel as much of a toll. The less you take the ignoring personally, the better you'll do

Oh, certainly. It's not the being ignored itself that annoys me, it's the being completely ignored. Must be doing something wrong.

I'll look into that app though, if we have it here in the Land of Tea and Apologies.

5) Don't pressure yourself

Slightly off topic, but try not to put pressure on your own shoulders. It'll be hard to do, but try to be chill. If you need a break, take a break. If you have a bad stint, step away for a few days. And don't force yourself into something you don't want to do. If someone messages you (it does happen, I swear, my girlfriend is the one who initiated contact with me), and you don't like the look of their profile, you don't have to do anything. If you're feeling vindictive, you can just ignore it outright, otherwise a simple "No, thanks" is good enough.

A bit easier to say than do

Thanks for the advice though.

[Asmotherion]

A romantic fool. Always searching for love/romance. Addicted. Life without love is a tragedy. Jumping into relationships fast because the rose tinted glasses get in the way. I can't recall not having a crush/partner/urgent need for one in the past 10 years or so; basically since I became interested in that world of wonders.



... not really, even though I have like 5000 hours of the Sims franchise under my belt.

What?

I am dead honest tired with the idea that there's some holes to fill, especially when it comes in the context of relationships and romance. ffs

I'm starting to think there's a million-dollar business idea in "do you like me [ ] yes [ ] no. PS I mean like-like, like, face-smushing like" business cards...

Ever considered we just might all deep down be polyamori, and society has conditioned us to choose just one partner to compremise with, because "monogami sells better" and suits better the needs of many industries?

Just a chaotic neutral thought to consider.

[Tvtyrant]

Ever considered we just might all deep down be polyamori, and society has conditioned us to choose just one partner to compremise with, because "monogami sells better" and suits better the needs of many industries?

Just a chaotic neutral thought to consider.

If you started out with "some/many of us" then you are probably right.

[Anonymouswizard]

Yes, I have. I've also considered that society tends towards monogamy because it's got an evolutionary advantage or because it makes record keeping easier in a poor digital society.

Spoiler: Off topic kinda rant related to taboos

Show

Then again, I'm the kind of person who couldn't care of his friends saw him naked, including my current and previous roleplaying groups. And once literally did so because the shower was there, my clothes were over there, and it's just easier to leave the towel in the bathroom so you don't have to put it back. I'm not the only person I know to think like that either, I mean whatever you see is similar to something possessed by ~50% of the population, what's the point of pretending it didn't exist.

I mean, I kinda get the no nudity around strangers bit and have it myself, it's easy to feel vulnerable. But around people I trust eh, it's not like it's going to harm anybody.

[georgie_leech]

Well, wish me luck. Going to be having an extremely awkward conversation with a friend about how envious of their relationship I am to the point that I feel awful, and that while I understand that they're not interested in me the way I am in them, I can't seem to just lose the attraction. Hoo boy.

[Comrade]

Been trying to arrange this for hours, unfortunately the only friends I have who would be willing to do it are either busy or in China.

Just wait until the next time you're hanging out with friends and ask one of them to snap a picture or two of you over the course of the day. Doesn't have to be something specifically arranged so you can have photos taken-- if anything, it's better if they don't look staged.

Oh, certainly. It's not the being ignored itself that annoys me, it's the being completely ignored. Must be doing something wrong.

Are you being super picky about who you message/swipe right (or is it left?) on? I'm given to understand that with dating apps and online dating, even the most stereotypically attractive man can't really afford to be very picky if they want to get any matches at all. It's just kind of the nature of the medium: you have to get used to sending a lot of messages and having many of them go unanswered. The more you send, the more likely you are to get a response. It's not everybody's cup of tea for that reason.