Results 61 to 90 of 1434
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2017-07-09, 07:47 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Location
- The Icy North
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Ugh, yeah, that's gotta hurt a lot. Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where there are no quick, easy fixes - it's gonna hurt for a while, and mostly you need time.
You've got the right intuition here, though: He is not interested in a romantic relationship with you, and you need to move on eventually. It's okay if it takes a while, it's okay if it hurts. It's okay if you can't handle friendship right now. But he's not coming back, so you're right, you need to move towards rediscovering the happily single person you were.
What did you do back then? With what did you fill your time? What were the friends you leaned on? If you don't naturally feel happily single, you can still act like a person who is, and your emotions will catch up eventually. Fake it 'til you make it, basically. It's standard breakup advice for a reason.
Do you need to cut contact with your ex for a while? It is okay to tell him that you understand the permanence of the breakup and therefore need time to get over it, so you need to stop contact for... three months? I don't know what feels reasonable for you. For me, this period of no contact has been absolutely key to keeping sane and eventually recreating friendship.
You'll be okay. You just need time to heal. Hugs, if you want them.Spoiler
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2017-07-09, 08:04 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2015
- Location
- UK
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
You ask each other, definitely. Because the other person isn't sure either, so whoever loses their patience with the uncertainty first will say something awkward-sounding and the other will then clear it up.
Distance might help. If you spend some time apart and maybe switch to a slower form of communication (like letter-writing), you might be able to evolve the relationship to something more platonic where you can love him as a friend.Lydia Seaspray by Oneris!
A Faerie Affair
Homebrew: Sig
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2017-07-09, 07:12 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
- Location
- An igloo near you
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
What did I do back then? I played D&D (with the wonderful friend who is now my ex) and wrote (usually talking about it with my only writer friend, who is now my ex). What friends did I lean on? Mostly the one who's now my ex. And he's still such a good friend. And I want to be someone he can count on, someone who makes him happy, even just as a person.
Fake it 'til you make it is good advice, though, thanks. And thanks for the hugs.
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2017-07-10, 12:20 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
- Location
- Uusimaa
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
I would strongly advise on not forcing yourself to activities that include him, no matter how much it's something that you used to do. You're clearly hurt and need your space, and that's what comes first at this point. Not saying you should stop being friends with him, no, but I think in this case it's probably good if you distance yourself by a smidge to let yourself think and heal.
Originally Posted by LaZodiac
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2017-07-10, 01:29 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
- Location
- An igloo near you
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Yeah. That sounds best. I mean, no way I'm dropping out of the D&D campaign (that would just make all my friends mad), but I can handle that much contact. I love talking to him and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but you're right that I need time. Our conversations are 80% calculated half-truth these days anyway, at least on my side.
Well I'm going to go play MTG with the "Nerd Herd" (my friend group) now, and he'll be there. I'll see if that's too much interaction but hopefully it isn't. Isn't information gathering fun . . .
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2017-07-10, 02:42 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2014
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Should I end a relationship because I realized I’m demanding too much of the person I’m with and not giving anything back in return?
I’m also not in the position to give anything back in return anytime soon.
Am I being abusive?
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2017-07-10, 08:00 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2016
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
I don't think you should end the relationship for that reason. It seems to me kind of disrespectful to your partner to make the choice for them (ok to do it for yourself of course) to end the relationship - it suggests that you think you know better than them what is best for them.
It also doesn't sound like abuse as I think of the word.
It might be being selfish, and I think you are being misleading if you are allowing them to think something (like that you will change) when you know it to be false. But the solution to that is to be upfront, not to end the relationship.
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2017-07-10, 10:03 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2014
- Gender
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2017-07-10, 10:20 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
- Location
- South of Heaven
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
It's up to the other person to decide if you're demanding too much or not. If you have poor self-esteem or confidence, you're likely to feel like the relationship is just you taking and them giving without much in return, but that's often just the lack of self-esteem talking. If you really want clarity, you need to be honest with your partner and let them know that you feel like the dynamic of the relationship is skewed; most of the time (I'd speculate, at least), they'll tell you it's not the case at all and that they don't feel at all like you don't give them anything to be happy about. After all, if being with you didn't make them happy, they wouldn't be with you, plain and simple. Worst case scenario, if there really is a problem, then being honest will enable you to work with your partner to fix them, which is much better than just ending the relationship without making an effort to improve.
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2017-07-10, 10:24 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2014
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Are you paying for everything? Like all those fancy places you listed? You seem very proud of it and they don't seem cheap. Maybe he's just with you for the money. That's a possibility.
Last edited by Orcus The Vile; 2017-07-10 at 10:26 PM.
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2017-07-11, 01:24 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2015
- Location
- UK
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
My (slightly different) perspective: if that's an honest assessment* of how you see the relationship and you don't think your partner would end it even if they wanted to, that is legitimate grounds to end it yourself.
Some people just suck at getting themselves out of bad relationships and it can be a massive boon for them when the other partner sees what's going on and takes the initiative.
*As opposed to low self-esteem on your part.Lydia Seaspray by Oneris!
A Faerie Affair
Homebrew: Sig
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2017-07-11, 01:36 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Location
- The Icy North
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Yeah, that's not good at all.
Can I just say something about hurting his feelings? That is okay. He just hurt your feelings very much but that doesn't make him a bad person or mean that he doesn't care for you. It means he made a decision that was necessary. It seems he is trying to minimize hurt by being friendly (and by being vague about the breakup, which is the worst hurt-reduction technique in history and has never let to anyone feeling less hurt and confused - but immature and cowardly people still keep using it! (sorry, tangent)). But he hurt your and he had to do it for his own piece of mind.
You get to hurt him a little bit in return. Not vindictively, of course, that would make no sense, but if it would hurt him to not talk to you daily for a few months, alright. That's the cost he'll pay for breaking up with you, and he knows this. If it would hurt him to know that you're actually feeling sad about this, good, that means he's a good friend, that means he'll know to support you in whatever you choose.
If his feelings are hurt because you have to react reasonably to something hurtful he did, that's fine. It's fine to let him share a little bit of the burden he has put on you. Which is not to say he needs to be the person you lean on, because that's a baaaaaad idea, but if your boundaries hurt him, that's okay. You get to think of yourself, too.
Breaking up with someone "for their own good" is never not super condescending.
Not giving as much as you get is not inherently abusive. Just be honest with the person about your circumstances and how much is likely gonna change, and let them make their own decisions. No coercion or condescension, just open communication.
Unless you need to break up because your guilt is eating at you (which is reasonable enough, sometimes we don't want to be the kind of person a certain relationship enables in us), but then recognize that you're doing it for you, not for their sake.Spoiler
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Avatar courtesy of the talented Neoriceisgood. Features Pumpkin from my webcomic.
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2017-07-11, 02:59 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2007
- Location
- France
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
My boyfriend has told me at some point that he felt like he was getting a lot from me and was giving very little. However, I never felt that way. If he broke up with me over that, I would be devastated. Your partner may get things out of the relationship that you don't realise. At any rate, as I've said in another thread, it's their decision here. I feel like breaking up with someone because you think they're not getting enough from it is a bit condescending, like they don't know better and you have to step in and let them know or something.
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2017-07-11, 08:50 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
- Location
- San Francisco Bay area
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Why would you want to end that?
If you're feeling guilty, start cooking some meals for them, even if the results are awful, they'll usually appreciate the effort.
Start watching PBS cooking shows.
PM me for some recipes.
Just making coffee and eggs for when they wake up is usually good enough.
I know from another thread that you don't stay together at your apartment, so bring the supplies to there's.
Long lasting relationships are often about shared memories anyway.
People want to be known, and sometimes that's enough.
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2017-07-11, 05:41 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
- Location
- An igloo near you
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
That's good advice, thank you.
Yeah, as for the hurt-reduction strategy, I agree with you 100%. It doesn't help. It especially doesn't help when someone says "I haven't forgotten about us, let's try again in maybe half a year" and then finds somebody new in the same week. (Is my bitterness showing?)
Anyway. Sticking to neutral conversation ("Hi, how was your day? That's nice.") works well, it lets us at least keep seeming like friends - which is good because, no matter how hurt I feel, I'm still going to try my best not to spread it around. Sure, it's a little cold, but maybe that'll help teach me to stop hoping for another chance. As there is no reason to hope for that.
Moderate distance works. Now I guess I'm just waiting for everything to settle down inside.
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2017-07-11, 05:51 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Location
- The Icy North
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
There's this sentiment going around, that in a good relationship both people feel like they're getting more than they give, and somehow the math works out. It's pretty apt.
Ugh ugh ugh uuuugggh. I mean, I understand the feeling behind it (it's been 2/3 of a year since I broke up with my ex and I'm still holding out hope that we'll somehow magically work out one day). But it's just cruel to involve the other person in your lies to yourself.Spoiler
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Avatar courtesy of the talented Neoriceisgood. Features Pumpkin from my webcomic.
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2017-07-13, 04:42 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2010
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
You're hurt. You have a right to be. You don't need to be friends. You can seem like friends, but you're under no obligation to do anything else.
Especially since his actions were, well, kinda bull****.
But really, it's pretty rare to stay friends with your ex, regardless of what people claim. What's slightly more common is to become friends with them *again* at some point in the future. But you're not there. Don't be there. It's not your job to make him feel better. Outright hostility probably doesn't help either, but polite distance is perfectly cool.
Did he get back together with crush-girl or was it someone totally different?Last edited by kyoryu; 2017-07-13 at 04:42 PM.
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2017-07-13, 08:51 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
- Location
- An igloo near you
- Gender
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2017-07-14, 08:59 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
- Location
- Uusimaa
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Guy that I'm interested in said he wants to get to know me better and wants to meet me next week.
I'm like a stupid teenage girl right nowOriginally Posted by LaZodiac
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2017-07-14, 04:47 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
- Location
- An igloo near you
- Gender
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2017-07-14, 05:36 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
- Location
- South of Heaven
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2017-07-14, 07:48 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
- Location
- San Francisco Bay area
- Gender
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2017-07-16, 06:12 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
- Location
- Uusimaa
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Thanks! Still feelin' that giddy blushing feel, but at the same time I'm relatively cautious. I guess it comes from the denial that I felt quite a while that there's no chance someone would be interested in me. What I mean is that I don't want to go into this with rose tinted glasses. This is because in a sense the man in question shares my religious beliefs, we have the same outlook to an extent in life as well as both of our love towards gaming. You know, like an ideal partner. But I should get away from thinking too deep right now.
Originally Posted by LaZodiac
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2017-07-17, 02:50 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
- Location
- An igloo near you
- Gender
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2017-07-17, 03:18 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
- Location
- South of Heaven
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Ain't nothing wrong with feeling confident about a relationship, but one should avoid getting ensnared in the 'oh my goodness they're perfect for me in every way' mindset. It's at best likely to result in some disappointment-- and anyway, the beauty of a relationship lies as much in all the places the two partners don't align as in the places where they do. I reckon FinnLassie has the right idea.
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2017-07-17, 03:24 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2010
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
I've found that it's better not to pin all of your hopes onto a single person, or to make another analogy don't put all of your eggs into a single basket. Dunno, I feel like I've been too burned and become too jaded to feel that kind of hope in a person again.
This doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy the ride, just, don't have expectations.I've started streaming again.
78% of DM's started their first campaign in a tavern. If you're one of the 22% that didn't, copy and paste this into your signature.
I started my first campaign outside of an abandoned mine, just as soon as a meteor storm from the moon hits.
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2017-07-22, 07:01 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
- Location
- Uusimaa
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Meeting up with the guy went ok. Still reserved about the whole deal - maybe I'm not ready for a relationship right now.
Spoiler: but oh Lord the mess I am inI guess the fact that I have three guys interested in me at the current moment makes me confused altogether. Like... there is a possibility that I don't have to pick the first guy. Not saying that I am gonna start two-timing with these guys, never. But the whole concept of someone actually finding me attractive, especially more than one... it's a new one for me.
I used to think that I alone have to make the active moves and decisions, be quick before the first suitable guy disappears. I hope this makes sense...Originally Posted by LaZodiac
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2017-07-22, 11:03 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
- Location
- Calgary, AB
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
So between the people I've met online going for one date and then vanishing, and actually asking the friends I've asked out who declined, I've come to the conclusion that while I'm not a major creep or otherwise turning people away, but... Well, I apparently give off no sense of chemistry. Like, if I were a character in a dating sim, I'd be a background supporting cast with no stat screen; you wouldn't even think about if I would be fun to date.
So... how do I go about changing that? Vague, broad advice would be helpful, as I have no idea where to start.
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2017-07-22, 11:18 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2015
- Location
- UK
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Have you tried spraying yourself with strongly-scented chemicals before you go out? I've heard that engaging multiple senses at the same time can help you catch people's interest.
...I was going to put that in blue text but, like, maybe it's good advice? I don't know, I'm no expert in this either.Lydia Seaspray by Oneris!
A Faerie Affair
Homebrew: Sig
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2017-07-22, 12:16 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2017
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Ah. Yes. "I'd better nail this down because I won't have a chance again". It's a popular frustration before people hit the point of "anyone I'm into doesn't notice me, and anyone who likes me leaves me feeling cold".
The early stages of a crush are fun. Enjoy them. But the early dating stages are also about getting a sense of how well you two mesh before you commit heavily. So for now, enjoy the feeling and go out and have low-stakes fun with him. If you're compatible, you'll still be compatible a month down the line and you'll be better positioned to DTR. If not, you got to enjoy the process and learn more about yourself. Take some deep breaths, don't stress, and just enjoy the process for what it is.
Spoiler: How about some vague advice about broads?
(Mentally put a blue filter on that whole picture if you like.)
Serious advice? The best way to not stand out is to try and appeal to everybody. That just leads to focus-grouped blahness.
I don't know what you like. But find your shtick and own it.* Even if you wind up turning some people off. You don't get points for a lot of people saying "they're okay, I guess". You want to stick in people's heads, and be particularly likely to click to people who are highly compatible with you. So find things you like doing - particularly active doing type things over passive fanboyish consumption - and go in whole hog.
*(There are a couple of advanced topics here, like how it's okay to tweak yourself a little if you have an explicit type you like and you want to preferentially appeal to them. Or as counter-advice to the last point, how you should be mindful that you don't hyper-specify "your type" to the point that they're not practically - or literally - nonexistent. But for the basics, "find your shtick and go all in" is a good place to start.)