Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solution

[Sholos]

What is it with me? What is it with me and getting involved with girls who don't have time for dating. Every single time I get involved at all with a girl, soon afterwards it's "I don't feel ready," or "I don't have time for dating," or something else. I must have the absolute worst luck. Either that, or I keep getting involved with women who can't simply tell me that they aren't interested in me. Gyah!

EDIT:
You know what's not helpful? Being told by the guy who has always been practically dripping with girls hanging on him that I just need to wait and something will be sure to happen. Or the guy that found an amazing girl (and had basically everything else in his life handed to him on a damn silver platter) about a year after not being in society at all for 5 years tell me practically the same thing when I've been actively looking for about 4 years now. What would be helpful is friends actually interested and working to help me find someone, but I guess that's too much to expect.

[prufock]

Originally Posted by Sholos

What is it with me? What is it with me and getting involved with girls who don't have time for dating. Every single time I get involved at all with a girl, soon afterwards it's "I don't feel ready," or "I don't have time for dating," or something else. I must have the absolute worst luck. Either that, or I keep getting involved with women who can't simply tell me that they aren't interested in me. Gyah!

Well, pal, at least you are getting involved in dating. Could be worse, man. I haven't had a date in a year. So I wouldn't say you have the "absolute worst luck"!

[Sholos]

Originally Posted by prufock

Well, pal, at least you are getting involved in dating. Could be worse, man. I haven't had a date in a year. So I wouldn't say you have the "absolute worst luck"!

I'm curious. Have you been in the dating game before? Are you just experiencing a dry spell or have only just started up? I went for two years after starting to actively look before I got my first date (and that was all I got).

[Socratov]

Originally Posted by Sholos

I'm curious. Have you been in the dating game before? Are you just experiencing a dry spell or have only just started up? I went for two years after starting to actively look before I got my first date (and that was all I got).

At least you have the oppotunity to make time to date, my time seems to be entirely restricted, or I seem to find myself somewhere very close to the middle of nowhere (that's why okCupid, but haven't even chekced that for some time).

(that said, I am on the hunt as it were )

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Sholos

What would be helpful is friends actually interested and working to help me find someone, but I guess that's too much to expect.

If you want someone to play Cupid for you, you're going to need a dating site, or get a girl to set you up with one of her friends.

And without, y'know, getting attracted to the girl setting you up.

[prufock]

Originally Posted by Sholos

I'm curious. Have you been in the dating game before? Are you just experiencing a dry spell or have only just started up? I went for two years after starting to actively look before I got my first date (and that was all I got).

Dude, I'm in my thirties; definitely not "just started"! I date, on average, one woman about every 18 months. It's been only been 12, I should be okay.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Socratov

At least you have the oppotunity to make time to date, my time seems to be entirely restricted, or I seem to find myself somewhere very close to the middle of nowhere (that's why okCupid, but haven't even chekced that for some time).

(that said, I am on the hunt as it were )

Yeah, I've not had the time or energy in quite a while. Starting to look like I might get some back, but now that brings up the question of where to start, haha.

As for last post, for those who might be passingly interested, I talked to my coworker about a coffee place in the neighbourhood adjacent to both of our neighbourhoods, she apparently hadn't heard of it and declined my invitation saying that it didn't seem like her bag and I haven't heard from her since. I'm going to chalk this one up as a minor victory due to at least getting her out of my hair, I suppose, though only time will tell whether she's going to be actively avoiding me at work, since I wasn't doing my usual tasks the last few days.

[Form]

Looks like I'm not going to get that second date after all. I asked her, got consent, tried planning it 2 days later and got told she'd be too busy that week. I then try planning it again over a week later (and I don't hear anything from her in the mean time) at which point I get a very cold reaction followed by some 'the world sucks' kind of rant and getting completely ignored near the end. And nothing since then to explain her behaviour. Correction: without trying to explain why I ought to be a target.

She's very much succeeded in pissing me off. I don't appreciate getting strung along and being treated like crap that way.

I'm still wondering if this is going anywhere and I'm thinking about asking her exactly that. But for now, I'm considering other options as well. Maybe they'll be more worthwhile.

[snoopy13a]

Originally Posted by Form

Looks like I'm not going to get that second date after all. I asked her, got consent, tried planning it 2 days later and got told she'd be too busy that week. I then try planning it again over a week later (and I don't hear anything from her in the mean time) at which point I get a very cold reaction followed by some 'the world sucks' kind of rant and getting completely ignored near the end. And nothing since then to explain her behaviour.

She's very much succeeded in pissing me off. I don't appreciate getting strung along and being treated like crap that way.

I'm still wondering if this is going anywhere and I'm thinking about asking her exactly that. But for now, I'm considering other options as well. Maybe they'll be more worthwhile.

I'm not sure if she's stringing you along. "The world sucks" rant sounds like she might be depressed. It could also be a passive rejection*. Did you ask her for the second date at the end of the first date? If so, she may have agreed with to the second date to avoid conflict.

* Passive rejection is when, in the initial dating period, a person doesn't explicity say she doesn't want to stop dating but rather postpones dates or says that she is busy. The idea is that the other person will get the hint and stop asking them out. People sometimes complain about this as a technique, but it is no really no different than not asking someone for a second date when you didn't like the first date.

[Form]

Originally Posted by snoopy13a

I'm not sure if she's stringing you along. "The world sucks" rant sounds like she might be depressed. It could also be a passive rejection*. Did you ask her for the second date at the end of the first date? If so, she may have agreed with to the second date to avoid conflict.

No, the time I asked her out for the second date was well after the first. And I think you're probably right about her being depressed, but I still don't like being treated that way and still think it's rude. And even so, I'd still expect some sort of apology or explanation later on.

* Passive rejection is when, in the initial dating period, a person doesn't explicity say she doesn't want to stop dating but rather postpones dates or says that she is busy. The idea is that the other person will get the hint and stop asking them out. People sometimes complain about this as a technique, but it is no really no different than not asking someone for a second date when you didn't like the first date.

I think it's very different. I consider it a pretty bad way to handle this sort of thing, at least when a second date has already been agreed upon. What's going on with me and her right now I do consider stringing along.

[Coidzor]

Well, this is going to sound hypocritical and all, but really, do you want to be involved with a person who is depressed and doesn't have it locked down to the extent where they can function with it? Nursing people through depression is for the birds or the rare professional, not suitors and not significant others.

If you're willing to give her a last chance to just talk to you straight-up like a facsimile of an adult, go for it, otherwise just write it off as her being really flaky and procrastinatey about doing you a favor in not letting you get any more attached to her so you can go off and do your own thing.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Well, this is going to sound hypocritical and all, but really, do you want to be involved with a person who is depressed and doesn't have it locked down to the extent where they can function with it? Nursing people through depression is for the birds or the rare professional, not suitors and not significant others.

I realize this wasn't directed at me at all, but ...

Spoiler

The girl I mentioned on the last page and the friend who seemed to be digging their grave are one and the same.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

I realize this wasn't directed at me at all, but ...

Spoiler

The girl I mentioned on the last page and the friend who seemed to be digging their grave are one and the same.

Oh, that clears things up.
Again, best of luck. I hope things get better for her.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Originally Posted by noparlpf

Oh, that clears things up.
Again, best of luck. I hope things get better for her.

Well. I'll explain what happened yesterday because I kind of need to get it off my chest.

Spoiler

So, there's this girl I like, Haley. She drunk texted me with a load of ridiculous typos Saturday night. Which was completely out of character. It seemed like she was drunk. I ended up texting John, her most recent ex, to see what he thought about that. It turns out she texted him as well (which is extremely odd as she's been ignoring him since they broke up) and he said he wasn't sure, but that I should ask take her out to lunch or something sometime. The thing is she's on a "diet" which, as far as I can tell, means not eating lunch most days. John acknowledged this to some degree and said that when Haley and him were dating she had told him she had an eating disorder of sorts.

There's also this girl Mary. She's knew. She has/had a crush on Haley too but now she's being ignored after Haley rejected her (Haley ignores people to make issues go away. Doesn't really work.) and has since hooked up with John. Mary, John, Isaac (a random friend), and Jacob (a friend she dated very briefly in Sophomore year) were all hanging out on Monday evening, when Mary said she had noticed barely noticeable slits on Haley's wrists (which is apparently the first thing she looks for when meeting new people). John said he had noticed those too back when Haley and he were dating, but he had never picked up on it because they were so small and she always seemed to have a reasonable excuse (my dog scratched me, etc., etc.).

The five of us then decided we were going to confront the school psychologist to see what we should do. And we did. We went to him yesterday and he pleaded for us to tell us who our friend was, but we didn't, which he reluctantly excepted. He said if we wouldn't do that, we should talk to Haley's mom. John volunteered since Haley was already ignoring him and he sort of knew her mom. So after school, while Jacob, Haley, Isaac, and myself had play practice, he went to talk to Haley's mom.

Haley's mom took John completely seriously, and told him that we were good friends for coming to her. Haley's mom then texted John after he had left and Haley came home and told him that she had made Haley show her her wrists, and that she was either going to go to the school psychologist of her own free will today, or be dragged to him tomorrow. Either way, the next step is a pro.

Someone tell me we did the right thing. I know it should be obvious, but it isn't.

All names changed. Blargh.

EDIT: And of course, I still like her.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Well. I'll explain what happened yesterday because I kind of need to get it off my chest.

Spoiler

So, there's this girl I like, Haley. She drunk texted me with a load of ridiculous typos Saturday night. Which was completely out of character. It seemed like she was drunk. I ended up texting John, her most recent ex, to see what he thought about that. It turns out she texted him as well (which is extremely odd as she's been ignoring him since they broke up) and he said he wasn't sure, but that I should ask take her out to lunch or something sometime. The thing is she's on a "diet" which, as far as I can tell, means not eating lunch most days. John acknowledged this to some degree and said that when Haley and him were dating she had told him she had an eating disorder of sorts.

There's also this girl Mary. She's knew. She has/had a crush on Haley too but now she's being ignored after Haley rejected her (Haley ignores people to make issues go away. Doesn't really work.) and has since hooked up with John. Mary, John, Isaac (a random friend), and Jacob (a friend she dated very briefly in Sophomore year) were all hanging out on Monday evening, when Mary said she had noticed barely noticeable slits on Haley's wrists (which is apparently the first thing she looks for when meeting new people). John said he had noticed those too back when Haley and he were dating, but he had never picked up on it because they were so small and she always seemed to have a reasonable excuse (my dog scratched me, etc., etc.).

The five of us then decided we were going to confront the school psychologist to see what we should do. And we did. We went to him yesterday and he pleaded for us to tell us who our friend was, but we didn't, which he reluctantly excepted. He said if we wouldn't do that, we should talk to Haley's mom. John volunteered since Haley was already ignoring him and he sort of knew her mom. So after school, while Jacob, Haley, Isaac, and myself had play practice, he went to talk to Haley's mom.

Haley's mom took John completely seriously, and told him that we were good friends for coming to her. Haley's mom then texted John after he had left and Haley came home and told him that she had made Haley show her her wrists, and that she was either going to go to the school psychologist of her own free will today, or be dragged to him tomorrow. Either way, the next step is a pro.

Someone tell me we did the right thing. I know it should be obvious, but it isn't.

All names changed. Blargh.

EDIT: And of course, I still like her.

Spoiler

Looks to me like it was definitely with the best of intentions, and it also seems like it was a necessary move. So if you're beating yourself up, don't.

[Castaras]

AT: You did what you and your friends thought was best, and honestly, it's probably the best thing you could have done if you weren't getting through to her on a friend to friend basis.

[Origomar]

Im not sure if this qualifies as a "relationship" but it's the closest thing ive had to one, and its been bothering me for quite a long time(about 6 months to be more specific).

It's also a pretty long story so bear with me x.x.

theres this girl that ive been friends with for about 8 months(started the last semester of my senior year of HS) and she knew i liked her because i asked her out a little into about a month of knowing her. We were hanging out like 3 times a week even when we didnt see eachother at school. It wasnt just the two of us, we had a ton of friends who we have both known for years, but i just never have really met her before. Actually ended up asking her out ON valentines day, i didn't mean to but it seemed like it was the only chance i had lol, she said she would think about it, and then the next day told me that she couldn't because she liked someone else and that it wouldnt be fair if she said yes. that and she didn't really understand what i wanted, it was the first time ive asked someone out so i was kinda vague.

Then for spring break, which was about a month and a half after i had asked her out, me and a bunch of friends went on a camping trip. It was the last day of the trip and i was feeling kinda upset because i hadnt really gotten to see her at all since the car drive over there. We were all around the camp fire and she mentioned something about how sometimes she got upset about the guy she liked(she had told him, he rejected her over a month ago)because she thought they would work out. For some reason i decided to try and talk to her again(at like 1 in the morning in pitch darkness). i told her that she should give me a chance and even though she didnt like me that way now she might feel that way after we spent more time together. She said that she doesnt want to tell me it will never happen because she doesn't know and she doesn't want to date me because she thinks she would be mean to me if she didn't feel the same way about me and i acted that way around her, and she could only date someone shes been friends with for a while.

afterwards she gave me a hug,and for some reason i did something really stupid. i told her that i thought she was beautiful and every time im around her i want to run my fingers through her hair(and then i did) then she said "no one ever tells me my hair is pretty, its one of the reasons i cut it short" then i told her" ive always thought you were pretty" and she said something like "your one of the few", and then we awkwardly went to bed. She seemed really flattered almost happy, but sorta surprised that i said that.(to be honest, some of these details, and that of the previous story could be very fuzzy, i was so nervous at the time that i was shaking at random intervals.)

so next week at school one of my/her friends had a conversation with her and she told him all of the following.(This wasn't new, one of my friends is really annoying and tries to know everything about everyone and wouldn't but out even if i had told him. After a point i just started asking him.)
"i have no idea how to act with women and any chance of being with her is now gone" and "if i ever try to get her alone like that again she isnt sure what she will do" is what she told him to tell me.

she also said specifically that "What he did wouldve been really adorable and romantic if we were dating , but since we arent its just creepy" and "i never wouldve thought he would do something like that" she also told him, but didnt tell him to tell me. It was all through text, and my friend has a tendency to exaggerate, but that hasn't really kept me from feeling awful about it for a really long time. Only within like the last couple of weeks have i started to forgive myself.


After that we only saw each other about once every other week when we visited friends at college during the summer. There are other details like i would send her a message over facebook or a text about once a week, and when we were together i would more often than not give her a LOT of my attention. Apparently she felt like i was smothering her and trying to guilt trip her into having feelings for me at certain points in time(i dont know when lol).

The only whacky summer thing that happened was one time i got fairly drunk(incidentally the only time ive ever gotten drunk) and was ranting to one of my friends about how much i wanted to talk to her, i meant just like literally i enjoy spending time with her/talking to her. For some reason he took it upon himself to tell her that and she was like "look ive told him already, i dont want anything, ive made up my mind, blah blah blah" is what my friend said she told him. She was a bit drunk aswell(it happens when you weigh 100 pounds and drink vodka).

But basically since summer has ended i havent really seen her at all. In the past month ive seen her once and i couldn't even talk to her. At this point i just want to think about her as little as possible, and try to tone down if not erase my feelings for her. I would be happy if i could be her friend again, and not that this is why im going to do it, but the only way for me to ever get close to her is going to be if i forget about her and she forgets about me for a while. Which sucks cause i really miss her, like i miss all my friends except its kinda worse for her cause i can't even talk to her x.x.


oh i almost forgot to mention this. She has never dated anyone ever and neither have i(partly due to lack of trying on my part though, i guess im picky)
And its not like she isnt pretty or shes mean to people(i know it isnt true, but i think shes the prettiest girl ive ever met, and definitely one of the sweetest.)The idea of dating someone makes her feel very uncomfortable. She doesn't know how to be close to someone like that, and the only person she has "dated" lasted about a week and they didn't even hold hands. She has some major self confidence issues about some things(i think mainly her intelligence) and she will be hard on herself if she feels like shes hurt someone.

So anyway, do you think im taking the best course of action and what are your general thoughts on this ridiculously large and drawn out story.

[Coidzor]

AtlanteanTroll:

Spoiler

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Well. I'll explain what happened yesterday because I kind of need to get it off my chest.

Spoiler

So, there's this girl I like, Haley. She drunk texted me with a load of ridiculous typos Saturday night. Which was completely out of character. It seemed like she was drunk. I ended up texting John, her most recent ex, to see what he thought about that. It turns out she texted him as well (which is extremely odd as she's been ignoring him since they broke up) and he said he wasn't sure, but that I should ask take her out to lunch or something sometime. The thing is she's on a "diet" which, as far as I can tell, means not eating lunch most days. John acknowledged this to some degree and said that when Haley and him were dating she had told him she had an eating disorder of sorts.

Spoiler

Just to be clear, is this some kind of fad diet or just a euphemism for anorexia malarkey? Because if she's also anorexic, that's probably something that should just get put out there while the rest of this dirty laundry is getting aired, then again, it's plausible that such would get revealed in this brouhaha anyway, but...

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Spoiler

There's also this girl Mary. She's knew. She has/had a crush on Haley too but now she's being ignored after Haley rejected her (Haley ignores people to make issues go away. Doesn't really work.) and has since hooked up with John. Mary, John, Isaac (a random friend), and Jacob (a friend she dated very briefly in Sophomore year) were all hanging out on Monday evening, when Mary said she had noticed barely noticeable slits on Haley's wrists (which is apparently the first thing she looks for when meeting new people). John said he had noticed those too back when Haley and he were dating, but he had never picked up on it because they were so small and she always seemed to have a reasonable excuse (my dog scratched me, etc., etc.).

Spoiler

That's messy, and I don't think you really want to get involved with a woman who burns bridges to avoid potential awkwardness that would be over in, like, 5 minutes of conversation.

Definitely warning signs, yeah.

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Spoiler

The five of us then decided we were going to confront the school psychologist to see what we should do. And we did. We went to him yesterday and he pleaded for us to tell us who our friend was, but we didn't, which he reluctantly excepted. He said if we wouldn't do that, we should talk to Haley's mom. John volunteered since Haley was already ignoring him and he sort of knew her mom. So after school, while Jacob, Haley, Isaac, and myself had play practice, he went to talk to Haley's mom.

Spoiler

Just don't rule that option out completely.

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Spoiler

Haley's mom took John completely seriously, and told him that we were good friends for coming to her. Haley's mom then texted John after he had left and Haley came home and told him that she had made Haley show her her wrists, and that she was either going to go to the school psychologist of her own free will today, or be dragged to him tomorrow. Either way, the next step is a pro.

Someone tell me we did the right thing. I know it should be obvious, but it isn't.

Spoiler

Yes, you did about as right a thing as you're able or allowed to do by the situation to my knowledge. My understanding has always been that people do not get better on their own, especially when it comes to addictions.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Noparlpf: Well, think I made myself physically ill today worrying about it. So not exactly beating myself up, but ...
Castaras: We didn't even try talking to her for fear it would make things worse. Just straight to the psych and then to her mom.

Coidzor:

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Spoiler

Spoiler

It's probably bulimia. And it did.

Spoiler

I really don't think that's would've ended up being 5 minutes of conversation ... But yeah. Still like her. Can't help it. She's funny and beautiful and smart and shares a lot of interests. (Those last two have exceptions in her whole set of issues.)

Spoiler

Well, it turns out she went to the school psych of her own free will and now her mom's going to get her a professional. So ... That's a plus. She was willing to admit she has a problem.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Noparlpf: Well, think I made myself physically ill today worrying about it. So not exactly beating myself up, but ...

Understandable, though regrettable. Sometimes after such a stressful thing one needs to destress or it'll have that kind of effect. I'd recommend making a point of having some kind of comfort food and hot chocolate if it's not too hot out or icecream or something.

[prufock]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Someone tell me we did the right thing.

I'm not sure why this is even in question. You did the right thing. 100%.

Originally Posted by Origomar

theres this girl

I think it should be clear at this point that this girl is N.I.: Not Interested. Here's the hard part: she's not going to be.

If you're going to be her friend, that's all you're going to be and you'll have to accept it. If you can't accept that, you shouldn't spend time with her as friends unless she is an irrevocable part of your social group (don't cut out your other friends just to avoid her).

Making any further advances will be creepy. Don't.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Noparlpf: Well, think I made myself physically ill today worrying about it.

Yeah, I do that all the time myself. In my experience, the worst thing if you're not eating because of stress is to let it go overnight, that wrecks your appetite for at least the next week. Possibly a worse idea is to go twenty to thirty hours without food due to stress and then suddenly eat two hot dogs fried in butter. That was delicious though.

[Morph Bark]

Origomar:

Originally Posted by prufock

I think it should be clear at this point that this girl is N.I.: Not Interested. Here's the hard part: she's not going to be.

If you're going to be her friend, that's all you're going to be and you'll have to accept it. If you can't accept that, you shouldn't spend time with her as friends unless she is an irrevocable part of your social group (don't cut out your other friends just to avoid her).

Making any further advances will be creepy. Don't.

Listen to this man.

At about each event you've talked about that you spoke her, she's expressed that she doesn't want to date you or be with you and thinks that you giving her a lot of attention is creepy. It honestly sounds a little bit like an obsession. If you try to follow it through, even if she DOES end up dating you, the fall in the end will simply be all the harder, because she'd only be doing it out of misplaced feelings, not out of love or even friendship or anything of the sort.

You should get that through your head and imprinted solidly first before you think of trying to be her friend, as otherwise everything will just come back and keep on going the way it has so far.

Spoiled for slight irrelevancy.

Spoiler

I had something similar with a girl once, except I sat with her in nearly every class and she was interested in me at some point, but I got rejected later on. My grades nearly went to **** because I kept trying a little and I kept feeling awful. In the end, I took my distance and it made me all the better for it. A few months later we were able to talk like normal people again and be friends, but at that point I wasn't really interested in that anymore.

[dehro]

Originally Posted by snoopy13a

I'm not sure if she's stringing you along. "The world sucks" rant sounds like she might be depressed.

sheesh.. can we not throw around depression diagnoses unless they've been agreed upon by professionals?
maybe she was just pissed at someone or something, maybe someone had almost run over her cat, maybe she was pms-ing.. there are other options than jumping on a "mental/clinical ailment" wagon.

@Origomar: fuggeddabout'er.

[snoopy13a]

Originally Posted by dehro

sheesh.. can we not throw around depression diagnoses unless they've been agreed upon by professionals?
maybe she was just pissed at someone or something, maybe someone had almost run over her cat, maybe she was pms-ing.. there are other options than jumping on a "mental/clinical ailment" wagon.

@Origomar: fuggeddabout'er.

I said she might be depressed. I can jump on any wagon I want to.

[Form]

Originally Posted by dehro

sheesh.. can we not throw around depression diagnoses unless they've been agreed upon by professionals?
maybe she was just pissed at someone or something, maybe someone had almost run over her cat, maybe she was pms-ing.. there are other options than jumping on a "mental/clinical ailment" wagon.

In this one particular case it does make sense, though. She did mention once having (had) problems with depression.

[Origomar]

Originally Posted by prufock

I'm not sure why this is even in question. You did the right thing. 100%.


I think it should be clear at this point that this girl is N.I.: Not Interested. Here's the hard part: she's not going to be.

If you're going to be her friend, that's all you're going to be and you'll have to accept it. If you can't accept that, you shouldn't spend time with her as friends unless she is an irrevocable part of your social group (don't cut out your other friends just to avoid her).

Making any further advances will be creepy. Don't.

i wasnt planning on it. I never said i was, but everyone seems to(including her) think that i am. And what you described is sorta the issue. I cant spend time with the vast majority of my friends if i choose to avoid her.

My problem is i do just want to be her friend and i can't because i feel bad about how i acted before. I still have no idea if shes actually forgiven me, but i can't seem to forgive myself so why should she.(and what kind of friendship would it be if she was always worried i would try to be with her again)

Regardless of how i felt about her as more than a friend she was a pretty important part of my life for a long time, and it hurts that i have to give that up because for once i wanted more than a friendship.

[Coidzor]

I'm being driven to distraction!

First I don't see her the next two days I work and then today she actually called in to quit which left us short-handed enough that one of the owners called her back and harangued her into not quitting or something so that she came in.

Then she seems like she's actively avoiding me like she's scared of me, so I try to smooth things over and see if there was any miscommunication going on, and she denied there being any beef and evaded the question about whether she'd been having issues receiving texts, so I shrugged and went back to my tasks and the next thing I know, she's put ice down the back of my shirt, of all things, and she's all smiles and joking and jocularity.

Maybe that's just part of her way from growing up a tomboy or something? Still strikes me as rather bizarre even given the tomboys I've known.

[snoopy13a]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

I'm being driven to distraction!

First I don't see her the next two days I work and then today she actually called in to quit which left us short-handed enough that one of the owners called her back and harangued her into not quitting or something so that she came in.

Then she seems like she's actively avoiding me like she's scared of me, so I try to smooth things over and see if there was any miscommunication going on, and she denied there being any beef and evaded the question about whether she'd been having issues receiving texts, so I shrugged and went back to my tasks and the next thing I know, she's put ice down the back of my shirt, of all things, and she's all smiles and joking and jocularity.

Maybe that's just part of her way from growing up a tomboy or something? Still strikes me as rather bizarre even given the tomboys I've known.

Wow, she acting like she's in junior high. She might like you, but it seems like she's emotionally a thirteen-year-old. Lots of red flags in your post.

Outside of her behavior towards you, the quitting shows both immaturity--not giving two weeks notice--and a lack of deciveness by giving in the owner's demands to come in.

I wouldn't worry about her. Likely, your bosses are planning to replace her--if she doesn't quit again.

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Maybe that's just part of her way from growing up a tomboy or something? Still strikes me as rather bizarre even given the tomboys I've known.

If all other things remained equal, but she had been a man, what would your thoughts have been on the matter then?

Frankly, I doubt that "she's a tomboy" is an adequate explanation here. It's just plain immature.

Originally Posted by Origomar

i wasnt planning on it. I never said i was, but everyone seems to(including her) think that i am. And what you described is sorta the issue. I cant spend time with the vast majority of my friends if i choose to avoid her.

In that case, continue to hang out with your friends, and at some point simply apologize to her for your earlier behaviour, but leave it at that. No mentions of "what could've been" or "I hoped for [something]" or hugs or such, just apologize, leave it at that, and continue on hanging with your friends. Doing any of those things after apologizing will only nullify your apology and set you back to creepy in her eyes, most likely. Hugging will be acceptable later on if you do it a lot with your other friends as well.

Also, how come you can't spend time with the vast majority of your friends without running into her? Do you always meet up as a large group somewhere?